Fuck You Friday: Summer Fail

I'm so fucking tired.

I have made an effort to curb the potty mouth this week.

I promised myself no more gratuitous *f bombs*.

I made a No More Cursing pact with the kids.

fucking epic fail

*****

Ty and Mia have spent the last 3 weeks at day camp. Which seems like it would be a good thing.

And it is a good thing. They love it. But I'm fucking exhausted. It's worse than school.

At least Sep-June I can write a monthly check and send them off to eat a lunch of government subsidized beefwheatandairy.

And I can shove them out the door and they'll be at school in 90 seconds.

Day camp? Not so much. I've had 15 days of rolling out of bed late, slapping together turkey n cheese sandwiches, a half hour drive to camp, and lots of cursing. Then a half hour drive back home. Which becomes an hour drive because for reasons I have yet to understand, July is

the perfect time to repave all the major roads between camp and home.

More cursing.

And then I have to pick them up. At rush hour. Mucho *f bombs*.

Mia busts me every time I let one loose.

Mia is at art camp. They do awesome projects and the counselors are great.

But this camp has a reputation. It's fancy.

Which means it attracts the kind of people I just want to punch in the head.

When Volvos and BMWs and Escalades are being all... entitled....

I wanna get my ghetto on and bring them down to my beat up minivan level.

But I can't. Because camp is around the corner from work.

And with my luck, I'll go ghetto on some lady at 4:30, and then see her kid for an earache a few hours later.

So I have to behave. And not curse in the parking lot.

It's not easy some days.

*****

And speaking of my beat up minivan...

As I've said before, I don't take care of my house or my car. I run both into the ground. Which is fine for a car, but not so good for a house.

Our house is relatively clean. Not eat off the floor clean, but pretty clean considering who lives here.

It's relatively clean mostly due to the most awesome cleaning lady and most awesome babysitter.

I just sweep a lot.

Our minivan is a pigsty. Mainly cause I won't pay anyone to clean it.

So today's game is Guess Which Item Is NOT In Michelle's Minivan.

The winner gets a big wet smooch.

1. A pink guitar

2. A plate of half eaten waffles.

3. A leopard print raincoat

4. A half drunk Dunkin Donuts iced mocha latte

5. A pair of funeral shoes

6. An empty pure maple syrup bottle shaped like a cello

7. A wad of gauze used after a tooth extraction

8. A dozen empty water/iced tea/soda bottles

9. A pair of snow boots.

10. A purple yoga mat

*****

Speaking of yoga, I haven't done it in a month. I started feeling really achey two weeks ago.

Now I'm just fucking insane in my head. A little anxiety. A little depression.

Nothing too serious, but just enough to be a goddam pain in my fucking ass.

I go through my day feeling like I've had too much coffee.

And, like I said yesterday, I'm having weird dreams.

This morning it occurred to me that at the same time last year, and the year before, I was mentally circling the drain as well.

Two Julys ago, it was a deep dark funk that swooped in and took me down quick.

But it was short lived and relieved by knitting.

Last July it started as anxiety and progressed to I wanna stay in bed depression that went on for a month and resolve after a few weeks of my little blue pill.

I thank my lucky stars for that damn pill, cuz otherwise I might be way in the depths right now.

And since I spend almost every waking minute analyzing the shit in my head, I thought

why now? Why this time of year? It's summer. It's hot. There's lots of light. WTF?

What's different?

I still ignore my kids. I still ignore my house and my car. I still take my pill. I still go to work.

The only thing different is no yoga.

no yoga

Could my July instability and superfunk be due to LACK OF YOGA?

seriously?

I mean jeez. I know what they say. But seriously?

Does yoga or lack thereof affect my mental health this significantly?

Does 2 classes a week keep my head screwed on straight?

You all are probably, like, duh Michelle. Ummm... hello?!?

Well. I'm a little slow sometimes.

It's back to yoga starting Saturday. I'll let you know next week if I'm better.

And let me know which item you think is NOT in my van.

dreamed? dreamt?

Do you know how many posts I've started in the past week?

A LOT.

But they all fizzle out before I can hit PUBLISH POST

Ah lah.

I finally got one going today that I actually thought I would finish, but half of it got lost in internet hyperspace and I can't quite get it together to rewrite it.

So here's the short version

I'm not sleeping well.

I'm having weird dreams.

My dreams are conjured by posts I read.

I dreamt of my mom.

She was young. And smiling. And her eyes sparkled.

The seeds of this dream were planted by Sister Adrienne here.

I think it's the first time I've ever dreamed of her.

