"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

crazy hearts


That goddamfucking song keeps going through my head.

Dr NewGuy biopsied her heart last week.

I know, right?

HEART BIOPSY... that's just crazy.

What's even crazier is that he's been looking at heart tissue for 25 years.
Head of the transplant team. And he looks at her crazy heart tissue and can't identify it.
He's never seen heart cells like her's before. So he had a pathologist from Mt Sinai look.
And this cardiac tissue special pathology guy in NYC has never seen anything like it either.

Of course

The Sisters don't understand how it's possible that the specialists HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS BEFORE

I say CAUSE WE'RE FUCKING FREAKS OF NATURE! but we already knew that

While he was doing the biopsy he told her your heart is like a tin can
Yup. She was awake. She watched little pieces of her tin can heart plunk in to a cup of water

eeek

Yesterday at work I was singing about crazy hearts in the halls between patients.
By the end of the day I felt all hot and hollow and empty and heavy.
Like the Tin Man or a hundred year old dented Can O'Beans left out in the sun.

I sent Bruce a text saying
I don't know if I'm feeling xtremely sad or xtremely guilty or both


The fresh ganesh on my back was a constant reminder on the drive down this morning.
Remover of Obstacles


The damn song kept popping into my head the whole way down.
This ain't no place for the weary kind It made my eyes leak pick up your crazy heart, give it one more try and my nose sting.
Crossing the parking lot I thought she'd really like that movie.

I don't know if she'll get the chance to see it this ain't no place to loose you're mind

I found her room in the CCU.
I looked at her with my leaky eyes and she looked at me and said it's not supposed to be this hard

and BANG

40 plus years of awkwardness and alien feelings and distance and discomfort melted away and I was just... me. And she was just her.
We were just two women in this moment in this life's experience and without thinking
I took her hand I remember being 8 and SO uncomfortable holding her hand and I looked at her and said
you're right its not supposed to be this hard. Your whole life it's been like this your body aches. I love you mommy.

46 yrs 7 months 2 days. And I said it first. And it was not hard

I'm going back tomorrow



15 comments:

  1. Oh, my own heart aches for you BOTH.
    My mother died when I was 11; this is possibly the most important single thing anyone can know about me. I have no wisdom, except: follow your own (VERY WISE) heart, even if it takes you to uneasy places, and your friends will be sending love and healing and bright blue white love. Oh, and one more thing: we are all proud of you as you find your way through this maze, this puzzle to which there is no simple answer. We are with you, we root for you, we cheer you on, and we really DO send that warm and cool and healing white light.
    Love you.

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  2. I love you.
    also with the white light.
    good luck tomorrow, but luck has nothing to do with this. you are doing it right.
    xo

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  3. I am speechless. But I love you.

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  4. Outrageous -- all of it. You're a Bodhisattva --

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  5. Been there, oh it hurts. Love and prayers sent to you both.

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  6. Wow! I just want to reach through the internet and give you a great big hug! Weird how God gives us pain just to remind us of LOVE.

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  7. ((tight hugs for both of you))

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  8. How amazing. And so beautiful that this could happen for you.

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  9. My goodness --I am so glad you were able to say it. What an experience. You'll never, ever forget this.

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  10. i guess i'm the only one who read skinny legs and all. i also am the only one wh knows mommy, but not like you do. different here.

    what will we look like on the other end of this? i don't like the prognosis.

    xo

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  11. You have a way with words.

    Wow.

    I hope the days have gone well.

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  12. I'm thinking about you and hoping that things are going all right. Love and peace to you, too --

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  13. you are amazing.
    this got me.

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.