Sunday Addendums and Offerings

Addendum to my last post.

go here and give my baby some bloggy love

xoxoxo

She Can Do Anything

Mia is having such a hard time right now.
I think maybe this is the hardest it's ever been for her.
She's scared all the time.
She says no one understands.
She begs me to get her out of the house please mommy please it's not safe.
She wants to shrivel up in a corner and die
please mommy please

She's shutting down at school.

So three therapists one developmental pediatrician and one psych nurse practitioner later,

I've found an awesome child psychiatrist who is a mix of Mr Rogers and Pete Seeger

but Jewish.

I actually think he knows what he's doing.

I actually trust him.

And I don't trust anyone when it comes to kids and mental health cause after 14 years in pediatrics I've realized that

no one knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to brain chemistry.

Especially with kids.

Figuring out the right diagnosis and the right med is like a goddam game of Pin the Tail On the Donkey

Anyhoo

Dr Rogers/Seeger is brilliant enough and experienced enough to spend 2 hours with us and come to the conclusion

that he's not at all sure what's going on with Mia.
ADHD?
PTSD?
Anxiety?
Depression?
All of the above?
Between what she's experienced and her genetic make-up who the fuck knows what's what.

i declined to include my suspicion that she's carrying so much shit from past lives that her now-mind doesn't know which end is up

So until therapy shines some light, we can keep her chill with clonazepam.

Which is like a long acting xanax.

That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

Jaysus she's having panic attacks.

She's 8. How much does this suck?

So I give her a pill which seems to just take the edge off.

And I think there's gotta be a better way.

She feels afraid.
She feels powerless.
She feels weak.
She feels like she has no control.

i can't calm down mommy i can't i can't get me out of here please mommy get me out of here please

How do you feel protected in the face of the unpredictable?

How do you feel safe when your foundation has crumbled?

And how do you do it when you're a little girl 5 weeks away from your 9th birthday?

ganesh help me

It doesn't matter what I say to her.

You know there's no rationalizing yourself off the panic ledge.

You can't talk yourself down and neither can anyone else.

I can't talk Mia down. i can't help her

i can't fucking see

until I re-hear the words of some power filled women

the strength comes from down deep

hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep let the energy out

Yogini Shannon

i can't see an answer

help me see an answer

goddammit ganesh help me

illumination

power

I chopped down a tree this summer and I felt INVINCIBLE 
See Kate run

I had my own hatchet growing up...It helps if you drag the downed tree through the woods for a while...

All This Trouble

Mommy that was awesome I feel so strong I feel like I can do anything

Fierce Woman Warriors

Mia? Remember how you felt after we chopped down that tree?

Ye..ah..???

What if we go to Home Depot and buy you a hatchet and then we go into the woods and you can chop down a tree?
Oh.My.God.

The light that filled her eyes filled mine with tears.

She chose her hatchet.

We went into the woods and found a tree that was already down.

She balanced over a creek on a muddy hillside.

Dusty stood guard and whined when deer came too close.

I stood back.

And she chopped.

Hold the handle at the end honey. Two hands.

And she chopped.

That works better mommy.

And she chopped.

From here honey

I put 3 fingers in a vertical line thru her belly button

Swing

Chop

amazement

She looked at her hatchet and kissed it's flat side

This is your place the strength comes from down deep. Let the extra energy out

And dammit if she didn't chop the fukin shit outta that felled tree.

Then she scaled the muddy hill and disappeared into the woods for a minute.

And came back with the marks of a warrior.

She picked up her trophy and her hatchet and we headed home.

You are so fukin strong baby girl. You can do anything

I can do anything mommy

Thank you, all you Fierce Warrior Women, who share your strength and shine your light.

The Universe is Abundant

If I didn't laugh I'd cry. OK maybe I cried anyway

So today started as a perfectly lovely day.

There was no 2 hour delay despite the goddam fuckin forecast

uh oh michelle's cursing...

kids go to school=mommy goes to yoga

Yogini Shannon focused on the 3rd chakra and the core

i hate core work

She kept saying hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep let the extra energy out

After yoga I was off to therapy mostly so when people say oooh that must be so hard are you talking to anyone about it?

I can say yes instead of punching them in the head.

lalalalalalala everything's good everything's fine i feel so free lalalalalalala

then Lunch With The Ladies

lalalalala

and

BANG

The Unbloggable rears its Ugly Head

and I get so. fucking. pissed. off.

you know how they say you see red?

I saw red

When Michelle sees red Michelle does not play

Michelle holds her space holds her place digs way down deep

and then

when Michelle gets done not playing

she sobs

and sweeps

and sobs

and sweeps

and sobs

and dust busts

and sobs

and the sweeping and dust busting is a lot like shoveling snow

illumination

Michelle only gets angry when Michelle feels afraid

fear morphs into anger and anger helps Michelle take care of business

in an oh she is not playing kind of way

hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep

this 3rd person thing is a little psychotic, no?