Ever

A few nights later I dreamt I lived in a house like this.

Check it out here.

In the dream I was calm and light hearted

and woodland creatures scurried around my ankles

and bluebirds flew around my head.

Steph planted these seeds here and here and here.

And I dreamt of this lady

I think these seeds were sprinkled by this pict at Ms. Moon's house.

Today is Ms. Moon's birthday.

And Frida left this world 15 days before Ms. Moon entered it.

So.

If anyone would like to post about

him

or him

or him

be my guest

Happy Birthday Ms. Moon

Sunday Sermon: Circumcision

I know it's Monday, but this came up last night and, you know, it's summer and one day rolls in to the next.

And I needed a minute to think.

And I worked a 12 hour day.

So all in all, I feel a significant level of accomplishment getting this posted.

applause please

*****

So last night as I'm cleaning up after dinner, Jack and Ty come into the kitchen bickering.

T: There is so.
J: No there isn't.
T: Yes there is.
J: No there isn't. There's no such thing.
T: Yes there is. Ask mom. She told me so.
J: Mom, is there such a thing as female circumcision?

I've read a little here and there. The bulk of my knowledge comes from Possessing the Secret of Joy and random magazine articles. I remember once I was getting my hair done in a swanky Westport salon and the lady in the chair next to me was an artist. She cast sterling silver into flowy Georgia O'Keefy flower shaped mini sculptures to be worn on a cord around the neck. Though they looked like lillies, they actually represented female genitalia. All proceeds went to some organization in some African country that was working to change the cultural practice of female circumcision through education.

I remember back in nursing school there was a Somali mother and child who were both in the process of reconstructive surgery, having been recipients victims of female circumcision.

I also remember the sweating shaking resident sent into the newborn nursery to do his first circumcision. see one do one teach one. Poor thing. This nice Jewish boy who was so traumatized by having to perform a circumcision that he came out of the nursery, called his fiance, and swore they would never have their sons circumsized.

OK. Ty wants to know.

Do girls have foreskins?

My boys are not circumsized.

The thought of a piece of their newborn baby meat being cut off and thrown into the red hazardous waste bin was just not ok with me. Would I cut off one of their earlobes for no good reason?

No I would not.

We're talking about their penises, people.

OK. Back to vulvas.

Do you guys know what girl parts look like? Have you ever seen a picture or anything?
Well, Mom, Mia runs around naked all the time said by Ty with incredulous disgust and horror

Ok. Apparently my boys still have vigin eyes. I think. Maybe. Jack was pretty quiet though very attentive through the whole thing. hmmm...

I'd show you mine but I think that would be traumatizing

Ugh. Mom. I feel violated already

Sorry honey.

I thought about a google image search then decided that might be problematic...

So I drew them a picture. Stirrup view. Vaginal opening urethra peehole anus butthole clitoris the super sensitive part like the head of your penis labia minora labia majora.

What's that word Mom?

Labia honey. Its latin for lips.

Lips Mom? Lips? hee hee Seriously?

That's when Bruce walked in to the kitchen. He looked like a damn cartoon character. One foot through the doorway as I say clitoris. In a split second he's turned on his heels and high tailed it outta there.

chicken

I tried to explain in objective and only mildly judgemental way the why's of female circumcision. Not so easy to be nonjudgemental. Even the boys thought it was messed up once they wrapped their brains around it.

So they want sex to be painful so the women don't cheat?

Partly. It's partly just custom. Part of a girl growing up. Sometimes it's religious. It sounds weird, but its been done for so long in some places people don't think twice about it. But now people are being educated as to why it's a bad thing, and its happening less I think.

I hope.

That's screwed up mom.

People are screwed up, honey.

So Mom... do girls have a foreskin?

*****

To read more about female circumcision/female genital mutilation go here, here, and here.

Saturday scramble

Scrambled egg brain. Free range organic foraging flown the coop chicken shit crazy brain.

That's where I've been this week.

Mood up and down i guess that's to be expected

A little out of body-ish

oh well

this too shall pass

I do take some comfort in reading that NO ONE is able to keep up in blogland these days.

I thought it was just me.

I don't get to visit everyone in my reader.

My brain can't think straight enough to comment let alone post.

sigh

I've been trying for 2 weeks to grab a P.O.S. button, but I'm just too damn spazzy.

I was in a super-funk this week, so I decided to be productive. AKA throwing shit out. Dumping shit always makes me feel better. 7 bags of stuff we don't use went out with the trash. Clothes we don't wear. Kitchen crap cluttering the cabinets. I got the dogs nails clipped it's the little things. Cleaned out the mud room was more like a dirt room. The new window came. I went to Ty's cello camp concert and Mia's art camp exhibition.

