"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I Love My Kids: Part 2

My birthday was a few weeks ago. 
I'm not a fan of birthday celebrations cause I'm a buzz kill.

OK, that's not entirely accurate. 
I like other people's birthdays. 
I don't need like to have my birthday acknowledged in any significant way, and I don't need more stuff. 
I don't like that much direct attention. 
When I was 6 and my 1st grade class sang Happy Birthday to me I cried from embarrassment.
I guess the fact that I had to plan my Sweet Sixteen entirely on my own because those were my mom's Obsessed with The Church and Holy Spirit Years kinda sealed the deal on not expecting too much from anyone on my birthday.

Until the Bruce Years. When the kids were younger, they would TORTURE me in the days approaching my birthday. But that's mostly because their dad would get them all excited and plan shit and it would be a secret and a big surprise.

It was exhausting. Almost as bad as Mother's Day. 
I am an ungrateful bitch.

This year my birthday fell during my New and Improved Boobs recuperation time off. I had been home for a week and there had been no mention of my advancing age, or excited questions about what I wanted to do on the big day

That morning I woke up in a quandary. 
Do I tell them? 
Do I not tell them? 
What if I tell them and they forgot and then they feel badly? 
What if I don't tell them and at some point like Thanksgiving or Christmas they realize my birthday had come and gone? Would they feel awful?

I decided it was best to tell them. So I did. 
There was so much preamble I scared the hell out of them.

Ummm... you guys???....ummm... I have to tell you something.... I don't want you to feel bad... it's ok... I just thought I should tell you... cause dad might text you...I just don't want you to be upset...

The color drained out of their faces.

it's my birthday today

Their faces light up with big smiles happy birthday mommy! Mia gives me a hug and Jack smiles some more. Ty was still asleep. Later, when he came downstairs dressed for school, I give him the same blah blah blah it's my birthday.

He just looked at me and walked into the kitchen.



then he left with his usual Bye Mom



I spent a lot of the day thinking about my mom, thinking about being her firstborn and thinking about how I felt the day Jack was born and wondering how she felt when I was born.

I thought about being the last one to see her body after she died. I thought about being outside the hospital room, watching the nurse prepare her body for the morgue. I thought about how I insisted to the resident that ALL her tissues be sampled for autopsy, not just the ones Dr NewGuy had requested because I didn't think he'd find the answers he was expecting. 

I thought about how I had looked at her body, departed of life and breath and soul, appearing so empty and I remembered thinking I grew in that body I came out of that body that body gave me life. And now that body is dead.

In that moment it was so clear. So real. 
I came out of her body.


So my birthday night I made dinner which the kids must have actually liked because we all sat down and ate together. After dinner we hung out and talked and laughed which was unusual, not because we don't have a good time together we have a raucous time together but because we are usually going in 4 different directions.

I started cleaning up and something about the way the kids were darting in and out of the room made me think are they planning something? Which I quickly dismissed because, I dunno, why would they do that for me? They're kids wrapped up in their own dramas and they know I don't really care about my birthday anyway.

Mia asks me to brush out her hair. But she wants me to come upstairs with her to get the brush cause she's spooked to go up there alone. Ty says there's a brush in the downstairs bathroom. I tell Mia to get the brush. Both Jack and Mia look at him like he had 2 heads. She says it's not the right one it hurts too much my hair's too knotty i need the one upstairs.

I remember I need to advance the laundry so I agree to go up with Mia to get the brush. I decide to throw another load in. I pick up a pair of Ty's jeans and pull his cell phone out of his pocket.

The brand new cell phone I had bought 2 weeks before.
The brand new cell phone I had bought 2 weeks before that he kept forgetting to charge.
The brand new cell phone I had bought 2 weeks before that he kept forgetting to charge that I ended up charging because Goddammit Ty the ONLY reason you have a cell phone is so that I can reach you.
The brand new cell phone that somehow disappeared one week after I bought it and one day after I plugged it in to charge it.
The phone that he swore he hadn't moved off the table i didn't touch it mom it was charging and now it's gone i have no idea someone took it

Seriously Ty??? You think someone took it???

So there is the cell phone that's been missing for a week in the pocket of his jeans that are in the hamper that by some miracle I noticed before I threw it in the washer. 

The Universe is Abundant but boy was I pissed.

Goddammit Ty...Ty???... Ty...??? ANSWER ME!!! why the fuck isn't he ANSWERING me???

My kids always answer me.

I tear out of the bathroom, cell phone in hand, bellowing his name. 
I must have looked like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. 
Mia cuts me off at the top of the stairs and blocks my way i'll get him mommy

Dammit Mia mind your business!!!... TY!!!

I get halfway down the stairs and Mia body checks me.


Mia are you kidding me??? Mind your own business and get out of my way!!!

I make it into the living room and Ty comes running at me looking like a Dear caught in the headlights of a Mother's Wrath. Musta been all my yelling. Goddamitt Ty I found your cell phone it was in your pants pocket in the laundry basket this whole time.

The look of relief that crossed his face was priceless. 
He teared up a little and threw his arms around me thank you mommy i love you mommy. 
Then with his arm still around me he led me back to the dining room.

And yes the lights were off and the candles were lit and the kids were beaming 
Happy Birthday Mom!
look I made you this, and I made you this, open this first, I asked Jessica to bake a special cake for you this one is your real present you can go with mia or jordana or shannon or whoever you want. its a gift certificate for 2 pedicures

I burst into tears. Like sobbing tears. Like I'm gonna fall down tears. Like I need to loose my shit tears. 

It was just SO fucking sweet and SO unexpected. It was the most amazing and awesome birthday ever. The kids were so proud they had pulled it off and smiled at me and let me cry and I looked each of them and cried harder oh my god you guys are so awesome i love you SO MUCH you guys are the best! And then they laughed at me. Mia facebooked from her phone omg we just surprised my mom for her birthday and she's crying like a baby! and within a few minutes I'm getting texts from friends and family hosing me for being such a weenie.

I warned Jack and Mia that they feigned surprise lied straight to my face just a little too well that morning. 
And that I was like what??? when Ty didn't say happy birthday even after I reminded him.

mom...oh my god mom... for 4 days jack was up in my face saying if you say ANYTHING AT ALL about mom's birthday I'm gonna kick your ass. 

Which is why he didn't say happy birthday.

It really was the best birthday ever. 



  1. How freakin fabulous and wonderful! Happy belated. You have such great kids!

  2. Which btw is no accident. You done good ma.

  3. Damn. Happy Birthday Momma. They love you, yes, they do.

  4. Oh, that is just perfection. I'm smiling ear to ear. Happy birthday beautiful 49er.

  5. That's just too damn sweet. I love this. Ty literally not saying ANYTHING? Ha!

  6. SO sweet. You made my day by sharing. xoxoxo

  7. Damn. Kids. What awesome ones you have raised.
    Your mama raised a good one too. Despite. Because. Whatever.
    Here you are. I'm so glad.
    Happy belated.

  8. Happy belated! That was great.

  9. Happy Birthday! And congrats on the new boobs.
    Your kids did good. Which means you did good.

  10. I loved every last minute of that post. Happy birthday, you hot mama!

  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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so... wadaya think?

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She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.