And so it goes...

I kept waking up with heartburn.

I never have heartburn. Especially at night.

And heartburn that's so bad it's waking me up? NEVER

I kept waking up and thinking I should go get a Pepcid AC. And then I'd think this is ridiculous. I don't get heartburn. I'm going back to sleep.

And I'd roll on my side and fall back to sleep. Then I'd wake up from the heartburn again.

WTF?

At 7am my phone woke me up. A text from Sister Melanie.

Mommy says she wants to move on...

By noon we were all there.

Mia gave Her the pink fuzzy monkey she's been wanting to give Her all week, but kept forgetting in the car.

Which was OK with me as contact precautions had been put into place and nothing sticks to pink fuzz like C. diff.

Right tulpen?

Jacqui came in and said oh She found her pink fuzzy thing and pointed to the monkey Mia had balanced on her Grumsie's chest.

????

Jacqui said She kept asking for it last night. Kept looking in the bed sheets saying where's that pink fuzzy thing?

It's important. It needs to stay safe. It must have changed color...

Guess She knew there was a pink fuzzy thing in Her future.

She kept asking for the time. Asking how long before everyone gets here? What time is it now? How much longer?

There were a lot of people in that hospital room.

By noon we were all there. Sister Melanie got each of the west coast siblings on speaker phone. She was their Big Sister.

Five phone calls later and She had said Her good-byes.

She even said Her I love you-s. And each time She said it, the words came more easily.

Until finally, speaking to Her baby brother, She said the words first.

will wonders never cease

She searched all our faces as we huddled around Her hospital bed. Back and forth. Back and forth. Making sure we were all there.

She whispered something to Sister Melanie. I heard Her say communicate to Michelle...

She wants Ty to play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring at Her funeral.

Sister Adrienne looked at me and said She does NOT have a tin can heart

Then She was ready.

The nurse stopped the IV meds that were keeping Her heart pumping. After a while they started a morphine drip.

We held Her hands.

And we waited.

Over the hours, we watched Her heart rate slow. Watched Her respirations slow. Heard them get jagged. Watched Her O2 drop.

We brushed Her hair.

And we waited.

They increased Her morphine.

We held Her hands some more.

And we waited

Around 11pm things got pretty raucous. We were cracking ourselves up remembering the wild parties thrown when we were teenagers and They were away on vacation. Who smoked what when. Who drank what where. Who did donuts at the top of the hill. Who answered the door when the police knocked. Who set fire to what.

Good times.

Then suddenly, at 11:25, we all got quiet. Like a gong had rung. The stories stopped. The laughter stopped. We were quiet. And waiting.

At 11:45 I collected Mia up from her napping place in the waiting room. At midnight Ty looked at the clock and said it's 12. At 12:08 I looked at the monitors and tapped Sister Adrienne on the arm. We all gathered close. Watched the blips. One breath. Watched the lines. No breath. Saw the zeros. No breath. Saw the red flashes. No breath.

pulseless

She wants Her ashes mixed with His and divided up so we each can sprinkle them in our gardens

pulseless

She wants Ty to play the cello at Her funeral

pulseless

She tried damn hard to hold out until Her 9th grandbaby was born

pulseless

but not so heartless after all

June 21. Summer solstice 2010