It's 7:46 and it's my favorite time of day.
The house is quiet and I feel like I am ALONE. In a good way.
The Sanctuary is really pretty, and this is the only time I can enjoy it in peace. And because I am not fully functional until I've had 3 cups of half-caf, I can allow myself to sit here and ignore the litany of thoughts in my head the place is a mess i need to vaccuum hang those pictures shock the pool clean up the cupcake mess finish painting my bedroom put up the shelves buy food dammit because Praise Jesus and Kali I'm on my first cup of half-caf and I'm not going anywhere yet. Except the kitchen for cup #2. And maybe the bathroom.
It's already 85 and so humid my palms are sweating onto the keyboard. Looks like thunderstorms for tonight which is a blessing. It's been so dry here even my butterfly bush is wilting.
I'm struggling with my mothering. The kids hound me that I'm not doing enough.
OK. That's not entirely true. Only Ty hounds me. Because he's a pain in the ass. But of course his complaints and pookie faces translate to imma a bad mom im not doing enough im selfish my priorities are messed up.
Ty's almost 12 now and practically lives at his friend Nick's house. The way I practically lived at my friend Debbie's house and the way Jack's friend Andrew practically lived with us for 2 years. Knowing that Ty rather be THERE than HERE is a hard pill to swallow. And I take it very personally.
He likes it there because Nick's mom makes REAL food for dinner. And she always has junk food around. Ty's also her Favorite and most of the time she doesn't let any other kids into her house. Apparently her standard answer to mom can i have a friend over? is FUCK NO! Unless it's Ty. I think he's slept there 4 of the last 5 nights. They love him over there. Here he claims he's a victim of Middle Child Syndrome which I don't at all believe in but if he feels ignored or marginalized at home I guess I just have to live with that.
I'm buying him an XBox today. An early birthday present.
To show him how much I love him.
I tell myself if I were a single DAD with a full time job, I wouldn't be holding myself to the same standards. My kids would be expecting less from me. I can't really comment on that phenomenon except to say it's just the way it is.
I know moms who spend all their waking hours entertaining their kids. I'm not that mom. I let my boys roam the neighborhood and hang with their friends the way we used to when we were their age. Like Middle Child Syndrome, I don't really believe the world is a more dangerous place now than it was 40 years ago.
But that's just me.
CPS and "lack of supervision" might bite me in the ass, but the whole pack of kids have fun making the rounds to various swimming pools and houses. They get thrown out of one house and they move on to the next, or play basketball at the school, or go on adventures on their bikes.
Exactly what we used to do. But they have cell phones.
I got aggravated the other day because once again, despite all the dammit ty the ONLY reason you have a cell phone is so that i know where you are rants, Ty was out and his cell phone was sitting on the kitchen counter. Jack's response was mom it's ok, you know he's safe.
Which is true. He's safe. Just as we were safe 40 years ago. Without cell phones.
So this is my current struggle. Letting myself off the hook. Allowing myself some gratification without labeling it as selfish. Believing that I'm doing my best. Almost.
P.S. I was raised by wolves without cell phones and was never taught to write a proper thank you note. Ms Moon, Elizabeth, SB, Angela, SJ, Steph, Kate, Movie, Kori, Tela, and Mel, thank you for welcoming back home. I do believe our hearts are connected. You all rock. xoxoxo