I spent all week trying to catch my breath.

This morning I forced myself to finalize our plans for...

Riviera Maya

seriously. We're taking the 4 kids to Tulum. Yup. 4. You know how I am.

Purchasing the airline tickets and arranging a rental car just about drove me to pop a xanax.

But I prevailed. It took 3 hours, but I did it.

I usually don't have a problem with decision making. But I had 4 airports 16 airlines and too many other variables to consider. And fights to break up, pineapple to cut, and cello playing to applaud.

Through sweaty palms and pounding heart I pressed the purchase now button.

whew

I miss the days before Homeland Security and Orbitz. Back when I could walk in to an air conditioned office with my credit card and gaze at travel posters of Greece and Tahiti while a nice lady booked a flight for me and handed me a paper ticket complete with carbon.

Ah lah as Ms. Moon would say.

So the summer will end with a bang and a snorkel.

I can't wait.

Check out my sidebar. I got the button. No blogger summer school for me.

Bitch n moan it's too damn fuckin hot Thursday

This was gonna be a Fucking Friday Fragments post

but I don't want to blaspheme Mrs. 4444 with my *f bomb* rant.

It's just my mood.

And it's my blog.

So there.

I need a goddamn button

*****

I should not own a house. Period. Even if it's necessary to own it in order to paint it pink and purple

I don't take care of anything except my kids kind of and the kids at work totally

anyway... as I was saying...

I don't take care of my car or my house

so when things break I get aggravated because

a) I have to figure out how to fix it

2. I'm cheap

this week look at what fucking broke

ok. this didn't really break

but it was recalled

so fuck you Sears n Maytag

and fuck your faulty heating coil

that might burn down the pink and purple house

that I don't take care of

and this looks really pretty, right?

wrong

what the fuckin fuck?

I dunno, Pella

I guess that shatterproof window

is not so fucking shatter-proof after all

and

we have no fucking idea

how it happened

so fuck you

this is my basement

shameful

so our 112 year old sewer pipes got clogged

again

suck ass smell

again

I hate going down there

I get all freaked out and Blair witchy

so Mr LongSnakeMan says

last time I told you to replace this with PVC

obviously I didn't fucking listen

well fuck you old house with your old clogged pipes

you stink

*****

I did it.

I couldn't have done it without Yogini Shannon. Oh michelle, you have too

I couldn't have done it if I didn't totally love and appreciate my husband

he's so HOT when he gets home

I couldn't have done it without my little blue pill it alleviated my insane save the planet obsession

and there's no way in hell I could have done it without Jordana she's so fucking strong and man oh man can she wield a power drill

A C

air conditioners

for the first time ever, we have cool air in our bedrooms

What the fuckin fuck? Why didn't I do this years ago?

*****

Jack's been at sleep away camp this week.

Temporary asylum from a houseful of smelly pubescent boys who hide Victoria's Secret catalogues under the bed.

Just when I got all comfy with only little innocent ones around, Ty pops this question at bedtime

Mom, what's oral sex?

godfuckingdammit

See, the thing is, sex is so not on Ty's developmental radar

Where did you hear about oral sex, honey? Your friends? Jack? School? TV?

Mom... just tell me

So when I carefully explained oral sex, he just didn't get it

Jesus, the look of horror and disbelief on his face made me laugh out loud

Mom... why would anyone want to do that??? What if you get hair in your mouth???

oh. my. god.

I assured him that he never has to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable or gross.

I also assured him it's normal that he thinks it's gross. He's supposed to think it's gross right now.

But his feelings may change once he goes through puberty

He gave me a look like not a chance

Do you and Dad do that???

shoot me

God Mom! I'm NEVER using either of your toothbrushes AGAIN

all righty then

Is that all honey? Do you have any other questions?

Umm... Mom... what's warm lubricant? What makes it warm?

I am such a fucking asshole

I can't even blame this on the most awesome cleaning lady

Leaving it out in the open was all me ummm... us

I know y'all are probably questioning my parenting skills right about now.

It's ok. I question them every fucking day.

However.

You can ignore all my previous advice

but do not ignore warm lubricants

Fuck obstacles

Fuck moving through it

Fuck laughing instead of crying

It's all about warm lubricant ladies!

yours+mine KY

I'm not kidding

seriously

go now

the store's still open

get it

and use it

you won't be disappointed

have a goddam fucking good hot day

and night

and thank you for indulging my potty mouth