the universe conspires

on a saturday at the end of november 
one thing led to another and in just a few hours time suddenly i was free. 

free of feeling bound to someone who was Not Available. 
free of thinking/hoping maybe someday. 
I was cut loose and I was

free

and being cut loose didn't even hurt. I had heaped the hurt on myself for 3 years by 

Not 

Letting

Go 

I couldn't do the severing myself and neither could he. 
I'm very sure She was the one who cut the tie.

thank god for that

so I was free.

Long before i was free i resigned myself to the idea that no man could compare to this Unavailable Man. no one else would make me feel so gorgeous. no one else would seemingly put everything on the line to be with me. no one else would dream of me the way he had. 
and i could never desire anyone the way i desired him.

I thought sure it's possible but exactly where am i going to meet a man to rival the unavailable one? i dont go out. i dont like parties. i dont have friends. im old. i wont date anyone i meet through my job cuz that would just be weird. and im done with match

So I accepted the idea that I would likely never feel that kind of passion again. 
And that made me very very sad.

***

i was working in the yard on a sunday at the end of november and mia came out 
mommy can i go to autumns house frankie called me she's at autumns house and they want me to come over

who's autumn?

she's a girl at school shes friends with frankie frankie is there and they want me to come over

is it ok with autumns mom?

she lives with her dad her dad's there its ok with him

and because i will jump at any and all opportunities to unload my kids i said sure

mia got the address and i mapped it. just a few minutes away across the creek.

i pulled up to the house and mia jumped out of the car. It occurred to me that i might look like a Bad Mom if i just dropped my 11 year old daughter at some kid's house with some kid's dad and didn't introduce myself.

i was kinda raised by wolves

he came around the side of the house to say hello. the sun was behind me shining into his eyes. 
jasper eyes sparkling and changing color like the mala beads that hang around my neck. 
he smiled his shy sparkly smile with his wolverine snaggle teeth. 
i got a glimpse of big hands and tattooed arms.

he sparkled at me.

yikes

hi im michelle mias mom

hi im paul

SHAKE HIS HAND

he wiped his hand on his jeans and said im kinda dirty. 

he sparkled at me some more

ruh roh

im kinda dirty too

TAKE HIS HAND

TAKE HIS HAND

i didnt take his hand

but i knew if i had it would have been magic. 

and when i finally took his hand it was

it is

magic