Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I Love My Kids: Part 1
Ty is not my middle child's first name. It's actually his middle name. His first name is Godfukindammit.
Like you know how in real life or sitcoms when a kid is in Big Trouble and mom yells the kid's first AND middle name in that ooooh boy... you are in so much trouble....get over here this minute voice?
Well, when I'm pissed at Ty this is what you hear in my house
Godfukindammit Ty what the fuck!?!
that's just how it is in The Sanctuary
Yesterday the kids were off for like the 7 millionth day in a row. Mia went to the sitter's, Jack went to work, and Ty hung out at home with a friend. It occurred to me before I left to remind him to CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF. But I didn't. I think maybe deep down I knew either way I'd come home to a disaster area regardless. And being an Eternal Optimist, I thought maybe I'll come home to a relatively clean house and be so pleasantly surprised and I will beam adoringly at my middle child and say thank you for cleaning up after yourself Ty i didn't even have to remind you you are awesome
disclaimer #1: now I know you're thinking WTF??? the 12 yr old should automatically clean up after himself, shouldn't have to be reminded, and absolutely should not be thanked and praised for meeting the minimal responsibilities of being part of a family. It's my own fault. I succumb to the it's just easier to do it myself i don't want to fight nag bitch and i do it better anyway thing. It's my version of the i feel guilty and like a bad parent because i work and i'm not home enough and your father and i are not together thing. It's just the way it is. I need to remind all of them like every night to clear their plates which get dumped in the sink instead of put in the dishwasher but at least Jack and Mia do it. And they say ok Mommy or sure Mom because they know they get off so easy with me when it comes to housework and chores and they know it's the right thing to do. But Ty can be a pain in the tush. He'll huff and puff and stomp and throw his body around. Sometimes he looks at me like I have 2 heads and I've asked him to... I don't know... drive the getaway car while I rob the Credit Union or eat a bowlful of raw eggs or something.
Sometimes I get a why do I have to do it? Why can't Jack do it?
That's when his first name is Areyoufukinkiddingme and his last name is Becuzisaidso.
So last night I get home late from a brutal 12 hour day and the kitchen is a MESS. Like a we made pancakes for breakfast and frozen stuff for lunch and baked a cake and didn't put one damn thing away mess. Like a the box of Bisquick is wide open and the tops for the Pam and Wesson are... I don't know... not on the Pam and Wesson mess. And a the cellophane wrappers from the frozen lunch stuff are scattered around and most definitely not in the garbage mess. And the sink is overflowing with crap and the crap that doesn't fit into the overflowing sink is spread from one end of the counter to the other mess.
Sometimes Ty's first name is Whathefuk.
Whathefuk Ty the place is a mess down there.
Blank stare... what???
Sometimes Ty's first name is Areyoukiddingme
Areyoukiddingme Ty? There's crap everywhere. It was CLEAN when I left.
More blank stares. We couldn't clean up cuz the dishwasher was full.
Sometimes Ty's first name is Seriously
Seriously Ty? That's when you empty the goddamfukin dishwasher and load the dirty shit up. Why should I have to clean up your crap after I worked my ass off all day?
Still more blank stares. He just doesn't get it.
Or maybe he's just a turd.
I took a deep breath and calmed down. When I'm calm he's just Ty.
Ty... tomorrow morning you're gonna clean up the kitchen before you go to school.
Blank. Stare. Confusion.
Before school Mom?
Yes Honey. Before school. I'm not gonna look at that mess all day. So you'd better go to sleep now so you have time in the morning.
So this morning, the kitchen looked pretty much the same as last night. I didn't hear the usual bye mom when Ty left for school. Aaargh. I figured he'd either completely forgotten entirely possible or hit the snooze button and woke up late also entirely possible.
oooooh im gonna kick his ass when he gets home.
after I clean the kitchen.
On closer inspection I saw that he had emptied the dishwasher and partially loaded it. But there was still half a sinkful of crap and the Wesson bottle and Pam can and Bisquick box were still sitting on the counter. Maybe to him that was cleaning up. Maybe he ran out of time. There will be an explanation later I'm sure.
Sigh. I feel a lecture coming on. And more blank stares.
Sooner or later we'll get it right.
disclaimer #2: I'm cranky and tired and premenstrual and I love my Whathefukinfuk Ty to bits.
Now it's time to clean the kitchen
Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.