only human

I've been away so long I don't recognize Blogger anymore.


Stupid Blogger.


And what the hell is Favicon?

I can't remember shit anymore.

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I've been away for a lot of reasons.

Work. House. Kids.

Tequila.

Life.

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Let's start with the tequila. To keep me honest.

And since I'm being honest, it wasn't just tequila. It was also wine and sake. Beer at 11:30 when I was working in the garden and hungry from not having eaten. It's much easier to chug a Blue Moon than scrounge up food. Or so I told myself.

Margaritas were my cocktail of choice. Tequila didn't give me a headache. I could drink a lot of it and just have a damn good time. Or so I told myself.

I knew I was straddling the line. I could feel the line like that steel bar on a boys bicycle and you know that one little slip will land you on your girl parts and man will that hurt.

I knew I was straddling the line. I would wake up in the morning and think about when I could have a drink. I stopped at the liquor store before I stopped at the grocery store.

For the first time in 20 years I felt self-loathing. My anxiety increased. My depression returned. I increased my prozac knowing full well it wouldn't help. 

I knew I was drinking to keep the grief at bay. So much loss over the past 3 years. Father, husband, mother, lover. Not that I was afraid of the grief. I just thought I didn't have time to indulge it. I had too much to hold together. Too many people depending on me.

OK. Maybe I was a little afraid of the grief. Especially the lost lover grief.

Yes. Maybe. 

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I could feel the end coming. I didn't know how big or bad it would be. 

I could feel it rising in me like vomit or an orgasm. 

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It came on a Tuesday. Yoga in the morning. We did 2nd chakra work. Yogini Shannon warned us that we hold a lot of shame and grief in our 2nd chakra and we might experience some emotional release later in the day.

Sure Shan. Whatever.

I met Anouk and Jordana for lunch. I was glad they had picked a spot that served alcohol. Fast behind that thought my heart skipped a beat maybe they're planning an intervention. Then came that's silly michelle they wouldn't do an intervention in a restaurant with a bar. sigh of relief.

If that's not crazy alcoholic thinking, I don't know what is.

I sucked down 2 glasses of wine. Then I sucked down most of Anouk's. She didn't want it anyway.

By 6 I had probably had 2 margaritas. Maybe 3. I make them strong. Without ice.

Then came thoughts of the lost lover. The lost lover who eclipsed all others but was known from the beginning to be a dead end. The lost lover who has sunshine streaming out of his head that still blinds me when we pass each other on the street. The lost lover I still wait for.

The sobbing started and I could feel it wasn't going to stop. Mia and Ty were distraught. I had Jack take them into the house and I locked myself in my car. I sent texts to Jordana, Yogini Shannon, and Calgon Jon im in trouble i need help im losing my shit can you come?

And they did. They came because they love me and they are awesome. They dropped what they were doing and came.

And because I am so blessed, and the Universe Is Abundant, I was rescued in the most perfect of ways.  

Because she loves me, Yogini Shannon took me away in her car and drove around for almost 2 hours while I sobbed. She drove and let me cry. She spoke very little we're just gonna drive mama we're gonna roll down the windows and let the wind blow your letting it out you're moving through it you're coming out the other side do what you have to do. 

Because she loves me, Jordana stayed with the kids and ranted. Her ranting allowed the kids to rant. They were all angry with me. Her anger gave the kids permission to express their own anger what the fuck is she doing after all this family has been through how could she do this i'm so angry with her ...i'm not worried about me but mia and ty still need to be taken care of goddammit she needs to hold it together.

And because he loves me, Calgon Jon remained the calm voice of reason, always pragmatic, never judgemental, the devil's advocate all i can say is that alcohol has been a key factor in every horrible awful thing that has ever happened in my life.

I came home soaking wet weighing 3lbs less than when I had left. Seriously. 3lbs of tears and energy. I came home spent and clean.

That was almost 8 weeks ago.

I've missed you all.