"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Hope in a pill

All right... I'm back... maybe... I think. Slogging through what feels like a forever three weeks of depression and anxiety so intolerable enough already and the decision to take a fucking pill how do people live like this for months or years? And the daily pill the color of 
a summer sky will hopefully 
twotothreeweekstwotothreeweekstwotothreeweeks lift the heaviness and calm the shaking hands and deepen the breath. Hopefully it will all stop. You know the feeling. Wanting to stay in bed and stare at the wall because you can't imagine getting through the day carrying this heaviness in your chest. Wanting to sleep because it's the only thing that brings relief.  Knowing that if you weren't a MOTHER that's exactly where you'd be... in bed, checked out.  But since you are a mother, you get up and get them fed and entertained and bathed maybe and keep some semblance of a clean house barely and you clench your jaw till your teeth and head ache and take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other and make it through TWO boy birthday parties in 6 days aloneonyourown and try to bring a day's worth of happiness to two beautiful boys who deserve SO MUCH BETTER than what they've received this year.  And you go to work because you have to and usually this place brings relief or at least a distraction. A place where personal worries can be left in the parking lot with the minivan and you can spend 12 hours focusing on other mamas and their children and maybe even be moved to smile at the goofy toddler or marvel at the 4 day old or feel thankful when you receive a look of gratitude from the worried mother of an ill child because even if you try to leave your own worries out with the minivan, today you're not able to leave the heaviness behind. You wear it like the clothes on your back for all to see Michelle you look so sad and you wait for the pills to kick in.


  1. Hang in there! It will get better. You will get through this.

    I take a pill the color of the summer sky and although it does not fix everything it does help me feel more like myself without the heaviness. I resisted taking it for so long and then when you do take it you still have to wait weeks for it to make you feel more like you.

    You are in my thoughts. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

  2. Michelle, It's not easy and I'm sorry you are going through this. I'm thinking of you today and hope that the light begins to shine...

  3. Oh, I take a white pill and I do not want to live without it.
    I have been worrying about you so, Michelle. Please e-mail me if you want to. I would love to "talk" to you. Hell, if you e-mail me, I'll send you my phone number.
    mmerluna at aol dot com
    I am thinking of you, I am hoping it doesn't take two or three weeks. Sometimes there is quicker relief.
    Loving you from afar....Ms. Moon

  4. i wondered where you were...

    i hope it helps you.

    a big hug.

  5. Mine is a salmon colored one and if I didn't have it, I would die. Period. There is no shame in this, my dear. And as my doctor and very very close friend said when she prescribed them for me, "why would you NOT take something? Why WOULD you try to tough it out on you own?" Be well; keep breathing, keep moving forward an inch at a time, and you will feel better. It isn't going to solve everything, but mine? They make me feel like I can at least function. I love you. And I don't say that lightly. you have my email; please use it if you need to, okay?

  6. **HUGS** and many prayers for you. I was thinking about you think week, when I was looking through my blogscroll...where's Michelle? You are missed and loved by so many that don't even "know" you. God Bless!

  7. Oh, baby, that's so hard. I missed you and was hoping you were gone for fun.

    And yes, we all go through it. You do whatever you have to do to make it through and should feel congratulated.

    Wish we lived nearer - I'd take the kids for the day and let you have a non-day recuperating.


  8. Im so sorry youre feeling the way you are. i shoulda been popping happy pills for the last 2 decades, but have not. im an idiot. I give you lots of credit. help is out there for our biochemistry... ya know? Whatever it takes to get through the day :). Its better than drinking, which is my choice of mood stabilizer. :)

  9. Hey you - hope you're feeling more green or yellow than blue now. Let's do something next week in a beautiful spot, lovely days for a hike coming up. And I have to see the kiddies .. now they're a year older. What the hell happened to the summer?

    Much love always -- I'll be calling, Anouk xxxxxx

  10. Just peeking thru some of Unkown Mami's friends, and I found your blog, and this post.

    "Hope you feel better Amiga".

    I understand your struggle, because I suffer from depression also.

    Sadly the answer was also in a pill, for me.
    But I can happily say that it has changed my life and my families life for the better.

    "They now have their Loca Mom back".

    *You and your family are in my prayers*

    ~Amor, Familia Y Cultura~


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.