I've been in a weird place lately. A little fractured. A little lost.
A lot distracted.
A lot of wine. but not a lot of whine.
I got sick of feeling out of whack and told my self I was gonna write goddammit.
I was gonna write to figure out what the fuck is my problem?
To figure out where the fuck did I go?
What the fuck am I doing?
So I started writing this on my Crackberry Thursday during my 4 hour adventure in the Land of Orthopedics getting Jack's broken finger fixed.
Lucky for me I Am Who I Am i only pull strings and drop names in an emergency otherwise it would have taken 8 hours or 2 days.
OrthoLand was immediately followed by 2 hours in Mental Health Land with Mia's awesome therapist who's a goddam Glinda the Good Witch.
Then speeding back home through torrential downpours and high winds in the dark where the fuck are those Ruby Slippers
to catch the last 7 minutes of the kids' Open House.
There was a bit of red wine later in the evening.
See? This is all over the place. Just like me lately. I'm all over the place.
So. A few Christmases ago Sister Adrienne made t-shirts for everyone in our family.
We each received a black tee with our name in white block letters on the chest.
All 16 of us were a bit confused and made typical jokes about in case we get lost or in case we forget our names. The shirts were for our Daddy. To help him remember. He was at the stage where he remembered his children some of the time
but not all his grandchildren most of the time.
We would all descend on the house with our kids and significant others and he'd be completely overwhelmed.
He kinda knew the older grandkids but was confused by all the little ones.
Sometimes he forgot our spouses. Sometimes he forgot us.
Our mom said that he lamented that we didn't visit regardless of the frequency of our get togethers.
She would pull out pictures and point us out.
And our Daddy's frustration at seeing the photos and not remembering the visits would leave him in tears. So Sister Adrienne made us all tshirts so we could take pictures of our nuclear families, groups of grandkids, siblings etc.
Orientation pictures. To reorient him. So he could remember. And not feel lost without us. I don't think we ever got around to taking all the pictures.
Maybe we did and I just don't remember.
It was a really good idea, though.
The anniversary of our Daddy's birth and the anniversary of his death passed this week.
I came across my black t with MICHELLE in white block letters and I've been wearing it.
Like I said, I've felt a little lost and untethered and uncentered lately.
I wore the t shirt to try and remember Who I Am.
But how can I remember something that maybe I didn't forget cause maybe I never knew it in the first place?
Did I ever know it?
I don't remember.
Ok. So it's not that bad. But you know how it is.
Our identity is attached to our roles.
Mother sister partner health care provider yogini blogger artist.
It's all real and important and defining but who am I without the labels?
Am I without the labels?
That's the part I can't remember.
I know blah blah blah we are not what we do.
What we do does not define us.
I know a lot of you all struggle with the same thing.
We all struggle with Who We Are... Who Are We?
So who am I if I'm not all that stuff that's listable in the About Me section of my sidebar?
Oh. Right. There IS no About Me section in my sidebar.
Without the roles am I just a bunch of wants and desires?
Am I a bunch of thoughts and beliefs?
Am I a bunch of degrading connective tissue and shifting hormones and weird body hair?
Am I just a bunch of memories?
For however long they remain intact in my swiss cheese brain?
So who am I when I'm not being my labels?
I'm not questioning my inherent self worth or beating myself up or anything like that.
I'm just trying to figure it out.
That's where I got stuck writing.
You know when you just wanna tell yourself to shut the fuck up?
That's where I was on Thursday jaysus michelle shut the fuck up...
Then yesterday Laura wrote this. And she helped me remember....
It's not about what we do. It's about how we do it.
And by that I don't mean being perfect. Or being the best. Or being enviable.
I remembered Angel Gail saying to me a gazillion years ago
that's what you are michelle. you are love. that's what you bring to this world.
All the labels and all the roles are opportunities to bring love to this fucked up place.
If we can allow ourselves to see past the bullshit, our roles can give us the opportunity to be conduits of love.
A Sears Repair Man once said to me if you want to save the world, it's by one act of kindness at a time.
It's not important how it looks on the outside. It can't be compared or measured.
It can be quiet. It can be private.
It can be touching one person's heart and lifting their sadness or fear or loneliness.
Each moment we bring love, no matter how brief, is gigantic.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"