Mia is having such a hard time right now. I think maybe this is the hardest it's ever been for her. She's scared all the time. She says no one understands. She begs me to get her out of the house please mommy please it's not safe. She wants to shrivel up in a corner and die please mommy please
She's shutting down at school.
So three therapists one developmental pediatrician and one psych nurse practitioner later,
I've found an awesome child psychiatrist who is a mix of Mr Rogers and Pete Seeger
I actually think he knows what he's doing.
I actually trust him.
And I don't trust anyone when it comes to kids and mental health cause after 14 years in pediatrics I've realized that
no one knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to brain chemistry.
Especially with kids.
Figuring out the right diagnosis and the right med is like a goddam game of Pin the Tail On the Donkey
Dr Rogers/Seeger is brilliant enough and experienced enough to spend 2 hours with us and come to the conclusion
that he's not at all sure what's going on with Mia. ADHD? PTSD? Anxiety? Depression? All of the above? Between what she's experienced and her genetic make-up who the fuck knows what's what.
i declined to include my suspicion that she's carrying so much shit from past lives that her now-mind doesn't know which end is up
So until therapy shines some light, we can keep her chill with clonazepam.
Which is like a long acting xanax.
That's a hard pill for me to swallow.
Jaysus she's having panic attacks.
She's 8. How much does this suck?
So I give her a pill which seems to just take the edge off.
And I think there's gotta be a better way.
She feels afraid. She feels powerless. She feels weak. She feels like she has no control.
i can't calm down mommy i can't i can't get me out of here please mommy get me out of here please
How do you feel protected in the face of the unpredictable?
How do you feel safe when your foundation has crumbled?
And how do you do it when you're a little girl 5 weeks away from your 9th birthday?
ganesh help me
It doesn't matter what I say to her.
You know there's no rationalizing yourself off the panic ledge.
You can't talk yourself down and neither can anyone else.
I can't talk Mia down. i can't help her
i can't fucking see until I re-hear the words of some power filled women the strength comes from down deep
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"