getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Thursday, June 12, 2014

faith and fear

it's been a long, long time and my words and thoughts are rusty

something extraordinary happened yesterday....

i've been struggling. fearful. anxious.

dare i say depressed

it's a horrible feeling

the fear has slowly steadily seeped through all my hours. 
no amount of work sleep pills beer could douse it

i've been ignoring faith, misbelieving love. 
i've forgotten that ganesh has my back so the obstacles have been overwhelming

i've forgotten the universe is abundant

sister halona said faith and fear... do you love him? 

...i love him something awful...

jim carrey said faith and fear... we are the light that shines through 

i know...jim carrey... it sounds ridiculous but if you have 26 min go here

you know that feeling when you wake up and for a split second all is good? then your brain starts and dammit if you're not down the rabbit hole before you even realize you have to pee. it's a horrible feeling.

yesterday i was done. on my way to work i felt desperate. and somehow i remembered maybe all i had to do was ask. throw it out there and be open for the results. so i did. i opened my mind and my heart as i made the right onto vassar road and asked the universe for peace. for relief. i even dared to ask for happiness. i asked without reservation or doubt or expectation. i asked with faith and in that moment the belief that the universe would come through

5 minutes later my request was forgotten because i was late for work and thinking about dinner and debt and having to do everything by myself which by the way is not true i have as much help as i'm willing to ask for

i struggled through my morning. frustrated, aggravated, impatient. i realized i'd forgotten my wallet at home and worried that i'd be cross eyed and hungry and cranky by the end of the day and end up going home and drinking beer to fill me up and shut me down

on my lunch break i remembered i had a container of trail mix in my desk. nuts cranberries chocolate chips quieted my stomach and tasted good. i started feeling better

my afternoon was crazy and intense. every patient was loaded and complicated but it was ok. in the periphery i noticed i wasn't so cranky or impatient. i thought it must be the chocolate chips. 

at one point in the afternoon, i entered a room expecting the worst. lo and behold, this particular young lady smiled at me and said i'm good it's better i think its working. and her mother smiled at me and nodded. she's better i'm so relieved. i havent seen them smile in over a year. and damn did my heart explode and i was smiling too oh my gosh i LOVE that i'm SO happy you're feeling better you just made my day

we are the light that shines through

by the time i left the office, though it was almost 6 and i was going home to hungry demanding high maintenance final exam final projects regents AP test taking teenagers, i felt calm. not only did i feel calm, i felt good. better than i've felt in weeks.

i thought this is crazy. how could i feel so shitty for so long and then all of a sudden feel so much better? i cursed my ovaries. that left one is a fickle bitch. seismic hormonal shift was the only explanation for the mega-change in my mood

until i made the left off of vassar road. and remembered what i had asked the universe for at the same intersection that morning.

peace. relief. freedom from fear. and god forbid even happiness. 

today i stumbled upon this. i read the foreword and now it's on my kindle

faith and fear

we are the light that shines through

The Universe Is Abundant



11 comments:

  1. Michelle, Michelle, Michelle! I have been thinking of you so much, you have been in my heart. Present there, yes, and I have been felt you. I think of how I dreamed of you and your sister before you ever came into my life and it did not seem, even though you have been silent for so long, that your place in my life could be over. And here you are.
    Oh, how I have missed you!
    I am sorry to hear that times have been hard. I am glad to hear that there is a lifting.
    I just love you, somewhere in my bones.
    Hello.

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    Replies
    1. ms moon you responded so quickly i burst into tears. i have missed you too
      xoxo

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  2. Oh my gosh Michelle, you have no idea how good it is to see you back here, and to hear that a little light, maybe a lot of light, is filtering through. God, I know so well the feelings you describe, though the circumstances differ. In fact, I am feeling much as you described feeling today, but reading your post, and your ask for the gloom to lift, and your receiving this reminder of abundance, is an unexpected gift to me; i feel lighter already, and less alone. thank you for coming back here, for sharing this testimony, for being YOU. god, i have missed you.

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    Replies
    1. angela! i feel like i've come home :)

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  3. I just reread my comment. I, of course meant that I have been FEELING you.
    And I have.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You're back! Hoping to hear more from you.

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  5. I have checked back here so many times, wishing, hoping you'd check in and I almost couldn't believe it when I saw an update on my blog feed.

    I'm so glad that you wrote it out and hit publish! The universe is abundant :) I'm so sorry things have been hard, and so relieved that there has been a lightening. We've been sharing our loads here all along, and it helps, it really does.

    My left ovary was always a fickle bitch too, I don't miss her one bit.

    I hear you though, things are hard, life is hard, but there are good things too, sometimes we just have to wait a really long time for them to shine through.

    Hope the kids are well and that you are being kind and patient with yourself.

    xo

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  6. Well, hot damn! You're here again! I am sorry that you've been low and down and all of that, but hot diggety dog, you're here. Do you know that the expression "the universe is abundant" is part of my lexicon now because of you?

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  7. Damn, Michelle. Jim Carrey's speech just blew me away. Thank you so much for steering me to his video.

    xo

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  8. You're back! Oh how I've missed you!!

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.