getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Saturday, March 26, 2011

awareness and a promise


So if a tree falls in the forest and there is no one present to hear it, does it make a sound?

And are things in the world extraordinarily astoundingly sucky?
Or are we just more aware thanks to Bill Gates and the cable guy.

And if my fat cat pukes and I don't know till I step in it and there's cat vomit between my toes goddammit,
was the puke there before I put my foot in it?

I don't know. Ask the fuckin tree that fell down.

Mia has been in a particularly torturous place of pain for a few months now.
Getting info out of her is like pulling teeth.
But Linda the Good Witch is really good with Mia's teeth. It's remarkable.
And damn, Sisters, those teeth are the huge stubborn deep rooted Nichols teeth we all have.

I/She/We sob when those damn teeth get pulled.
And the space left gives us more room and less ache.
I think.

This week, when Linda is able to coax a little or big bit out of Mia, and something about it just does not sit right with me,
I'm able to get down to the dirty bottom line of it all.

sometimes i wanna be dead

OK.
So.
When my baby girl, who's been having such a hard time
no one understands me I'm invisible no one can see me somethings wrong with me
fesses up that she wants to die
wish i were dead think about hanging suicide
and in the aftermath I'm walking around with my heart in a steel vice unable to take a full breath,
is she in a worse place today than she was yesterday?

When a little girl is so sad she wants to die, and no one hears her, does she still want to die?

And when someone finally hears, and though it devastates a torpedo through my heart those who hear,
does it alleviate any of the little girl's pain and sadness?
At all?

Does my knowledge have any bearing on her pain?

Does my awareness have any bearing on her pain?

Does my pain have any bearing on her pain?

No. It does not.



She promised us she would tell me if when she has those thoughts again.
So I can help her.

That was Thursday night. She fell aleep on the way home. She is safe.
She woke up Friday morning and was ok. No different from recent mornings.
Maybe more quiet. Maybe more calm.
Maybe.


I walked around work all day yesterday with a huge deep wide hole in my chest
o honey if i could take away your pain if i could carry it for you i would.

She says it doesn't matter that we know. She doesn't feel any better.
But she won't hurt herself.
She promised.



20 comments:

  1. Ack, Michelle.
    I know this all too well.
    Big hugs and lots of love to you and Mia and the rest of your family.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  2. Oh, hon, I wish I could take away Mia's pain. I wish I could fill up the big wide hole in your heart. All I can do is send you love and send up prayers. And let you know that I am here.

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  3. oh dear god michelle....i am thinking of you both so much. how painful for you both. she's a lucky little girl to have you with her every step of the day, and i promise you, it will matter. that will be the difference.

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  4. please tell mia that i don't know what it is like to walk in her shoes. no one does.

    i do know what it is like to not want to live. there are so many people who feel exactly this way; even though i know she feels it, she is not alone.

    there is a group called t.w.o.l.a. please check them out.

    i love you both so very much.

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  5. My daughter most like this has grown into the best mother in the world who has planted a garden this spring.
    By the skin of my teeth she is alive and doing this.
    It will be okay. I promise you.
    I love you.

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  6. I can say nothing but that my heart goes out to you. How to be a mother? How to guide these beautiful creatures knowing that their paths are theirs? I don't know. Your love is abundant and Mia knows that.

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  7. I am so sorry, Michelle; the stress of this must be something terrible. Love to you both...

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  8. Michelle - I DO know what it is like to walk in Mia's shoes, all too well. My heart is bleeding for you. You must have her in counseling but don't settle for just any counselor, put on your mom antennae and find the best. I had to place my son in a psychiatric hospital last fall. I fell to pieces in the process but it saved his life and turns out, I didn't really fall to pieces because I was the one who had the strength to save his life.

    Please, I understand. Email me and I will give you my number. I don't like talking on the phone but I will be here for you. Take every word she says and multiply it by ten. It is so hard for her to express what she really feels.

    I'm not here to sugar coat this, I am here for a different reason.

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  9. Would it be wrong to take another tack? To manipulate? Turn on the guilt... and tell her what it would do to you and her brothers and her father if she did such a thing. That she would be killing her whole family.

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  10. Tell Mia that we all love her and that sometimes childhood stinks but then we grow up and find our places and things change. Things get better. We make them better. She too can do this. Big hugs for Mia and you~

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  11. Holy crap! Pardon me for prying, but what does Daddy have to say about what is going on with her? All this seems like a great burden for just the two of you to carry around. What about the rest of the family?

    I know my cyberhug may not mean a thing, but believe me when I say that I am squeezing you both as tight as I can. {{{{{{Big Bear Hug}}}}}

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  12. So scary. I hope/pray that she can find some, enough happiness in life to decide to stay and live a long healthy happy one. I don't know what else to say, other than my heart goes out to you and yours.

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  13. Yeah. I'm with LB. I'm not real plain on which level Daddy is operating these days (and it's none of my business) but there has to be some way to call in the reinforcements AND hang onto your oars.

    Holy shit.

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  14. I'm so sorry, Michelle. This must be so scary for you.

    Love,

    SB

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  15. I feel so inadequate to say anything accept that I am holding your family in my spiritual arms, and I wish I could bring you soup or sweep up that cat vomit or do something to help you through this fog.

    Remember that we see most clearly through shit like this. Not that we want to be in the shit to gain the clarity....but....you know. I know you know.

    Love you!

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  16. I think it does make a difference that you wanted to find out and help and be there for her. It has to. Big hug to you all. x

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  17. Just checking in today and hoping all is well with you and your girl. xoxoxox

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  18. I have no fucking clue what to say.

    But I know she'll be ok. Of course she will.

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  19. I keep rereading your post trying to figure out what to say and my heart is aching for you both. I am hoping that things are better, not worse, or the same since you posted. I'd love to bring you soup, clean up cat puke, hug you, hang out with Mia and try to make her smile, even a little bit. I hope you have people to lean on and that you let yourself lean. I hope you are doing OK, that you are feeling strong and have a plan to see you through the shit. You have had more than your fair share of shit lately. So I really hope things are looking up. Love to you both.

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  20. I haven't been around for so long. Life has me sidetracked from my blogging. But I'm so happy to come around and visit. I'm going through some tough times with my 12 year old daughter. It's never easy, that's for sure. I posted a youtube video of Sarah Kay doing a poem about mother/daughter. I think you'd like it. Hang in there :)

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.