Bitch n moan it's too damn fuckin hot Thursday

This was gonna be a Fucking Friday Fragments post

but I don't want to blaspheme Mrs. 4444 with my *f bomb* rant.

It's just my mood.

And it's my blog.

So there.

I need a goddamn button

*****

I should not own a house. Period. Even if it's necessary to own it in order to paint it pink and purple

I don't take care of anything except my kids kind of and the kids at work totally

anyway... as I was saying...

I don't take care of my car or my house

so when things break I get aggravated because

a) I have to figure out how to fix it

2. I'm cheap

this week look at what fucking broke

ok. this didn't really break

but it was recalled

so fuck you Sears n Maytag

and fuck your faulty heating coil

that might burn down the pink and purple house

that I don't take care of

and this looks really pretty, right?

wrong

what the fuckin fuck?

I dunno, Pella

I guess that shatterproof window

is not so fucking shatter-proof after all

and

we have no fucking idea

how it happened

so fuck you

this is my basement

shameful

so our 112 year old sewer pipes got clogged

again

suck ass smell

again

I hate going down there

I get all freaked out and Blair witchy

so Mr LongSnakeMan says

last time I told you to replace this with PVC

obviously I didn't fucking listen

well fuck you old house with your old clogged pipes

you stink

*****

I did it.

I couldn't have done it without Yogini Shannon. Oh michelle, you have too

I couldn't have done it if I didn't totally love and appreciate my husband

he's so HOT when he gets home

I couldn't have done it without my little blue pill it alleviated my insane save the planet obsession

and there's no way in hell I could have done it without Jordana she's so fucking strong and man oh man can she wield a power drill

A C

air conditioners

for the first time ever, we have cool air in our bedrooms

What the fuckin fuck? Why didn't I do this years ago?

*****

Jack's been at sleep away camp this week.

Temporary asylum from a houseful of smelly pubescent boys who hide Victoria's Secret catalogues under the bed.

Just when I got all comfy with only little innocent ones around, Ty pops this question at bedtime

Mom, what's oral sex?

godfuckingdammit

See, the thing is, sex is so not on Ty's developmental radar

Where did you hear about oral sex, honey? Your friends? Jack? School? TV?

Mom... just tell me

So when I carefully explained oral sex, he just didn't get it

Jesus, the look of horror and disbelief on his face made me laugh out loud

Mom... why would anyone want to do that??? What if you get hair in your mouth???

oh. my. god.

I assured him that he never has to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable or gross.

I also assured him it's normal that he thinks it's gross. He's supposed to think it's gross right now.

But his feelings may change once he goes through puberty

He gave me a look like not a chance

Do you and Dad do that???

shoot me

God Mom! I'm NEVER using either of your toothbrushes AGAIN

all righty then

Is that all honey? Do you have any other questions?

Umm... Mom... what's warm lubricant? What makes it warm?

I am such a fucking asshole

I can't even blame this on the most awesome cleaning lady

Leaving it out in the open was all me ummm... us

I know y'all are probably questioning my parenting skills right about now.

It's ok. I question them every fucking day.

However.

You can ignore all my previous advice

but do not ignore warm lubricants

Fuck obstacles

Fuck moving through it

Fuck laughing instead of crying

It's all about warm lubricant ladies!

yours+mine KY

I'm not kidding

seriously

go now

the store's still open

get it

and use it

you won't be disappointed

have a goddam fucking good hot day

and night

and thank you for indulging my potty mouth