Unfortunately I'm not in Cozumel or Key West or Madagascar or Tunisia.
I'm here in the Hudson Valley watching 13 million feet of snow melt.
OK. Not 13 million feet. Maybe more like 13 million inches.
Whatever. It's a lot. And it's melting. Finally.
It may have been the most brutal winter in my lifetime. But I think it's over.
At least the brutality has been in the form of relentless subzero temperatures, lots of cancelled school, and almost daily winter weather advisories.
Much more preferable than the emotional brutality of winters past.
Temporary housing in our tiny relocation nest has afforded me a sliver of the winter heating bill to which I've become accustomed.
We have stayed toasty warm in our little cottage by the bridge.
The Universe is Abundant
I'm back on my yoga mat. For various reasons I had strayed, but now I'm on it and damn if it doesn't make a difference.
My head is more clear and calm, my back is more straight, and practicing in the hot humid room is plumping up my skin.
So take THAT perimenopause and waning estrogen.
Sometimes, lately, when I'm in a despite everything life is good I feel good way, doubt creeps in and I find myself remembering times past when I thought everything was good and I thought I felt good but in retrospect I wasn't feeling good at all.
Doubt is a goddam motherfucker.
Doubt makes me question if things are really as good as they seem. Which I know is kind of silly.
But looking back on chunks of my life and recognizing that I wasn't all that good makes me sad.
And the thought of looking back on this time of my life and realizing it wasn't as good as I think it is makes me even sadder.
Does that make sense?
So I pull myself out of the doubt vortex and stay present on my mat.
I look at my children's faces and see strong resilient bright funny kids who have light in their eyes.
I look at My Wolf Man with his jasper eyes and snaggleteeth and I love him and he loves me.
I look at my amazing inspiring patients for whom it is such a privilege to care.
These people keep me present, keep me good, keep me from succumbing to Doubt.
So maybe there's no need to worry about how I will feel in the future when I look back on the past. I'll just breathe and look and stay present.