it's been a long, long time and my words and thoughts are rusty
something extraordinary happened yesterday....
i've been struggling. fearful. anxious.
dare i say depressed
it's a horrible feeling
the fear has slowly steadily seeped through all my hours.
no amount of work sleep pills beer could douse it
i've been ignoring faith, misbelieving love.
i've forgotten that ganesh has my back so the obstacles have been overwhelming
i've forgotten the universe is abundant
sister halona said faith and fear... do you love him?
...i love him something awful...
jim carrey said faith and fear... we are the light that shines through
i know...jim carrey... it sounds ridiculous but if you have 26 min go here
you know that feeling when you wake up and for a split second all is good? then your brain starts and dammit if you're not down the rabbit hole before you even realize you have to pee. it's a horrible feeling.
yesterday i was done. on my way to work i felt desperate. and somehow i remembered maybe all i had to do was ask. throw it out there and be open for the results. so i did. i opened my mind and my heart as i made the right onto vassar road and asked the universe for peace. for relief. i even dared to ask for happiness. i asked without reservation or doubt or expectation. i asked with faith and in that moment the belief that the universe would come through
5 minutes later my request was forgotten because i was late for work and thinking about dinner and debt and having to do everything by myself which by the way is not true i have as much help as i'm willing to ask for
i struggled through my morning. frustrated, aggravated, impatient. i realized i'd forgotten my wallet at home and worried that i'd be cross eyed and hungry and cranky by the end of the day and end up going home and drinking beer to fill me up and shut me down
on my lunch break i remembered i had a container of trail mix in my desk. nuts cranberries chocolate chips quieted my stomach and tasted good. i started feeling better
my afternoon was crazy and intense. every patient was loaded and complicated but it was ok. in the periphery i noticed i wasn't so cranky or impatient. i thought it must be the chocolate chips.
at one point in the afternoon, i entered a room expecting the worst. lo and behold, this particular young lady smiled at me and said i'm good it's better i think its working. and her mother smiled at me and nodded. she's better i'm so relieved. i havent seen them smile in over a year. and damn did my heart explode and i was smiling too oh my gosh i LOVE that i'm SO happy you're feeling better you just made my day
we are the light that shines through
by the time i left the office, though it was almost 6 and i was going home to hungry demanding high maintenance final exam final projects regents AP test taking teenagers, i felt calm. not only did i feel calm, i felt good. better than i've felt in weeks.
i thought this is crazy. how could i feel so shitty for so long and then all of a sudden feel so much better? i cursed my ovaries. that left one is a fickle bitch. seismic hormonal shift was the only explanation for the mega-change in my mood
until i made the left off of vassar road. and remembered what i had asked the universe for at the same intersection that morning.
peace. relief. freedom from fear. and god forbid even happiness.
today i stumbled upon this. i read the foreword and now it's on my kindle
faith and fear
we are the light that shines through
The Universe Is Abundant
Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.