another day in paradise

its an extraordinarily beautiful day here in the hudson valley. 80 and dry and sunny. it feels more like may or september rather than a new york summer in the middle of july. 
i dont know if thats good or bad but i will say it again. 
its a beautiful day

im scattered though. id love to take advantage of the weather and just work out in my yard. 
i look at it and see Wild Beauty. 
the boys say mom it just looks like its not taken care of. 
mia says mom no one would believe that you spend like... ALL of your time there

The Wolf Man reluctantly agrees that the garden appears to be uncared for
And then he tells me he loves me

i remember reading Michael Pollan's Second Nature, where he describes how he unsuccessfully waged war against a woodchuck inhabiting his connecticut farmland. he did not win. I dont plant vegetables because i have a woodchuck and that would just be aggravating. and im a little like the crazy chick in The Secret Life of Bees who coaxes the ants out of the house with a trail of sugar water rather than kill them. it takes me at least 3 years to determines what's a weed and whats not. god forbid i should pull a weed that might grow into a pretty plant. Last week i bought 7 very close to dead perennials at home depot for next to nothing and i get to coax them back to life. 

i love that

i have a friend from whom ive learned so much about gardening. but she will pull up and throw out any plant that shows a lack of fortitude perfection or beauty. last year she gave me the potted gardenia from her porch. The poor thing appeared to be past her prime though she had blossomed beautifully for weeks and weeks. This friend has absolutely no patience, nor the interest, to nurture any plant that is not eye candy. So she gave it to me. It was pretty sad when I got it last fall, and even more morose as the winter continued. 

I left it in the Big Round Window because the idea of chucking it just hurt. 

tho believe me i would chuck the dogs in a heartbeat if it werent for the kids. 
as a matter of fact i might chuck the kids too

anywhoo

spring hit and i noticed some new growth. 

this is the lovely geranium today

my friend said "i knew you could bring her back to life"

the only thing ill deliberately kill is a mosquito. i hate those fuckers. 
and the japanese beetles that skeletonize my grapes and roses. 

i'll also swat anything that makes too much noise and disturbs my sleep. including humans

but today, in my scattered-ness, i found myself walking back and forth in the garden, in and out of the house, trying to be productive and not at all succeeding. 
and for the umpteenth time this garden season this is what i see

its the gutter that runs along the roof of the sunroom thats below my bedroom window

and because the only thing i spend time taking care of is my garden which, by report, looks like it's not being taken care of at all, i decide today is the day to address the weeds growing the entire length of the gutter

yes. its time to climb out onto that roof and yank those weeds.

this task, at this moment, is more appealing than vacuuming dog hair or folding clothes or thinking about the orthodontist or what im gonna make for dinner. 

a dinner that the kids inevitably wont eat


earlier this spring i thought about making this rooftop into my own private patio. im sure i thought about it last year too. there is a beautiful view of the mountain and the only access is through my bedroom window. 

somehow in this big house i feel like i have no space of my own. 

First World Problems my boys would say

regardless, ive imagined a beautiful embroidered sun umbrella and a super comfy lounge chair and outdoor rug and potted palms and elephant ears. i see myself sitting out there and reading or writing or lounging or sleeping. i was never the girl who snuck out of the house at night but the idea of this rooftop escape feels a little... escape-ish

whatever

so i climb out my window which is about a foot too far to the left to comfortably step onto the roof. my legs get wobbly and i cant help but think it would be so easy to fall and break my neck or my hip or something. 

i make it out there in one piece and its just lovely.
im up high and can see clouds and sky and oak and black walnut trees and mount beacon. 

im not sure why my face is in a bubble 

but that's because after a year

i still cant work my phone

im out there and i almost cant see neighbors which is kinda how i like it

i think about how lovely it would be to sit out there during the day and pretend im in marakesh. or when it gets cooler at night to be out there snuggled in a cozy sweater watching the stars

so...back to todays reality, which is pulling the weeds that are growing in the gutter. 
its the first step to claiming my private rooftop paradise

i crawl up to the edge and this is what i see

seriously?!?! volunteer tomatoes?!?! 
the whole gutter is growing mini tomatoes
wtf???
ok. granted theyre a little stunted and mildewy but still...
im not even sure that ive ever planted tomatoes on this property. 
because of the damn woodchuck

so of course the miniature volunteer tomatoes are still growing in the gutter because...really...how could i pull them?

