it's all i got today

my house smells like a barn

or a petting zoo

or something equally foul

boo

be careful what you wish for

I always said I wanted to have the house where all the kids could hang out.

I wanted to be The Cool Mom

When the kids and I moved into this house I thought this is awesome its just a few blocks from the middle and high schools, it has big rooms with high ceilings and a pool! everyone can hang out here. its gonna be gwate. everyone will be so happy

I even knocked out a wall to make it easier for lots of kids to hang out and be sociable.

What the hell was I thinking???

Being The Cool Mom comes with a price. 

367$ at BJs for economy sized cases of DIY frozen foods. 
Lots of peanut butter and many more loaves of bread. 
Stepping  over 19 backpacks and 127 pairs of shoes and moving the 16 hoodies that are perpetually draped over the dining room chairs. 
Hearing basketballs pound pound pound in the big open room downstairs.

It means ALWAYS coming home to way more than 3 kids. And once or twice a week waking up to at least 9 and most mornings more than my 3.

And school's not yet out...

The first 2 summers there was an eternal trail of wet towels from the pool to the sunroom, through the kitchen and into the dining room. The trail turned into a heap in the computer room. The chairseats around the computer were perpetually damp.

And because it was so important for me The Cool Mom, I didn't nag. I didn't yell. I spent those summers shaking out wet towels and hanging them in the sun to dry. I wiped gallons of water up off the hardwood floors. I sniffed the damp upholstery to check for mildew.

Besides, I've seen moms who nag and yell. It doesn't really help. 
And I don't have the energy anyway.

Last summer I couldn't get the pool clear. At best it was a lovely cloudy shade of aqua but most of the time it was a green ranging from sparkling emerald to swampthang.

But... there were no towels on the floor no wet footprints through my house and no mildewy chairs cushions.

Which is why the pool is now a koi pond. Last fall I threw 10 baby koi that were half price at petco into the perpetual green muckiness. I figured if they're alive in the spring I'll take it as a sign. And yes they did survive our polar arctic winter and are growing like gangbusters. I think they must thrive on algae. A few weeks ago I threw in some water hyacinth and water lilies and I'm hoping the neighbors don't complain that I might cause a chikunguya outbreak here in the Hudson Valley. 

Honestly I'm relieved all these kids that didn't come out of my body, and those that did, can find another place to swim this summer.

But...if I ignore the crap left all over the house, the open peanut bottle jars, the din of adolescent boys watching basketball at midnight and the fact that in this big house the ONLY place I find a little solitude is in my bed, I can appreciate what I have.

I have WAY more than the 3 kids who actually came out of my body calling me Mom. 
It's very sweet. 

My therapist said "do you know WHY there are always kids there?'
I said "because I'm not a bitch like the other moms?"

She said "because you have a happy house"

I have a happy house. I wished for that too.

Abundance

It's a little after 6 and it's quiet except for the rain. 
I'm sitting in bed with a cup of coffee.

The Universe is Abundant

At 4 I woke up and I heard the rain and remembered I'd left the car windows down. I'd closed the sunroof because these days I'm dipping a tad below my optimism baseline. So I think ridiculous things like I'll close the sunroof in case it rains but I'll leave the windows down. It's more typical of me to look out the sunroof at the hazy summer sky and think lalalalala it's not going to rain cuz that would be a bummer lalalala. The inside of the car gets drenched at least twice a sunroof season.

I have to dry out the car before I drive the kids to school but at least I closed the sunroof. 
The rain is giving me a sinus headache but I have sudafed and advil.

The Universe is Abundant

My anxiety is receding. I'm remembering to breathe deep. I chant in my head to drown out those negative thoughts when they start cycling. Om Namah on the inhale Shivaya on the exhale. I remind myself that the ferocious dog at my heels is really only in my head. thank you jim carrey

The Universe is Abundant

I have fresh coffee though no cream. But I do have milk. And because The Man I Love only buys lowfat milk, I've become accustomed to drinking my morning coffee lowfat. So I am content with whole milk in my coffee this morning. I'll get cream later.

I have a car I can drive to get cream for my coffee and a secure job and Thursdays off.

The Universe is Abundant

The Man I Love has taught me many things. I have learned that not all people who watch Fox 5 are assholes. I have learned that stupid sitcoms can still be funny and laughter is good medicine. I have learned that I can let myself melt into someone's arms and trust his love and accept his help. And given the circumstance of our meeting, I have learned that the Universe does conspire to give us what we want and though Love At First Sight might be rare, it is real. 

The Universe is Abundant

stick a fork in me...

there's a weird thing that happens as we women get older. when our bodies start to move out of the baby making stage we venture forth and venture inward. we want to get rid of stuff. we want to spend time alone. we want to create. 

