"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Almost my best


It's 7:46 and it's my favorite time of day.


The house is quiet and I feel like I am ALONE. In a good way.


The Sanctuary is really pretty, and this is the only time I can enjoy it in peace. And because I am not fully functional until I've had 3 cups of half-caf, I can allow myself to sit here and ignore the litany of thoughts in my head the place is a mess i need to vaccuum hang those pictures shock the pool clean up the cupcake mess finish painting my bedroom put up the shelves buy food dammit because Praise Jesus and Kali I'm on my first cup of half-caf and I'm not going anywhere yet. Except the kitchen for cup #2. And maybe the bathroom.


****


It's already 85 and so humid my palms are sweating onto the keyboard. Looks like thunderstorms for tonight which is a blessing. It's been so dry here even my butterfly bush is wilting.


****

I'm struggling with my mothering. The kids hound me that I'm not doing enough. 

OK. That's not entirely true. Only Ty hounds me. Because he's a pain in the ass. But of course his complaints and pookie faces translate to imma a bad mom im not doing enough im selfish my priorities are messed up.

Ty's almost 12 now and practically lives at his friend Nick's house. The way I practically lived at my friend Debbie's house and the way Jack's friend Andrew practically lived with us for 2 years. Knowing that Ty rather be THERE than HERE is a hard pill to swallow. And I take it very personally.

He likes it there because Nick's mom makes REAL food for dinner. And she always has junk food around. Ty's also her Favorite and most of the time she doesn't let any other kids into her house. Apparently her standard answer to mom can i have a friend over? is FUCK NO! Unless it's Ty. I think he's slept there 4 of the last 5 nights. They love him over there. Here he claims he's a victim of Middle Child Syndrome which I don't at all believe in but if he feels ignored or marginalized at home I guess I just have to live with that.

I'm buying him an XBox today. An early birthday present. 

To show him how much I love him.

Shoot me

****

I tell myself if I were a single DAD with a full time job, I wouldn't be holding myself to the same standards. My kids would be expecting less from me. I can't really comment on that phenomenon except to say it's just the way it is.

I know moms who spend all their waking hours entertaining their kids. I'm not that mom. I let my boys roam the neighborhood and hang with their friends the way we used to when we were their age. Like Middle Child Syndrome, I don't really believe the world is a more dangerous place now than it was 40 years ago. 

But that's just me. 

CPS and "lack of supervision" might bite me in the ass, but the whole pack of kids have fun making the rounds to various swimming pools and houses. They get thrown out of one house and they move on to the next, or play basketball at the school, or go on adventures on their bikes.

Exactly what we used to do. But they have cell phones.

I got aggravated the other day because once again, despite all the dammit ty the ONLY reason you have a cell phone is so that i know where you are rants, Ty was out and his cell phone was sitting on the kitchen counter. Jack's response was mom it's ok, you know he's safe.

Which is true. He's safe. Just as we were safe 40 years ago. Without cell phones.

****

So this is my current struggle. Letting myself off the hook. Allowing myself some gratification without labeling it as selfish. Believing that I'm doing my best. Almost.


P.S. I was raised by wolves without cell phones and was never taught to write a proper thank you note. Ms Moon, Elizabeth, SB, Angela, SJ, Steph, Kate, Movie, Kori, Tela, and Mel, thank you for welcoming back home. I do believe our hearts are connected. You all rock. xoxoxo



13 comments:

  1. I saw a woman yesterday at the library who was one of my daughter's best friends in high school. She is a mama now, one girl about five, one about two, and I asked her how she liked it. Being a mama. She said she did.
    I said, "It's hard, isn't it? It's really, really hard."
    She got this look on her face and I could tell she was just about to lose it. She said, "I can't even think about how hard it is sometimes. I just can't even do that."
    Yeah.
    We do our best and it's never what we think is enough.
    All of us.
    You too, Mama.
    Also? I completely agree with you about safety now versus then. When I was a kid we roamed with the rattlesnakes. Quite literally. But the real snake in the apple was the one in my own house. Which is where I was NOT safe.
    It's okay to let them roam. I swear it is.