They can share my rooftop paradise this month and next month they will be pickles. because thats how i roll

the universe conspires

on a saturday at the end of november 
one thing led to another and in just a few hours time suddenly i was free. 

free of feeling bound to someone who was Not Available. 
free of thinking/hoping maybe someday. 
I was cut loose and I was

free

and being cut loose didn't even hurt. I had heaped the hurt on myself for 3 years by 

Not 

Letting

Go 

I couldn't do the severing myself and neither could he. 
I'm very sure She was the one who cut the tie.

thank god for that

so I was free.

Long before i was free i resigned myself to the idea that no man could compare to this Unavailable Man. no one else would make me feel so gorgeous. no one else would seemingly put everything on the line to be with me. no one else would dream of me the way he had. 
and i could never desire anyone the way i desired him.

I thought sure it's possible but exactly where am i going to meet a man to rival the unavailable one? i dont go out. i dont like parties. i dont have friends. im old. i wont date anyone i meet through my job cuz that would just be weird. and im done with match

So I accepted the idea that I would likely never feel that kind of passion again. 
And that made me very very sad.

***

i was working in the yard on a sunday at the end of november and mia came out 
mommy can i go to autumns house frankie called me she's at autumns house and they want me to come over

who's autumn?

she's a girl at school shes friends with frankie frankie is there and they want me to come over

is it ok with autumns mom?

she lives with her dad her dad's there its ok with him

and because i will jump at any and all opportunities to unload my kids i said sure

mia got the address and i mapped it. just a few minutes away across the creek.

i pulled up to the house and mia jumped out of the car. It occurred to me that i might look like a Bad Mom if i just dropped my 11 year old daughter at some kid's house with some kid's dad and didn't introduce myself.

i was kinda raised by wolves

he came around the side of the house to say hello. the sun was behind me shining into his eyes. 
jasper eyes sparkling and changing color like the mala beads that hang around my neck. 
he smiled his shy sparkly smile with his wolverine snaggle teeth. 
i got a glimpse of big hands and tattooed arms.

he sparkled at me.

yikes

hi im michelle mias mom

hi im paul

SHAKE HIS HAND

he wiped his hand on his jeans and said im kinda dirty. 

he sparkled at me some more

ruh roh

im kinda dirty too

TAKE HIS HAND

TAKE HIS HAND

i didnt take his hand

but i knew if i had it would have been magic. 

and when i finally took his hand it was

it is

magic

summer storm

It's so green out. Not the green of high summer but the green of thunderstorms. I don't know if this happens elsewhere (I assume it must) but here in NY there is a certain kind of GREEN that comes with summer heat and thunder. I remember it from my childhood. Late day summer thunderstorms.

The air is green. It looks like The Emerald City

Today around lunchtime it was so astoundingly hot and humid it was easy to sweat just standing still. The Weather Channel said there were big storms coming our way. I had left my car windows cracked because it's such a drag to leave the air conditioned office at 5 and climb into a 3 door oven. When the thunder rumbled in the distance the ladies said michelle you better go roll your windows up it's gonna rain.

so I did

and it rained

I'm pretty sure that in my 50 years I have NEVER heard thunder so loud. It was loud enough to hear through my stethoscope over heartbeats and breathing and sirius radio and overhead paging and other babies crying and freaking out because the thunder was so darn loud.

It was crazy. And at 3 it was darker than 9. And the rain came down and flooded the streets. That storm stopped right over us and didn't move for hours. By the time I left the office the rain had slowed but lightening still zigzagged through the sky.


Now it's dark. It was still green before the sun set. The thunder rumbles in the distance and I don't know if it's raining or the water is just shaking out of the trees. It's cooler though. And quiet here in my house.

Tomorrow it's gonna storm some more

it's all i got today

my house smells like a barn

or a petting zoo

or something equally foul

boo

be careful what you wish for

I always said I wanted to have the house where all the kids could hang out.

I wanted to be The Cool Mom

When the kids and I moved into this house I thought this is awesome its just a few blocks from the middle and high schools, it has big rooms with high ceilings and a pool! everyone can hang out here. its gonna be gwate. everyone will be so happy

I even knocked out a wall to make it easier for lots of kids to hang out and be sociable.

What the hell was I thinking???

Being The Cool Mom comes with a price. 

367$ at BJs for economy sized cases of DIY frozen foods. 
Lots of peanut butter and many more loaves of bread. 
Stepping  over 19 backpacks and 127 pairs of shoes and moving the 16 hoodies that are perpetually draped over the dining room chairs. 
Hearing basketballs pound pound pound in the big open room downstairs.

It means ALWAYS coming home to way more than 3 kids. And once or twice a week waking up to at least 9 and most mornings more than my 3.

And school's not yet out...