WE DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE 

there. i said it. im so done with taking care of other people. maybe i should clarify. im done taking care of people who came out of my body. because they torture me. nothing i do is ever good enough. theyre always wanting more. and more. and more.

taking care of the folks moms kids who didnt come out of my body is enjoyable. and satisfying. why??? BECAUSE THEY APPRECIATE IT GODDAMMIT. and i feel like im doing a good job. i feel appreciated at work.

not so much at home...

last september i changed my work schedule. i had been doing 12hr days m-w-f and i liked that schedule but i thought it was time that i unload the babysitter and end 16 yrs and over 100k in child care. i thought i should be home more in the evening because now theyre big kids and might want to talk and process and i wanted to be more available to them

yikes

i had already heard "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child" and knew that to be true. when they were little they were happy. even through The Storm tho they were probably not happy, at least i could comfort them. i could say the right thing and call them sweetpea and snuggle with them and they would be ok. i could kiss the boo-boo and make it better.

now im hearing "little kids little problems big kids big problems". tell me about it. complicated emotions complicated friendships complicated math. nothing i do is right. nothing i do is good enough. and i know it's a developmental stage akin to the terrible two's but holy shit having THREE of them going through it at the same time is...devastating

that sound extreme but that's the word that comes to mind. i guess the devastating part is more about me than them. the boys kick ass in school. theyre funny and have awesome friends. mia cares about grades because she doesnt want to dissapoint but she's not people pleasing to the point of actually giving enough of a shit to do well. but man is she creative. and she's...dare i say... normal. no more panic attacks, no more overwhelming fear and sadness. she entered the middle school and came into her own. 

so given the general state of their beings, i really have nothing to complain about. but they sure have a lot to complain about me. and thats the part thats devastating. i think the pituitary gland and gonads must release a yet unidentified hormone that triggers eye rolling sighing huffing puffing i want i need more eye rolling and general impatience once puberty is in full swing. and like women living together who very quickly start cycling together, in a house with 3 teenagers its just a whole mess of positive feedback. it doesnt matter that im the cool mom and all the friends want to be here. it doesnt matter that deep down they KNOW that im the cool mom and everyone has fun here. they still have to torture me. they cant help what their hormones are driving them to do anymore than i can help that my hormones are screaming SELL THE FARM AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!  

i know this is normal. ive been hearing it every day from every mom for 17 years. i just didnt realize how much it really sucks. granted there may be other influences effecting my ability to enjoy them but right now it feels like im a pretty shitty parent because my children never seem to be satisfied.

this summer is gonna be hell

faith and fear

it's been a long, long time and my words and thoughts are rusty

something extraordinary happened yesterday....

i've been struggling. fearful. anxious.

dare i say depressed

it's a horrible feeling

the fear has slowly steadily seeped through all my hours. 
no amount of work sleep pills beer could douse it

i've been ignoring faith, misbelieving love. 
i've forgotten that ganesh has my back so the obstacles have been overwhelming

i've forgotten the universe is abundant

sister halona said faith and fear... do you love him? 

...i love him something awful...

jim carrey said faith and fear... we are the light that shines through 

i know...jim carrey... it sounds ridiculous but if you have 26 min go here

you know that feeling when you wake up and for a split second all is good? then your brain starts and dammit if you're not down the rabbit hole before you even realize you have to pee. it's a horrible feeling.

yesterday i was done. on my way to work i felt desperate. and somehow i remembered maybe all i had to do was ask. throw it out there and be open for the results. so i did. i opened my mind and my heart as i made the right onto vassar road and asked the universe for peace. for relief. i even dared to ask for happiness. i asked without reservation or doubt or expectation. i asked with faith and in that moment the belief that the universe would come through

5 minutes later my request was forgotten because i was late for work and thinking about dinner and debt and having to do everything by myself which by the way is not true i have as much help as i'm willing to ask for

i struggled through my morning. frustrated, aggravated, impatient. i realized i'd forgotten my wallet at home and worried that i'd be cross eyed and hungry and cranky by the end of the day and end up going home and drinking beer to fill me up and shut me down

on my lunch break i remembered i had a container of trail mix in my desk. nuts cranberries chocolate chips quieted my stomach and tasted good. i started feeling better

my afternoon was crazy and intense. every patient was loaded and complicated but it was ok. in the periphery i noticed i wasn't so cranky or impatient. i thought it must be the chocolate chips. 

at one point in the afternoon, i entered a room expecting the worst. lo and behold, this particular young lady smiled at me and said i'm good it's better i think its working. and her mother smiled at me and nodded. she's better i'm so relieved. i havent seen them smile in over a year. and damn did my heart explode and i was smiling too oh my gosh i LOVE that i'm SO happy you're feeling better you just made my day

we are the light that shines through

by the time i left the office, though it was almost 6 and i was going home to hungry demanding high maintenance final exam final projects regents AP test taking teenagers, i felt calm. not only did i feel calm, i felt good. better than i've felt in weeks.

i thought this is crazy. how could i feel so shitty for so long and then all of a sudden feel so much better? i cursed my ovaries. that left one is a fickle bitch. seismic hormonal shift was the only explanation for the mega-change in my mood

until i made the left off of vassar road. and remembered what i had asked the universe for at the same intersection that morning.

peace. relief. freedom from fear. and god forbid even happiness. 

today i stumbled upon this. i read the foreword and now it's on my kindle

faith and fear

we are the light that shines through

The Universe Is Abundant