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  2. That's where you note to yourself that you're thankful, right? I mean, that's what I've always done. I'm pretty sure it travels on the wind to the person you're grateful to.

    I don't remember who said it, but I read somewhere that motherhood isn't the hardest job out there. At the time I thought, "Ya, like rocket science or maybe finding the Boson Higgs particle." But now that my son is four-going-on-possible-evil I think those scientists have it easy.

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  3. *slaps forehead* Higgs Boson. Not that it matters except to my delicate ego.

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  4. I'm not that mom either. I crave my alone time and try not to feel guilty. I know my kid is safe (mostly).

    You're doing fine.

    I'm making some kick-ass cold filtered iced coffee that will be here all week. Drive on up and we can sip some at 6 a.m. sometime.

    xoxo

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  5. I'm so glad you're back!!

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  6. Someone once told me that no parent can provide everything their kid needs, and that i should breathe easy because whatever i could not provide, someone would step up to provide it. all mothers guilt themselves too too much. i never cooked dinner. my kids came home and scavenged for food if their dad had not cooked. they've both become such good cooks as a result. they feel very capable and full of art in the kitchen. my *lack* as a mother gave them that. ditto the laundry. overall, i'm a terrible example when it comes to house chores, except i clean like a demon. guess what? their rooms are always messy.

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  7. I've been struggling with my mothering for a long time now too. The menopause made me somebody I didn't plan on being, not who I wanted to be remembered as being. I was so screwed up in my head about not being suicidal depressed mom like my own that I forgot how equally shitty it must be to have cranky pissed off old mom instead. On my kindest days, I tell myself I did the best I could, and I try not to cringe thinking about how things got away from me. Or I tell myself I'm awesome because nobody died, wrecked or broke anything, got arrested, and for the most part we have a relationship that isn't ideal, but at least it's real. I always wanted one of those with my own. Heck, I guess I'm just trying to say that this is a damn hard job, and harder still for those who are so hard on themselves. Teenagers have a way of telling us things we don't want to hear about ourselves and cutting us to the quick. My boy told me I was the unhappiest person I knew. And that he never wanted to have kids because every parent he knows is miserable because they have kids. I told him he was wrong, but I'm not sure I'll be getting over that anytime soon. I have spent a lot of time agitated that things are not going well, or like I planned, that we're not working as a team, that I feel taken advantage of and ignored most days, but I guess that's the program raising teenagers. It's a damn thankless job. And you're doing it solo, working, and you are doing your best with the hardest job in the world. They are safe, they are loved. Why do we have to set the bar so high?

    I hope that xBox worked. I got a few months of grace out of it here.

    Hang in there Mama, I have to believe that in time, this shit gets better.
    xo

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  8. Um I meant that he knew, but you probably knew what my typo meant...

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  9. I can almost see you, drinking your half-caff (uh, you are nuts, I need THE WHOLE CAFF)and reveling in the silence. My kid(s) have always roamed, too, and I don't feel bad about it; it is good for them, and they get to experience freedom that EVERY kid should get to have. We ran free when we were kids too, and like Ms. Moon, it was a lot safer than being home. So-pick something else to kick your own ass about. Or, you know, DON'T!:)

    And oh-that see kori rant on your blogroll isn't my blog.

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    Replies
    1. As usual I'd echo Ms Moon. And say that I go through these cycles with my kids like every six months. Wondering what kind of momma I am, in their eyes- never REALLY knowing how you are doing. I relate to all of it. xo

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  10. Your just human. Let yourself off the hook, it's uncomfortable up there.

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  11. I don't know how I missed this post, but I did. So, thanks for the thanks -- any time. And as far as how you're raising your kids -- I'm right there with you. I let my boys and their friends roam the hood and we live in LA. It's all fine, I guess, until it's not and the "not" is never under our control, anyway.

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.