Do you know how many posts I've started today?
Three. Maybe four.
And they've all sucked. I've been trying to write just for the sake of writing.
It's not working so well for me. Maybe because I'm not a writer, I'm a storyteller.
So Let's Tell A Story.
Once Upon A Time there was a Woman-Girl named Michelle.
Towards the end of the first half century in her current body, when she found herself more Woman than Girl, she swore that she wanted to be ALONE.
Even when her Best Woman-Girlfriends said you want someone who is fully available to you you want someone to sit on the couch and watch movies and eat popcorn with your kids you deserve BETTER, she said
I. Do. Not.
Not that the Woman-Girl Michelle believed she didn't DESERVE better, she just didn't believe she wanted...
Why would she want some Man hanging out with her kids? That just sounded really complicated and tiring. Why would she want someone around all the time? Michelle was used to flying solo. Michelle did not want to share. Michelle did not want to compromise. Michelle did not want to consider or even think about someone else. Michelle did not want her life to be any more stressful than it already was.
Michelle just wanted to do her thing her own way and maybe have a little... umm... distraction... once or twice a week.
Hence her search on Match.com for The Male Equivalent to a Calgon Bath.
Well. After her Close Encounter With The Schizophrenic who was very nice and very smart but also very complicated, she almost gave up. And just when she was very easily resigning herself to her Solo Life, she got a wink. From a very smart, very funny, very talented, and super sweet Man.
His name was Calgon Jon. He took her on The Sweetest First Date Ever.
Very quickly, Calgon Jon was around way more than once or twice a week. He was kind of around all the time. He made yummy omelettes and told stories about growing up in Alaska. He was quiet and easy to be around. He let Mia read to him and was a super computer geek AND a musician and taught Ty all kinds of cool computer things. He knew about current events and could toss an f*bomb to rival Jack. And he was goofy and quirky and made Michelle laugh. And they all got junked out on Glee together.
It was so easy.
Calgon Jon said Michelle was beautiful even when her mustache was heavier than his.
Calgon Jon smoked a pipe and smelled really good.
Calgon Jon had a Magic Tongue.
WHAT??? there has to be a Magic something in a story. Right???
Until the weekend when his Job took him away. His Job had been a perk as far as Michelle was concerned. Sometimes he had to wake up at 5am. Sometimes he worked weird hours on weekends. Sometimes he had a random day off that coincided with Michelle's day off and that was just a goddamn treat. Michelle was very comfortable with the unpredictable hours. It made her feel safe. Because, you know, Michelle didn't want to get too used to someone being around all the time.
That's not how Michelle functions. Michelle is not good at depending on people.
So Calgon Jon was AWAY. And regular life happened on a regular Saturday and a regular Sunday and the Woman-Girl Michelle realized it was easier when Calgon Jon was around. Sure it was nice for someone else to make breakfast or entertain the kids. But Calgon Jon had some Magic Mojo along with his Magic Tongue. Calgon Jon's Magic Mojo made The Sanctuary a more peaceful place to be.
And life on this weekend without Calgon Jon was making Michelle the Woman-Girl sad and angry and lonely. She told the kids it was her goddamn ovaries. And that was not a lie. But it was also over-scheduling and unfolded laundry and being an "ex" and...
By Sunday Michelle was On the Verge of Tears.
Angry tears. Sad tears. Tired tears.
Progesterone tears god i hate progesterone tears
And then, Calgon Jon came home.
And all the Life Shit was still there, but now Michelle the Woman-Girl could breathe and smile. Because Calgon Jon was Home.
Fuck you Match.