Well. It takes a lot to dispel all that extra energy masquerading as anger

So.

What else am I angry about?

Snow

Ice

The snow and ice on the porch roof that is now caving in and leaking.

The possibility that the porch roof will come crashing down on one of the kids.

Or the babysitter.

Or the babysitter's kid.

goddam fukin snow on goddam fukin porch roof

For 2 days I've looked at the snow and ice piled up on the porch roof up to the dormers.

I've thought about who I could call to get the fucking snow off the fucking roof before the fucking thing falls down and squashes someone like a fucking bug

those cracks were not there a week ago

and you can't even see how

the fukin thing is bowing and rippling

FUCK IT

Last time I was really angry Mia and I chopped down a tree

mommy i feel so strong that was so awesome i feel like i can do anything

you can baby girl you can do anything

Jordana moves big rocks around when she's pissed

She's also been known to weed wack my entire backyard

I've heard that knocking down walls with a sledge hammer works too

I have no rocks, no sledge hammers, no walls to come down

at least not the plaster and sheetrock kind

So god fukin dammit I'm gonna get that fuckin frozen snow off the roof

goddammit

And I get even more pissed because today started off a balmy 34 degrees

but while I was not playing with The Unbloggable

a fuckin artic wind came in and fuckin froze everything that was maybe a little bit melted and a little bit shovel-able

ok

so

we have no tools

we have one shovel

we have one tiny dormer window in the bathroom that looks out at the snow n ice covered porch roof

I tried poking the snow with a broom handle but that shit would just did not budge

what do we have?

I was gonna use the butt of Jack's old Red Rider rifle but thought the neighbors might misinterpret things and call the police

I trekked across the fucking ice n snow covered backyard to get to the garage to search for tools

There was too much ice n snow to open the garage door but not enough ice to keep my ever expanding ass from breaking through and ending up fat ass knee deep in snow.

Despite my favorite Sorel Joan of Arc boots.

fuck me

what do we have?

what do we have?

what do we have?

fuckin A the only thing we have are kitchen utensils

CHEF TOOLS

big pizza spatula thingy

chicken breast or veal fillet pounder thingy

something else sharp

diamond dust covered knife sharpener thingy

goddam if that fillet pounder thingy didn't smash up that icy snow

it's a bit like a sledge hammer

And the pizza spatula thingy? a bit like an ax

Perfect for slicing and dicing right through the ice and it worked great as a shovel

Cleared that fuckin ice n snow right off that fukin roof

I'm sure I looked like a lunatic

I stood on the toilet and hung out that damn bathroom window by my hips

My big fat ass held me tight and steady

I tucked my damn core up and in and held on

And I chopped and fillet-d that fuckin snow right the fuck away

The whole thing left me sweating and beggin for more

Just like when Mia and I chopped down the tree

mommy what else can we chop down?

I feel better now.

I let the extra energy out and I am holding my place.

And now I can have a reasonable conversation.

So.

Now I'm gonna go drink some wine and make some banana bread.

And have a conversation.

Amen

Another snow day shoveling shit

is it me or does blogger look different?

it's feb.1.

i do not like this

Yet another Snow Day here in the Hudson Valley.

Looks like tomorrow we're having an ice storm.

I'm sure it will be real pretty but at this point fuck pretty this shit needs to melt.

We started out with 4 shovels. We're down to 1.

They break.

They get stolen off the porch.

They get divided up like furniture and photographs.

And like new snow boots and cat food I wait till the very last minute meaning in the midst of a snow and ice storm to say

hmmm... maybe I should go buy another shovel and some ice melter?

So I said it. But didn't do it.

We still only have one shovel.

So I'm the ONE shoveling.

Which isn't so bad since yoga keeps getting cancelled due to the damn snow and I have to get some kind of exercise.

Right?

Shoveling snow is extraordinarily meditative.

Alone. Quiet.

Shove. Lift. Toss.

Shove. Lift. Toss.

Mindless repetitive cold hot heavy hard sweaty on and on

and suddenly BANG!

illumination

clarity

the unbloggable becomes more clear in a

what the fuck? holy fucking shit!

kind of way

turns out all this snow and the subsequent shoveling of said snow has its upside.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

I've had enough clarity and illumination and snow for one day week month year.

I'm goin back to Mexico.

our view from the hammocks

yum... flan

tie dye mama

sun n sand boy in a hammock

the handsome one taking a siesta

trading the pink and purple house in the snow

for the pink and purple house in the sun

my south of the border yellow brick road

Casa Nah Alux

Riviera Maya

our fairy tale houses

the view in Tulum

...sigh...

happy snow days