getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

stick a fork in me...

there's a weird thing that happens as we women get older. when our bodies start to move out of the baby making stage we venture forth and venture inward. we want to get rid of stuff. we want to spend time alone. we want to create. 

WE DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE 

there. i said it. im so done with taking care of other people. maybe i should clarify. im done taking care of people who came out of my body. because they torture me. nothing i do is ever good enough. theyre always wanting more. and more. and more.

taking care of the folks moms kids who didnt come out of my body is enjoyable. and satisfying. why??? BECAUSE THEY APPRECIATE IT GODDAMMIT. and i feel like im doing a good job. i feel appreciated at work.

not so much at home...

last september i changed my work schedule. i had been doing 12hr days m-w-f and i liked that schedule but i thought it was time that i unload the babysitter and end 16 yrs and over 100k in child care. i thought i should be home more in the evening because now theyre big kids and might want to talk and process and i wanted to be more available to them

yikes

i had already heard "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child" and knew that to be true. when they were little they were happy. even through The Storm tho they were probably not happy, at least i could comfort them. i could say the right thing and call them sweetpea and snuggle with them and they would be ok. i could kiss the boo-boo and make it better.

now im hearing "little kids little problems big kids big problems". tell me about it. complicated emotions complicated friendships complicated math. nothing i do is right. nothing i do is good enough. and i know it's a developmental stage akin to the terrible two's but holy shit having THREE of them going through it at the same time is...devastating

that sound extreme but that's the word that comes to mind. i guess the devastating part is more about me than them. the boys kick ass in school. theyre funny and have awesome friends. mia cares about grades because she doesnt want to dissapoint but she's not people pleasing to the point of actually giving enough of a shit to do well. but man is she creative. and she's...dare i say... normal. no more panic attacks, no more overwhelming fear and sadness. she entered the middle school and came into her own. 

so given the general state of their beings, i really have nothing to complain about. but they sure have a lot to complain about me. and thats the part thats devastating. i think the pituitary gland and gonads must release a yet unidentified hormone that triggers eye rolling sighing huffing puffing i want i need more eye rolling and general impatience once puberty is in full swing. and like women living together who very quickly start cycling together, in a house with 3 teenagers its just a whole mess of positive feedback. it doesnt matter that im the cool mom and all the friends want to be here. it doesnt matter that deep down they KNOW that im the cool mom and everyone has fun here. they still have to torture me. they cant help what their hormones are driving them to do anymore than i can help that my hormones are screaming SELL THE FARM AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!  

i know this is normal. ive been hearing it every day from every mom for 17 years. i just didnt realize how much it really sucks. granted there may be other influences effecting my ability to enjoy them but right now it feels like im a pretty shitty parent because my children never seem to be satisfied.

this summer is gonna be hell

4 comments:

  1. The summer is always hell. then school starts again and blessed routine reasserts itself. One breath a time. Your kids are doing great! Which means you're doing great no matter what they say. Trust me on this.

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  2. Oh honey. Do I even need to say I know what you're talking about?
    But the fact that they're never satisfied absolutely does not mean that you're a shitty parent. It means, quite frankly, that they are normal and you are doing your job. Because YOU CANNOT GIVE THEM ENOUGH TO SATISFY THEM!
    Ever. Nor should you.
    Send them all out to hunt the wooly mammoth.
    I love you. Hang in there. This, too, shall pass. I promise with all of my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I hear you barking big dog.

    Love,
    Another Shitty Parent (at least according to her kids)

    ReplyDelete
  4. It can really suck, those teenage years. Being treated like a doormat, or with disdain, knowing no matter what you say or do, it's the wrong thing, and sometimes I'm sure I created selfish, lazy monsters, and other times I'm sure I made the best kids ever and sometimes I'm sure it has nothing to do with me at all and it's not about me, it's about teenagers, and I remember being an awful one at times. I also distinctly remember the day mom walked out the back door and kept on walking, 7 miles to the next town, Seaford, to a friend's house, who finally called to let us know where she was. She was done. On my worst days, I say at least I haven't walked to Seaford yet. So there's that.

    But oh, the subjugation of self, it's so hard, especially as an aging hormonal woman. It's thankless. But those moments when they are kind, or attentive or nice, or we enjoy being together - they are golden, and they sustain me through the shittier times.

    Summer is the worst, no schedules and total chaos - non stop dishes and laundry and dirt. And I only have 2, Bless Your Heart, with 3. Hang in there. This too shall pass. And there's always the relativity game - it could always be worse, ha ha. You are not alone, there are legions of bewildered, tired shitty parents out here. xo

    ReplyDelete

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Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.