If You Give Your Kid a Meat Muffin...

OK. Not really a Meat Muffin. Beef Stroganoff.

If your kid asks for Beef Stroganoff, even if it's in the middle of a New York heat wave, of course you'll say "Yes".

And then you'll have to buy meat. From BJ's. Because the Amish farmer is not delivering this week.

And then it will be so damn hot that you just can't imagine browning big chunks of industrial meat over a hot stove, let alone ladling up steaming bowls of stroganoff.

Even if the stroganoff is to be eaten with buttered egg noodles. Because everyone knows nothing beats buttered egg noodles.

So you'll put the 3lb package of industrial meat chunks in the refrigerator for a week.

And a week later it will still be too hot to cook.

So then you'll put the big package of meat in the freezer.

And wait for cooler weather.

Then after a few weeks cooler weather will come. And you'll be in the mood to cook.

And not only is the weather cooler, but the forecast is for rain all week.

And finally you can imagine standing over the stove and browning meat chunks.

And eating Beef Stroganoff.

So you take the giant package of frozen meat chunks out of the freezer and put it on top of the coffee maker. To thaw. Because the counter is covered with other stuff and the refrigerator is full.

And during the day, your 9yr old daughter will look at the giant meat chunks thawing atop the coffee maker and say "mommy... we're gonna get salmonella"

And you say, "that's silly, honey, we're not gonna get salmonella"

Then in the evening, after the meat has been thawed for hours, you get around to browning it. Cuz you were doing other stuff all day.

And you mix it with red wine and Lipton Onion Soup Mix and some water and throw it in the crock pot so the babysitter doesn't have to think about cooking the next day.

And it cooks on low all night and in the morning there is yummy oniony tender beef in the crock pot. And you add the sour cream and leave the egg noodles out. And that night the kids say "mommy the Beef Stroganoff was SO GOOD. Even the vegetarian babysitter ate it"

And two days later you'll notice a dried puddle of dark red stuff on the black granite counter, and you'll say "what the fuck?"

And you'll wipe it up with a washcloth and then sniff it. Because that's what moms do.

And you'll realize it's dried meat juice.

Then two days after that, you'll smell something like super rotten potatoes in your kitchen.

And you'll take out the garbage and check the refrigerator and clean out the sink drain and check the dishwasher and still not be able to locate the source of the stench.

Then two days after that, you'll be hosting the annual family reunion for your in-laws because that's what you do every summer.

And your in-laws will be so nice that they will stand in the kitchen chatting and

not mention the smell that reminds you of a Chinatown fish market in August.

But the One Who Made Them Your Inlaws will move around your kitchen preparing food, and because you are such good friends and can say anything to each other he will say "Michelle, what is that smell?"

And after the in-laws have left, and you've made dinner for the kids and had a margarita you'll decide to set a fresh pot of coffee for the morning.

And when you take the water holder thingy out of the coffee maker, you'll find that it's sitting in an inch and a half of 6 day old slimy red meat juice.

Then you will submerge the entire do not submerge coffee maker in the sink and scrub the whole thing with Cucumber Method Dish Soap. And you will curse.

Then your 9 year old smart ass daughter will walk into the kitchen, clap her hand over her nose and mouth, and say "see mommy, I told you... salmonella"

And your 14 year old who is 2 rooms away will mutter "what smells like ass?"

And you'll spend the next 20 minutes cleaning and sniffing and cleaning and sniffing every crack and crevice of your coffee maker until it no longer smells like a Chinatown fish market in August.

And you'll set your coffee for the morning.

And then you'll tuck your 11 yr old in, because he still likes to be tucked in by his mommy, and he'll say "mom, when can you make Beef Stroganoff again?"