Almost my best

It's 7:46 and it's my favorite time of day.


The house is quiet and I feel like I am ALONE. In a good way.


The Sanctuary is really pretty, and this is the only time I can enjoy it in peace. And because I am not fully functional until I've had 3 cups of half-caf, I can allow myself to sit here and ignore the litany of thoughts in my head the place is a mess i need to vaccuum hang those pictures shock the pool clean up the cupcake mess finish painting my bedroom put up the shelves buy food dammit because Praise Jesus and Kali I'm on my first cup of half-caf and I'm not going anywhere yet. Except the kitchen for cup #2. And maybe the bathroom.

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It's already 85 and so humid my palms are sweating onto the keyboard. Looks like thunderstorms for tonight which is a blessing. It's been so dry here even my butterfly bush is wilting.

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I'm struggling with my mothering. The kids hound me that I'm not doing enough. 

OK. That's not entirely true. Only Ty hounds me. Because he's a pain in the ass. But of course his complaints and pookie faces translate to imma a bad mom im not doing enough im selfish my priorities are messed up.

Ty's almost 12 now and practically lives at his friend Nick's house. The way I practically lived at my friend Debbie's house and the way Jack's friend Andrew practically lived with us for 2 years. Knowing that Ty rather be THERE than HERE is a hard pill to swallow. And I take it very personally.

He likes it there because Nick's mom makes REAL food for dinner. And she always has junk food around. Ty's also her Favorite and most of the time she doesn't let any other kids into her house. Apparently her standard answer to mom can i have a friend over? is FUCK NO! Unless it's Ty. I think he's slept there 4 of the last 5 nights. They love him over there. Here he claims he's a victim of Middle Child Syndrome which I don't at all believe in but if he feels ignored or marginalized at home I guess I just have to live with that.

I'm buying him an XBox today. An early birthday present. 

To show him how much I love him.

Shoot me

****

I tell myself if I were a single DAD with a full time job, I wouldn't be holding myself to the same standards. My kids would be expecting less from me. I can't really comment on that phenomenon except to say it's just the way it is.

I know moms who spend all their waking hours entertaining their kids. I'm not that mom. I let my boys roam the neighborhood and hang with their friends the way we used to when we were their age. Like Middle Child Syndrome, I don't really believe the world is a more dangerous place now than it was 40 years ago. 

But that's just me. 

CPS and "lack of supervision" might bite me in the ass, but the whole pack of kids have fun making the rounds to various swimming pools and houses. They get thrown out of one house and they move on to the next, or play basketball at the school, or go on adventures on their bikes.

Exactly what we used to do. But they have cell phones.

I got aggravated the other day because once again, despite all the dammit ty the ONLY reason you have a cell phone is so that i know where you are rants, Ty was out and his cell phone was sitting on the kitchen counter. Jack's response was mom it's ok, you know he's safe.

Which is true. He's safe. Just as we were safe 40 years ago. Without cell phones.

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So this is my current struggle. Letting myself off the hook. Allowing myself some gratification without labeling it as selfish. Believing that I'm doing my best. Almost.

P.S. I was raised by wolves without cell phones and was never taught to write a proper thank you note. Ms Moon, Elizabeth, SB, Angela, SJ, Steph, Kate, Movie, Kori, Tela, and Mel, thank you for welcoming back home. I do believe our hearts are connected. You all rock. xoxoxo

only human

I've been away so long I don't recognize Blogger anymore.


Stupid Blogger.


And what the hell is Favicon?

I can't remember shit anymore.

****

I've been away for a lot of reasons.

Work. House. Kids.

Tequila.

Life.

****

Let's start with the tequila. To keep me honest.

And since I'm being honest, it wasn't just tequila. It was also wine and sake. Beer at 11:30 when I was working in the garden and hungry from not having eaten. It's much easier to chug a Blue Moon than scrounge up food. Or so I told myself.

Margaritas were my cocktail of choice. Tequila didn't give me a headache. I could drink a lot of it and just have a damn good time. Or so I told myself.

I knew I was straddling the line. I could feel the line like that steel bar on a boys bicycle and you know that one little slip will land you on your girl parts and man will that hurt.

I knew I was straddling the line. I would wake up in the morning and think about when I could have a drink. I stopped at the liquor store before I stopped at the grocery store.

For the first time in 20 years I felt self-loathing. My anxiety increased. My depression returned. I increased my prozac knowing full well it wouldn't help. 

I knew I was drinking to keep the grief at bay. So much loss over the past 3 years. Father, husband, mother, lover. Not that I was afraid of the grief. I just thought I didn't have time to indulge it. I had too much to hold together. Too many people depending on me.

OK. Maybe I was a little afraid of the grief. Especially the lost lover grief.

Yes. Maybe. 

****

I could feel the end coming. I didn't know how big or bad it would be. 

I could feel it rising in me like vomit or an orgasm. 

****

It came on a Tuesday. Yoga in the morning. We did 2nd chakra work. Yogini Shannon warned us that we hold a lot of shame and grief in our 2nd chakra and we might experience some emotional release later in the day.

Sure Shan. Whatever.

I met Anouk and Jordana for lunch. I was glad they had picked a spot that served alcohol. Fast behind that thought my heart skipped a beat maybe they're planning an intervention. Then came that's silly michelle they wouldn't do an intervention in a restaurant with a bar. sigh of relief.

If that's not crazy alcoholic thinking, I don't know what is.

I sucked down 2 glasses of wine. Then I sucked down most of Anouk's. She didn't want it anyway.

By 6 I had probably had 2 margaritas. Maybe 3. I make them strong. Without ice.

Then came thoughts of the lost lover. The lost lover who eclipsed all others but was known from the beginning to be a dead end. The lost lover who has sunshine streaming out of his head that still blinds me when we pass each other on the street. The lost lover I still wait for.

The sobbing started and I could feel it wasn't going to stop. Mia and Ty were distraught. I had Jack take them into the house and I locked myself in my car. I sent texts to Jordana, Yogini Shannon, and Calgon Jon im in trouble i need help im losing my shit can you come?

And they did. They came because they love me and they are awesome. They dropped what they were doing and came.

And because I am so blessed, and the Universe Is Abundant, I was rescued in the most perfect of ways.  

Because she loves me, Yogini Shannon took me away in her car and drove around for almost 2 hours while I sobbed. She drove and let me cry. She spoke very little we're just gonna drive mama we're gonna roll down the windows and let the wind blow your letting it out you're moving through it you're coming out the other side do what you have to do. 

Because she loves me, Jordana stayed with the kids and ranted. Her ranting allowed the kids to rant. They were all angry with me. Her anger gave the kids permission to express their own anger what the fuck is she doing after all this family has been through how could she do this i'm so angry with her ...i'm not worried about me but mia and ty still need to be taken care of goddammit she needs to hold it together.

And because he loves me, Calgon Jon remained the calm voice of reason, always pragmatic, never judgemental, the devil's advocate all i can say is that alcohol has been a key factor in every horrible awful thing that has ever happened in my life.

I came home soaking wet weighing 3lbs less than when I had left. Seriously. 3lbs of tears and energy. I came home spent and clean.

That was almost 8 weeks ago.

I've missed you all.