so apropos of my last post i went to yoga this morning with my favorite teacher at the studio i now attend
during savasana she played music that was like the best sounds ever ever ever in the whole world.
i just got lost in it and boy did it take me all sorts of awesome places
crickets chirping... or maybe peepers.... which is the best sound in the world when one is still stuck in this ny polar winter that wont fucking quit.
The sounds brought me to my Sisters, all of whom have forsaken fucking ny polar winters for warmer climes.
2 are currently hearing crickets or maybe peepers at night, the other hears ocean waves.
also one of the best sounds ever, but crashing waves came at the very end
in between baby frogs and slapping salt water...
harmonicas... good night john boy good night mary ellen loved me some waltons big time... my first concert ever-billy joel's piano man-harmonica there... and of course more recently the awesome jimmy fallon neil young old man duet...
piano music that reminded me of the first twilight movie... don't judge!!! there's a time and place for everything almost and there are times when nothing hits the spot like twilight
the music seemed to go on forever. parts would dissolve and then solo. it would peak and swell again and it just made me happy it wasnt over yet
kinda like yummy yummy sex
so.. East Forest's Walk the Walk
my new favorite. he also has a Talk the Talk
(maybe one day i'll write in full sentences with appropriate punctuation again.
right now this is all i got)
I'm having one of those Sundays like I had ALL THE TIME when I was a kid.
Feeling sad, feeling bad, dreary, dark. Foreboding.
Likely this feeling is due to it being the LAST DAY OF MY VACATION
It's been a really long time since I've had the Sunday Saddies (i think maybe that's a ms moon term).
Like years. And years.
Even The Wolf Man had a hard time making me smile today.
OK. Not that hard. But that's because IT'S SO DAMN EASY for me to smile when I look at him.
Still. I realized I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Which totally sucks because I've loved my job for so many years.
I'm the same. My patients are the same. The JOB is different.
Thank you fuck you healthcare. And I'm not talking about the Affordable Care Act.
I'm talking about the Business of Medicine.
Electronic medical records suck ass.
All that crap about improving patient care and decreasing errors and facilitating communication between primary caregivers, specialists and hospitals is just a load of horseshit.
Seriously. It's frightening.
AND insurance companies have found loopholes in the ACA so as of Jan 1 some aren't paying for the most basic medications.
Medications that some kids have been stable on for years all of a sudden aren't available.
I'M TALKING ABOUT KIDS GODDAMMIT!!!
Sometimes I find myself ranting at work and I feel like I'm in The Emperor's New Clothes.
Really people??? You are all smart and well educated and you chose PEDIATRICS.
Don't tell me you don't see what's going on. Don't tell me this crap is OK with you.
I wish there were still country doctors.
I would love to make house calls and check on people and hand write a prescription for amoxicillin
or even ritalin if that's what a kid needs.
Oh. Right. You can't do that anymore. It's against the law.
I'd get arrested just like that 87 year old doc down south.
I think I have to make a change. I've tried to change my thinking and change my view and change my expectations. I've tried to accept the change and see the benefits. But there's not a single one.
OK. There's ONE. I can sent a prescription electronically so moms and dads can leave my office with their sick kid and go straight to the pharmacy rather than driving around in circles. Other than that the whole thing stinks.
My Daddy, who was a physician well loved by his patients, saw the writing on the wall 25 years ago.
When I told him I was going back to school for medicine his response was
"have you thought about law?"
So I will put on my poker face and act as if and talk the talk to get through my work days until my next break. And I will keep going to yoga and knitting and watching Scandal and the Walking Dead and Sons of Anarchy to decompress from the frustrations of my day.
I'll look forward to spring and warm weather and my garden.
And maybe I'll figure out how to come to terms with this change. Because as I'm writing I'm realizing the problem is that it's not just a job. It's not just a career. It's what I DO. It defines me. It defines me as much as Woman and Mother. It's what I AM. And I can't let that be fucked with.
Unfortunately I'm not in Cozumel or Key West or Madagascar or Tunisia.
I'm here in the Hudson Valley watching 13 million feet of snow melt.
OK. Not 13 million feet. Maybe more like 13 million inches.
Whatever. It's a lot. And it's melting. Finally.
It may have been the most brutal winter in my lifetime. But I think it's over.
At least the brutality has been in the form of relentless subzero temperatures, lots of cancelled school, and almost daily winter weather advisories.
Much more preferable than the emotional brutality of winters past.
Temporary housing in our tiny relocation nest has afforded me a sliver of the winter heating bill to which I've become accustomed.
We have stayed toasty warm in our little cottage by the bridge.
The Universe is Abundant
I'm back on my yoga mat. For various reasons I had strayed, but now I'm on it and damn if it doesn't make a difference.
My head is more clear and calm, my back is more straight, and practicing in the hot humid room is plumping up my skin.
So take THAT perimenopause and waning estrogen.
Sometimes, lately, when I'm in a despite everything life is good I feel good way, doubt creeps in and I find myself remembering times past when I thought everything was good and I thought I felt good but in retrospect I wasn't feeling good at all.
Doubt is a goddam motherfucker.
Doubt makes me question if things are really as good as they seem. Which I know is kind of silly.
But looking back on chunks of my life and recognizing that I wasn't all that good makes me sad.
And the thought of looking back on this time of my life and realizing it wasn't as good as I think it is makes me even sadder.
Does that make sense?
So I pull myself out of the doubt vortex and stay present on my mat.
I look at my children's faces and see strong resilient bright funny kids who have light in their eyes.
I look at My Wolf Man with his jasper eyes and snaggleteeth and I love him and he loves me.
I look at my amazing inspiring patients for whom it is such a privilege to care.
These people keep me present, keep me good, keep me from succumbing to Doubt.
So maybe there's no need to worry about how I will feel in the future when I look back on the past. I'll just breathe and look and stay present.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"