Thursday, December 23, 2010
I've always loved that movie. I think it's the most perfect movie ever made.
Every single second of every single scene is a perfect still shot.
I've loved it since I was 3. The Wicked Witch of the West always scared the shit out of me.
And my nose always stings when Dorothy says goodbye to the Scarecrow.
I feel just a little ok maybe a lot like I've landed in Oz.
Things are somewhat familiar but also intense and heavy and my emotions have been splashed with a bucket of Technicolor.
But I still feel like me.
Which I guess is a good thing.
Me. Up in a cyclone.
Watching the elements of my day my life tumble past my picture window eyes.
Me. Looking for Peace and a way Home.
Me. Building my Posse along the way.
A Cast of Characters, also searching for their missing parts but who have such good lessons to teach and such good lovin help to give.
Friends. Patients. Co-workers. A Sears Repair Technician that's a story for another day. Bloggers who pour their guts out.
All on their own Yellow Brick Roads. Their crazy life situations tossed in my path as a reminder that we're all in this together.
As a reminder that I am the lucky one.
As a reminder that things could be so much worse.
There but for the grace of god go i.
I have my health. Physical and mental sort of. My kids are pretty ok for now. I have resources.
I am extraordinarily fortunate even in the presence of Oz the Great and Terrible.
I have my Field of Poppies in the form of a baby dose of xanax and a Mike's Hard Lemonade at bedtime.
A bitch needs her sleep, right SB?
So there you go. Trying to find my way back home. There's no hourglass. There isn't even really a Wicked Witch. Just a long path.
But I have good shoes with lots of support and a high arch so I'm ok.
I'll see you on the Road.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
It's been a week of reflection.
I haven't stepped foot in blogland. I've used the time to think and process and understand.
It's been quiet here.
Not a bad quiet. Kind of a hmmm... maybe this is ok quiet.
A calm quiet.
Maybe a good quiet.
I don't know yet.
It's been a week of lots of deep breaths.
And lots of deep thoughts and lots of deep feelings.
It's been a week of honesty.
Love this. I've been afraid of changing cause I've built my life around you
ignore the dumb-funny ad in the beginning
I've linked to it before. It squeezes my heart.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
This was last Sunday's post before the shit hit the fan.
I'm terrible at thank-you notes but I want to thank each and every one of you awesome bloggers for your comments and emails and most of all your love.
You have given me strength and perspective.
You got me through.
I understand about a fingernail's worth of the Hindu religion and culture. It's insanely complicated and convoluted and there are like 47 Sanskrit words that seem to all mean the same thing. Or one word can mean 112 different things.
Ganesh Ganesha Ganapati Vinayaka Omkara Vighnahara
that's just the beginning
he has 108 different names
I love the mythology. I love the symbolism. I love the color and the intensity and the ornamentation. It's malleable. It's multilayered. It sits well with me. From the million gazillion symbols and specifics, I could conjure my perfect Ganesh.
Guardian of the Indian Home
Remover of Obstacles
Lord of Beginnings
Lord of Farming
Lord of Learning
Anyone can invoke Ganesha
He requires no priest as intermediary
He transcends religious, class, and caste
I first knew Ganesha as
the Remover of Obstacles to Happiness
since I don't believe in happiness
my dark and twisty
tweaked it to
the Remover of Obstacles to Understanding
I don't need to be happy
I just need to understand
And I began to understand
all apparent contradictions
in the Universe and in my Brain
can be contained in Ganesha's big belly
Ganesha's trunk curves to the left
forming the shape of the sacred syllable OM
the vibration at the origin of the cosmos
Ganesha appeared with the sound
and danced the Universe into existence
the great sage Vyasa agreed to recite
the epic narrative of India
only if Ganesh agreed to
write it down
the recitation went on for weeks
when all his pens were worn down,
Ganesha broke off his tusk and dipped it in ink
thus saving the story of India
as the Bhagavad Gita
i've tried to read it 3 times but it continues to be ice picks in my eyes
the Lord of Storytellers
the lotus flower symbolizes all of creation
as well as spiritual purity
the bowl of sweets represents the
pleasures of knowledge and spiritual wisdom
In one hand, my Ganesha holds an axe
to break the bonds of ignorance
the axe also severs
the ties that bind us to material things
One hand is raised with the symbol of enlightenment
see! it means a bunch of different things
which comes with liberation from all want and desire
the Serpent coiled around Ganesha's belly
symbolizes Kundalini Shakti
the coiled and latent psychic energy
deep within each of us that seeks union
with the undifferentiated consciousness
of the Universe
we are all one
though Ganesha's many arms are raised to attain the spiritual
one foot always remains well grounded
Monday, December 6, 2010
Last time, there was so much fear. And the fear lead to anger.
And the anger allowed me to plow through. I did not give a damn.
I probably looked like a Heartless Bitch.
unless you know the 12 steps
This time, there is only overwhelming sadness.
I have always chosen my children above all else.
No anger. Only a smidge of fear. it will be ok
This time, there is only enormous loss. And enormous heartbreak.
Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.