The first 2 summers there was an eternal trail of wet towels from the pool to the sunroom, through the kitchen and into the dining room. The trail turned into a heap in the computer room. The chairseats around the computer were perpetually damp.

And because it was so important for me The Cool Mom, I didn't nag. I didn't yell. I spent those summers shaking out wet towels and hanging them in the sun to dry. I wiped gallons of water up off the hardwood floors. I sniffed the damp upholstery to check for mildew.

Besides, I've seen moms who nag and yell. It doesn't really help. 
And I don't have the energy anyway.

Last summer I couldn't get the pool clear. At best it was a lovely cloudy shade of aqua but most of the time it was a green ranging from sparkling emerald to swampthang.

But... there were no towels on the floor no wet footprints through my house and no mildewy chairs cushions.

Which is why the pool is now a koi pond. Last fall I threw 10 baby koi that were half price at petco into the perpetual green muckiness. I figured if they're alive in the spring I'll take it as a sign. And yes they did survive our polar arctic winter and are growing like gangbusters. I think they must thrive on algae. A few weeks ago I threw in some water hyacinth and water lilies and I'm hoping the neighbors don't complain that I might cause a chikunguya outbreak here in the Hudson Valley. 

Honestly I'm relieved all these kids that didn't come out of my body, and those that did, can find another place to swim this summer.

But...if I ignore the crap left all over the house, the open peanut bottle jars, the din of adolescent boys watching basketball at midnight and the fact that in this big house the ONLY place I find a little solitude is in my bed, I can appreciate what I have.

I have WAY more than the 3 kids who actually came out of my body calling me Mom. 
It's very sweet. 

My therapist said "do you know WHY there are always kids there?'
I said "because I'm not a bitch like the other moms?"

She said "because you have a happy house"

I have a happy house. I wished for that too.

Abundance

It's a little after 6 and it's quiet except for the rain. 
I'm sitting in bed with a cup of coffee.

The Universe is Abundant

At 4 I woke up and I heard the rain and remembered I'd left the car windows down. I'd closed the sunroof because these days I'm dipping a tad below my optimism baseline. So I think ridiculous things like I'll close the sunroof in case it rains but I'll leave the windows down. It's more typical of me to look out the sunroof at the hazy summer sky and think lalalalala it's not going to rain cuz that would be a bummer lalalala. The inside of the car gets drenched at least twice a sunroof season.

I have to dry out the car before I drive the kids to school but at least I closed the sunroof. 
The rain is giving me a sinus headache but I have sudafed and advil.

The Universe is Abundant

My anxiety is receding. I'm remembering to breathe deep. I chant in my head to drown out those negative thoughts when they start cycling. Om Namah on the inhale Shivaya on the exhale. I remind myself that the ferocious dog at my heels is really only in my head. thank you jim carrey

The Universe is Abundant

I have fresh coffee though no cream. But I do have milk. And because The Man I Love only buys lowfat milk, I've become accustomed to drinking my morning coffee lowfat. So I am content with whole milk in my coffee this morning. I'll get cream later.

I have a car I can drive to get cream for my coffee and a secure job and Thursdays off.

The Universe is Abundant

The Man I Love has taught me many things. I have learned that not all people who watch Fox 5 are assholes. I have learned that stupid sitcoms can still be funny and laughter is good medicine. I have learned that I can let myself melt into someone's arms and trust his love and accept his help. And given the circumstance of our meeting, I have learned that the Universe does conspire to give us what we want and though Love At First Sight might be rare, it is real. 

The Universe is Abundant

stick a fork in me...

there's a weird thing that happens as we women get older. when our bodies start to move out of the baby making stage we venture forth and venture inward. we want to get rid of stuff. we want to spend time alone. we want to create. 

WE DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE 

there. i said it. im so done with taking care of other people. maybe i should clarify. im done taking care of people who came out of my body. because they torture me. nothing i do is ever good enough. theyre always wanting more. and more. and more.

taking care of the folks moms kids who didnt come out of my body is enjoyable. and satisfying. why??? BECAUSE THEY APPRECIATE IT GODDAMMIT. and i feel like im doing a good job. i feel appreciated at work.

not so much at home...

last september i changed my work schedule. i had been doing 12hr days m-w-f and i liked that schedule but i thought it was time that i unload the babysitter and end 16 yrs and over 100k in child care. i thought i should be home more in the evening because now theyre big kids and might want to talk and process and i wanted to be more available to them

yikes

i had already heard "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child" and knew that to be true. when they were little they were happy. even through The Storm tho they were probably not happy, at least i could comfort them. i could say the right thing and call them sweetpea and snuggle with them and they would be ok. i could kiss the boo-boo and make it better.

