"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there
Sunday, June 22, 2014
be careful what you wish for
I always said I wanted to have the house where all the kids could hang out. I wanted to be TheCool Mom When the kids and I moved into this house I thought this is awesome its just a few blocks from the middle and high schools, it has big rooms with high ceilings and a pool! everyone can hang out here. its gonna be gwate. everyone will be so happy I even knocked out a wall to make it easier for lots of kids to hang out and be sociable. What the hell was I thinking??? Being The Cool Mom comes with a price. 367$ at BJs for economy sized cases of DIY frozen foods. Lots of peanut butter and many more loaves of bread. Stepping over 19 backpacks and 127 pairs of shoes and moving the 16 hoodies that are perpetually draped over the dining room chairs. Hearing basketballs pound pound pound in the big open room downstairs. It means ALWAYS coming home to way more than 3 kids. And once or twice a week waking up to at least 9 and most mornings more than my 3. And school's not yet out... The first 2 summers there was an eternal trail of wet towels from the pool to the sunroom, through the kitchen and into the dining room. The trail turned into a heap in the computer room. The chairseats around the computer were perpetually damp. And because it was so important for me The Cool Mom, I didn't nag. I didn't yell. I spent those summers shaking out wet towels and hanging them in the sun to dry. I wiped gallons of water up off the hardwood floors. I sniffed the damp upholstery to check for mildew. Besides, I've seen moms who nag and yell. It doesn't really help. And I don't have the energy anyway. Last summer I couldn't get the pool clear. At best it was a lovely cloudy shade of aqua but most of the time it was a green ranging from sparkling emerald to swampthang. But... there were no towels on the floor no wet footprints through my house and no mildewy chairs cushions. Which is why the pool is now a koi pond. Last fall I threw 10 baby koi that were half price at petco into the perpetual green muckiness. I figured if they're alive in the spring I'll take it as a sign. And yes they did survive our polar arctic winter and are growing like gangbusters. I think they must thrive on algae. A few weeks ago I threw in some water hyacinth and water lilies and I'm hoping the neighbors don't complain that I might cause a chikunguya outbreak here in the Hudson Valley. Honestly I'm relieved all these kids that didn't come out of my body, and those that did, can find another place to swim this summer. But...if I ignore the crap left all over the house, the open peanut bottle jars, the din of adolescent boys watching basketball at midnight and the fact that in this big house the ONLY place I find a little solitude is in my bed, I can appreciate what I have. I have WAY more than the 3 kids who actually came out of my body calling me Mom. It's very sweet. My therapist said "do you know WHY there are always kids there?' I said "because I'm not a bitch like the other moms?" She said "because you have a happy house" I have a happy house. I wished for that too.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"