"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Sunday, August 21, 2011

If You Give Your Kid a Meat Muffin...

OK. Not really a Meat Muffin. Beef Stroganoff.

If your kid asks for Beef Stroganoff, even if it's in the middle of a New York heat wave, of course you'll say "Yes".

And then you'll have to buy meat. From BJ's. Because the Amish farmer is not delivering this week.

And then it will be so damn hot that you just can't imagine browning big chunks of industrial meat over a hot stove, let alone ladling up steaming bowls of stroganoff.

Even if the stroganoff is to be eaten with buttered egg noodles. Because everyone knows nothing beats buttered egg noodles.

So you'll put the 3lb package of industrial meat chunks in the refrigerator for a week.

And a week later it will still be too hot to cook.

So then you'll put the big package of meat in the freezer.

And wait for cooler weather.

Then after a few weeks cooler weather will come. And you'll be in the mood to cook.
And not only is the weather cooler, but the forecast is for rain all week.

And finally you can imagine standing over the stove and browning meat chunks.
And eating Beef Stroganoff.

So you take the giant package of frozen meat chunks out of the freezer and put it on top of the coffee maker. To thaw. Because the counter is covered with other stuff and the refrigerator is full.

And during the day, your 9yr old daughter will look at the giant meat chunks thawing atop the coffee maker and say "mommy... we're gonna get salmonella"

And you say, "that's silly, honey, we're not gonna get salmonella"

Then in the evening, after the meat has been thawed for hours, you get around to browning it. Cuz you were doing other stuff all day.

And you mix it with red wine and Lipton Onion Soup Mix and some water and throw it in the crock pot so the babysitter doesn't have to think about cooking the next day.

And it cooks on low all night and in the morning there is yummy oniony tender beef in the crock pot. And you add the sour cream and leave the egg noodles out. And that night the kids say "mommy the Beef Stroganoff was SO GOOD. Even the vegetarian babysitter ate it"

And two days later you'll notice a dried puddle of dark red stuff on the black granite counter, and you'll say "what the fuck?"

And you'll wipe it up with a washcloth and then sniff it. Because that's what moms do.

And you'll realize it's dried meat juice.

Then two days after that, you'll smell something like super rotten potatoes in your kitchen.

And you'll take out the garbage and check the refrigerator and clean out the sink drain and check the dishwasher and still not be able to locate the source of the stench.

Then two days after that, you'll be hosting the annual family reunion for your in-laws because that's what you do every summer.

And your in-laws will be so nice that they will stand in the kitchen chatting and
not mention the smell that reminds you of a Chinatown fish market in August.

But the One Who Made Them Your Inlaws will move around your kitchen preparing food, and because you are such good friends and can say anything to each other he will say "Michelle, what is that smell?"

And after the in-laws have left, and you've made dinner for the kids and had a margarita you'll decide to set a fresh pot of coffee for the morning.

And when you take the water holder thingy out of the coffee maker, you'll find that it's sitting in an inch and a half of 6 day old slimy red meat juice.

Then you will submerge the entire do not submerge coffee maker in the sink and scrub the whole thing with Cucumber Method Dish Soap. And you will curse.

Then your 9 year old smart ass daughter will walk into the kitchen, clap her hand over her nose and mouth, and say "see mommy, I told you... salmonella"

And your 14 year old who is 2 rooms away will mutter "what smells like ass?"

And you'll spend the next 20 minutes cleaning and sniffing and cleaning and sniffing every crack and crevice of your coffee maker until it no longer smells like a Chinatown fish market in August.

And you'll set your coffee for the morning.

And then you'll tuck your 11 yr old in, because he still likes to be tucked in by his mommy, and he'll say "mom, when can you make Beef Stroganoff again?"


  1. mmmm...chinatown fish market in august. you up for dim sum?!!!

  2. Hysterical.

    Good to see you in my google reader!


  3. When I read that you put the meat to thaw on the coffee maker, I knew how this was going to end.
    Oh, baby.
    MY ex used to say, "Salmonella don't play for the Braves," which I still think is hysterical.

    Well, we've all been there. We've all done that.

    I love you to pieces! Did you know that?

  4. Bwaahahah. This is such a funny story. Because it didn't happen to me, but very well could have. Love it.

  5. Awesome. I'm with Steph(anie)

  6. We served meatballs in a beer-jelly-chili sauce over the weekend at a baby shower. The mother-to-be really appreciated the alcohol. So much so that she started yelling out for everyone to come get their meat shots. It isn't really like your story but the crockpot sat right next to the coffee pot. So that's something.

    When Steph says she doesn't cook, what exactly does not cooking entail?

  7. That's awesome -- the perfect, perfect blog story. And I love how you describe your family -- all awesome.

    It's good to see you back --

  8. Not cooking means eating fast food until your husband get so sick of it that he starts cooking and then bitching at him for making such a mess in the kitchen.

    It's not a perfect system.

  9. I'm sure the Stroganoff was well worth the blood in the coffee pot.

    I love you, Michelle.

  10. Great story!!! I hate when something stinks in the kitchen and I investigate for a day and still can't find the culprit. We had beef-less stroganoff this week using Trader Joe's beef-less strips...yummy!

  11. Excellent! And just think that if you'd made the coffee without washing it first, you could have had a day off and lose some weight! x

  12. I laughed so hard my neighbor banged on the wall. Asshole.


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