"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bitch n moan it's too damn fuckin hot Thursday


This was gonna be a Fucking Friday Fragments post
but I don't want to blaspheme Mrs. 4444 with my *f bomb* rant.

It's just my mood.

And it's my blog.

So there.

I need a goddamn button


*****

I should not own a house. Period. Even if it's necessary to own it in order to paint it pink and purple
I don't take care of anything except my kids kind of and the kids at work totally

anyway... as I was saying...
I don't take care of my car or my house

so when things break I get aggravated because

a) I have to figure out how to fix it
2. I'm cheap


this week look at what fucking broke


ok. this didn't really break
but it was recalled
so fuck you Sears n Maytag
and fuck your faulty heating coil
that might burn down the pink and purple house
that I don't take care of


and this looks really pretty, right?
wrong
what the fuckin fuck?
I dunno, Pella
I guess that shatterproof window
is not so fucking shatter-proof after all
and
we have no fucking idea
how it happened
so fuck you

this is my basement
shameful
so our 112 year old sewer pipes got clogged
again
suck ass smell
again
I hate going down there
I get all freaked out and Blair witchy


so Mr LongSnakeMan says
last time I told you to replace this with PVC
obviously I didn't fucking listen

well fuck you old house with your old clogged pipes
you stink

*****

I did it.
I couldn't have done it without Yogini Shannon. Oh michelle, you have too
I couldn't have done it if I didn't totally love and appreciate my husband
he's so HOT when he gets home
I couldn't have done it without my little blue pill it alleviated my insane save the planet obsession
and there's no way in hell I could have done it without Jordana she's so fucking strong and man oh man can she wield a power drill

A C
air conditioners
for the first time ever, we have cool air in our bedrooms
What the fuckin fuck? Why didn't I do this years ago?

*****

Jack's been at sleep away camp this week.
Temporary asylum from a houseful of smelly pubescent boys who hide Victoria's Secret catalogues under the bed.
Just when I got all comfy with only little innocent ones around, Ty pops this question at bedtime
Mom, what's oral sex?
godfuckingdammit
See, the thing is, sex is so not on Ty's developmental radar
Where did you hear about oral sex, honey? Your friends? Jack? School? TV?
Mom... just tell me
So when I carefully explained oral sex, he just didn't get it
Jesus, the look of horror and disbelief on his face made me laugh out loud
Mom... why would anyone want to do that??? What if you get hair in your mouth???
oh. my. god.
I assured him that he never has to do anything that makes him feel uncomfortable or gross.
I also assured him it's normal that he thinks it's gross. He's supposed to think it's gross right now.
But his feelings may change once he goes through puberty
He gave me a look like not a chance
Do you and Dad do that???
shoot me
God Mom! I'm NEVER using either of your toothbrushes AGAIN

all righty then

Is that all honey? Do you have any other questions?
Umm... Mom... what's warm lubricant? What makes it warm?

I am such a fucking asshole
I can't even blame this on the most awesome cleaning lady
Leaving it out in the open was all me ummm... us


I know y'all are probably questioning my parenting skills right about now.
It's ok. I question them every fucking day.
However.
You can ignore all my previous advice
but do not ignore warm lubricants
Fuck obstacles
Fuck moving through it
Fuck laughing instead of crying
It's all about warm lubricant ladies!

yours+mine KY
I'm not kidding
seriously
go now
the store's still open
get it
and use it
you won't be disappointed


have a goddam fucking good hot day
and night

and thank you for indulging my potty mouth




21 comments:

  1. Yay air conditioning! Glad you took the plunge, it really does make all the difference on these hot as fuck nights! Especially when your dishwasher and basement aren't cooperating and your kid needs to know about oral sex. (Hilarious.)

    (This is Virginia from yoga, by the way. I found your blog through Shan, I think!)

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  2. Hair? Ohmygod that's funny.

    Off to CVS for "marriage counseling."

    Oh, Michelle, you make me laugh.

    And yes, homeownership sucks.

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  3. I fucking LOVE you, Michelle. I honestly do.

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  4. OMG! I'm sorry but I'm gonna be honest...you totally made me feel better. I had a rough week as well.

    I hope this rant and f-bomb delight made you feel at least a little bit better.

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  5. Ms. Moon took my comment - I fucking love you, Michelle.

    We got that yours/mine stuff and it was a bit too much. Did not like. Maybe we were doing it wrong, ha.

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  6. I feel so much better now -- about literally everything.

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  7. Great great stuff.

    I too own a house and do not take care of it. We had a leak from the bathroom into the kitchen and took months to fix it. Because no one cared enough.

    And I think while it may traumatise kids a little to see evidence of their parents having sex, it's better than never seeing any and thinking they DON'T have sex. Because that would be sad. They'll live. And know that even old people do it. (Even MY parents. EWWW.)

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  8. That was a fucking great and obviously well-deserved rant. And kudos to you for not lying to your son. He may be grossed out but he'll keep coming to you, and better that than being misinformed by his friends.

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  9. i am peeing my pants right now!! so funny!! i love ty's reaction... priceless!!

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  10. I love you (and Ty). You are one of my best friends I don't know. Laugh.

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  11. I'm probably the only adult who is actually put off by oral.........I just can't phathom putting something in my mouth that pee comes out of......But that's just me....

    And I couldn't imagine ever kissing anyone who puts their mouth so close to something that poo comes out of......

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  12. I didn't realize how bad I needed that laugh!

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  13. heeheeeheeeheeehee.
    air conditioning.YES.(leave the planet saving for people who go to yoga and hold forearm stand too long :)
    and right now...rain.aaaaahhhhh sweet, beautiful rain.
    Have fun at Joe's class with Mia.

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  14. This fucking made my day.

    Too much fucking goodness to choose one thing to comment on...

    Plus...

    I've now got oral sex and warm lubricant on the brain...

    Off to the store!

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  15. I was wondering about that product. A commercial for it came on TV the other night with all 3 boys sitting there. Oldest and I both yelled, "Change the channel!!!"

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  16. LOL! I can't believe you defined oral sex for him! OMG! I would tell my son it was a type of disease that came from using someone else's toothbrush.

    We have the KY. I'm too effin' lazy to use it. I'm all about the quickie. I've got clothes to wash, blogs to read, and TV to watch.

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  17. Fucking awesome! I love that you answered all his questions. And honestly. I'm always afraid to use those gels for fear of a natsy yeast infection...no?

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  18. I think the post had a happy ending and I like happy endings.

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  19. I'm sorry, but this was f-ing funny!! (Thanks for your good judgement--I love you even more for that :)

    The oral sex? The "personal lubricant"? I've been there, and it was just as much fun. I just hope personal lubricant is all they ever find...just sayin'.

    Does it help at all to say that that window shot is beautiful? Bastards!

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  20. Oh LOL, you're the best mom ever.
    I was wondering what's up with that stuff.
    Not that I have any "yours" right now to use it with. But thanks for the review. Though I hate the damn commercials.
    Yours would be a better commercial.
    You are so funny and clever.
    And man, I'm sorry about all the house problems. Damn.
    But yay about the AC!!!!

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  21. You had me dying! I think I am in love!! You are the best and Ty is pretty stinking funny too! I hope you have a great week this week. ;-)

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.