now im hearing "little kids little problems big kids big problems". tell me about it. complicated emotions complicated friendships complicated math. nothing i do is right. nothing i do is good enough. and i know it's a developmental stage akin to the terrible two's but holy shit having THREE of them going through it at the same time is...devastating

that sound extreme but that's the word that comes to mind. i guess the devastating part is more about me than them. the boys kick ass in school. theyre funny and have awesome friends. mia cares about grades because she doesnt want to dissapoint but she's not people pleasing to the point of actually giving enough of a shit to do well. but man is she creative. and she's...dare i say... normal. no more panic attacks, no more overwhelming fear and sadness. she entered the middle school and came into her own. 

so given the general state of their beings, i really have nothing to complain about. but they sure have a lot to complain about me. and thats the part thats devastating. i think the pituitary gland and gonads must release a yet unidentified hormone that triggers eye rolling sighing huffing puffing i want i need more eye rolling and general impatience once puberty is in full swing. and like women living together who very quickly start cycling together, in a house with 3 teenagers its just a whole mess of positive feedback. it doesnt matter that im the cool mom and all the friends want to be here. it doesnt matter that deep down they KNOW that im the cool mom and everyone has fun here. they still have to torture me. they cant help what their hormones are driving them to do anymore than i can help that my hormones are screaming SELL THE FARM AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!  

i know this is normal. ive been hearing it every day from every mom for 17 years. i just didnt realize how much it really sucks. granted there may be other influences effecting my ability to enjoy them but right now it feels like im a pretty shitty parent because my children never seem to be satisfied.

this summer is gonna be hell

faith and fear

it's been a long, long time and my words and thoughts are rusty

something extraordinary happened yesterday....

i've been struggling. fearful. anxious.

dare i say depressed

it's a horrible feeling

the fear has slowly steadily seeped through all my hours. 
no amount of work sleep pills beer could douse it

i've been ignoring faith, misbelieving love. 
i've forgotten that ganesh has my back so the obstacles have been overwhelming

i've forgotten the universe is abundant

sister halona said faith and fear... do you love him? 

...i love him something awful...

jim carrey said faith and fear... we are the light that shines through 

i know...jim carrey... it sounds ridiculous but if you have 26 min go here

you know that feeling when you wake up and for a split second all is good? then your brain starts and dammit if you're not down the rabbit hole before you even realize you have to pee. it's a horrible feeling.

yesterday i was done. on my way to work i felt desperate. and somehow i remembered maybe all i had to do was ask. throw it out there and be open for the results. so i did. i opened my mind and my heart as i made the right onto vassar road and asked the universe for peace. for relief. i even dared to ask for happiness. i asked without reservation or doubt or expectation. i asked with faith and in that moment the belief that the universe would come through

5 minutes later my request was forgotten because i was late for work and thinking about dinner and debt and having to do everything by myself which by the way is not true i have as much help as i'm willing to ask for

i struggled through my morning. frustrated, aggravated, impatient. i realized i'd forgotten my wallet at home and worried that i'd be cross eyed and hungry and cranky by the end of the day and end up going home and drinking beer to fill me up and shut me down

on my lunch break i remembered i had a container of trail mix in my desk. nuts cranberries chocolate chips quieted my stomach and tasted good. i started feeling better

my afternoon was crazy and intense. every patient was loaded and complicated but it was ok. in the periphery i noticed i wasn't so cranky or impatient. i thought it must be the chocolate chips. 

at one point in the afternoon, i entered a room expecting the worst. lo and behold, this particular young lady smiled at me and said i'm good it's better i think its working. and her mother smiled at me and nodded. she's better i'm so relieved. i havent seen them smile in over a year. and damn did my heart explode and i was smiling too oh my gosh i LOVE that i'm SO happy you're feeling better you just made my day

we are the light that shines through

by the time i left the office, though it was almost 6 and i was going home to hungry demanding high maintenance final exam final projects regents AP test taking teenagers, i felt calm. not only did i feel calm, i felt good. better than i've felt in weeks.

i thought this is crazy. how could i feel so shitty for so long and then all of a sudden feel so much better? i cursed my ovaries. that left one is a fickle bitch. seismic hormonal shift was the only explanation for the mega-change in my mood

until i made the left off of vassar road. and remembered what i had asked the universe for at the same intersection that morning.

peace. relief. freedom from fear. and god forbid even happiness. 

today i stumbled upon this. i read the foreword and now it's on my kindle

faith and fear

we are the light that shines through

The Universe Is Abundant