"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Sunday, July 15, 2012

only human

I've been away so long I don't recognize Blogger anymore.

Stupid Blogger.

And what the hell is Favicon?

I can't remember shit anymore.


I've been away for a lot of reasons.
Work. House. Kids.




Let's start with the tequila. To keep me honest.
And since I'm being honest, it wasn't just tequila. It was also wine and sake. Beer at 11:30 when I was working in the garden and hungry from not having eaten. It's much easier to chug a Blue Moon than scrounge up food. Or so I told myself.

Margaritas were my cocktail of choice. Tequila didn't give me a headache. I could drink a lot of it and just have a damn good time. Or so I told myself.

I knew I was straddling the line. I could feel the line like that steel bar on a boys bicycle and you know that one little slip will land you on your girl parts and man will that hurt.

I knew I was straddling the line. I would wake up in the morning and think about when I could have a drink. I stopped at the liquor store before I stopped at the grocery store.

For the first time in 20 years I felt self-loathing. My anxiety increased. My depression returned. I increased my prozac knowing full well it wouldn't help. 

I knew I was drinking to keep the grief at bay. So much loss over the past 3 years. Father, husband, mother, lover. Not that I was afraid of the grief. I just thought I didn't have time to indulge it. I had too much to hold together. Too many people depending on me.

OK. Maybe I was a little afraid of the grief. Especially the lost lover grief.

Yes. Maybe. 


I could feel the end coming. I didn't know how big or bad it would be. 
I could feel it rising in me like vomit or an orgasm. 


It came on a Tuesday. Yoga in the morning. We did 2nd chakra work. Yogini Shannon warned us that we hold a lot of shame and grief in our 2nd chakra and we might experience some emotional release later in the day.

Sure Shan. Whatever.

I met Anouk and Jordana for lunch. I was glad they had picked a spot that served alcohol. Fast behind that thought my heart skipped a beat maybe they're planning an intervention. Then came that's silly michelle they wouldn't do an intervention in a restaurant with a bar. sigh of relief.

If that's not crazy alcoholic thinking, I don't know what is.

I sucked down 2 glasses of wine. Then I sucked down most of Anouk's. She didn't want it anyway.

By 6 I had probably had 2 margaritas. Maybe 3. I make them strong. Without ice.

Then came thoughts of the lost lover. The lost lover who eclipsed all others but was known from the beginning to be a dead end. The lost lover who has sunshine streaming out of his head that still blinds me when we pass each other on the street. The lost lover I still wait for.

The sobbing started and I could feel it wasn't going to stop. Mia and Ty were distraught. I had Jack take them into the house and I locked myself in my car. I sent texts to Jordana, Yogini Shannon, and Calgon Jon im in trouble i need help im losing my shit can you come?

And they did. They came because they love me and they are awesome. They dropped what they were doing and came.

And because I am so blessed, and the Universe Is Abundant, I was rescued in the most perfect of ways.  

Because she loves me, Yogini Shannon took me away in her car and drove around for almost 2 hours while I sobbed. She drove and let me cry. She spoke very little we're just gonna drive mama we're gonna roll down the windows and let the wind blow your letting it out you're moving through it you're coming out the other side do what you have to do. 

Because she loves me, Jordana stayed with the kids and ranted. Her ranting allowed the kids to rant. They were all angry with me. Her anger gave the kids permission to express their own anger what the fuck is she doing after all this family has been through how could she do this i'm so angry with her ...i'm not worried about me but mia and ty still need to be taken care of goddammit she needs to hold it together.

And because he loves me, Calgon Jon remained the calm voice of reason, always pragmatic, never judgemental, the devil's advocate all i can say is that alcohol has been a key factor in every horrible awful thing that has ever happened in my life.

I came home soaking wet weighing 3lbs less than when I had left. Seriously. 3lbs of tears and energy. I came home spent and clean.

That was almost 8 weeks ago.

I've missed you all. 


  1. Wow.
    I have been thinking about you so much. I guess because that heartstring connected to you has been twinging and twanging with it all.
    You're brave, girl. You're very, very brave. I hope you know that.
    I hope you know I love you because in some odd I-dreamed-you-before-I-knew-you, I most certainly do.

    Welcome back.

  2. What Mary said. I've thought of you often, imagining sunshine and happy things. Sorry I was wrong. Glad you had your meltdown, though, in a way, so you could move through it. I could so easily cross that line with you. I have the gene, so alcohol is my nemesis. And I got off easy, as far as my family is concerned. I still negotiate with it, it doesn't own me. I'm so grateful you have those wonderful women in your life, who came when you called. If I know anything about alcohol, you can't help someone until they ask you to. It doesn't work the other way around.

    You've been through so much. May this be the passage into something real good. I've missed you terribly.


  3. I've missed you and am so glad you're back. I'd come here and check just to see if I had missed a post, and every time I did I'd send a little prayer, a soft chant, because somehow i knew you were struggling. when we're struggling and grieving, it's hard to write here, and i hoped that wasn't what was going on with you but just in case, i sent a loving thought in flight to you. i am so happy to read this post. that 2 hour cry was catharsis, like swimming up from the bottom of a night pool. you're in the sunlight now. keep sharing, dear michelle. it helps.

  4. I've been thinking a lot about you lately, nothing specific, just wondering what's been going on. I've missed you and your honest words. I'm glad you're back.

  5. My heart leaped when I saw your comment on my blog this morning. Could it be true? I thought -- I've been thinking, thinking about you, wondering where you were and what was going on. And here you are, your same bad-ass, lovely self. I'm so sorry about all this -- sorry for your grief and loss and anxiety. I'm so glad that you are writing, so glad that you are reckoning, so glad. I'll just be here, listening, as always.

  6. Oh, Michelle. I am so happy you're back. The bravery it takes to write this, to come back and lay this bare- wonderful. Welcome back to this cyber home.

  7. So glad to know that you are ok. I had been worried that you were a little under water.

    Here to listen whenever you need to write more.


  8. Damn woman, it's good to hear your voice!

  9. I love you, Michelle. I am struggling with the same thing. Namely, in the guise of wine. You are not alone. Ms. Moon tipped me off that you had posted. Hang in there. You are SO NOT alone.



  10. So glad to see you're writing here again. I'm sorry it's been tough.

  11. your back!! i am so excited to read your words again. i feel your pain and grief and struggle woven throughout this post but it also sounds like little by little you are mending and perhaps blogging again is part of that? I hope you continue to share through this venue as it may not only help in your own healing, but in that of so many others who love reading you and can relate far more than you may realize :) SO MUCH LOVE heading your way from everyone who missed you in bloggyworld!!

    and i have no idea what the Fuck a Favicon is either.

  12. I have soooo missed you! Glad you're back and getting a grip.


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.