there's a weird thing that happens as we women get older. when our bodies start to move out of the baby making stage we venture forth and venture inward. we want to get rid of stuff. we want to spend time alone. we want to create.
WE DONT WANT TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER PEOPLE
there. i said it. im so done with taking care of other people. maybe i should clarify. im done taking care of people who came out of my body. because they torture me. nothing i do is ever good enough. theyre always wanting more. and more. and more.
taking care of the folks moms kids who didnt come out of my body is enjoyable. and satisfying. why??? BECAUSE THEY APPRECIATE IT GODDAMMIT. and i feel like im doing a good job. i feel appreciated at work.
not so much at home...
last september i changed my work schedule. i had been doing 12hr days m-w-f and i liked that schedule but i thought it was time that i unload the babysitter and end 16 yrs and over 100k in child care. i thought i should be home more in the evening because now theyre big kids and might want to talk and process and i wanted to be more available to them
i had already heard "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child" and knew that to be true. when they were little they were happy. even through The Storm tho they were probably not happy, at least i could comfort them. i could say the right thing and call them sweetpea and snuggle with them and they would be ok. i could kiss the boo-boo and make it better.
now im hearing "little kids little problems big kids big problems". tell me about it. complicated emotions complicated friendships complicated math. nothing i do is right. nothing i do is good enough. and i know it's a developmental stage akin to the terrible two's but holy shit having THREE of them going through it at the same time is...devastating
that sound extreme but that's the word that comes to mind. i guess the devastating part is more about me than them. the boys kick ass in school. theyre funny and have awesome friends. mia cares about grades because she doesnt want to dissapoint but she's not people pleasing to the point of actually giving enough of a shit to do well. but man is she creative. and she's...dare i say... normal. no more panic attacks, no more overwhelming fear and sadness. she entered the middle school and came into her own.
so given the general state of their beings, i really have nothing to complain about. but they sure have a lot to complain about me. and thats the part thats devastating. i think the pituitary gland and gonads must release a yet unidentified hormone that triggers eye rolling sighing huffing puffing i want i need more eye rolling and general impatience once puberty is in full swing. and like women living together who very quickly start cycling together, in a house with 3 teenagers its just a whole mess of positive feedback. it doesnt matter that im the cool mom and all the friends want to be here. it doesnt matter that deep down they KNOW that im the cool mom and everyone has fun here. they still have to torture me. they cant help what their hormones are driving them to do anymore than i can help that my hormones are screaming SELL THE FARM AND GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!
i know this is normal. ive been hearing it every day from every mom for 17 years. i just didnt realize how much it really sucks. granted there may be other influences effecting my ability to enjoy them but right now it feels like im a pretty shitty parent because my children never seem to be satisfied.
this summer is gonna be hell
15 hours ago