"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Friday, February 18, 2011

She Can Do Anything


Mia is having such a hard time right now.
I think maybe this is the hardest it's ever been for her.
She's scared all the time.
She says no one understands.
She begs me to get her out of the house please mommy please it's not safe.
She wants to shrivel up in a corner and die
please mommy please

She's shutting down at school.

So three therapists one developmental pediatrician and one psych nurse practitioner later,
I've found an awesome child psychiatrist who is a mix of Mr Rogers and Pete Seeger
but Jewish.
I actually think he knows what he's doing.
I actually trust him.
And I don't trust anyone when it comes to kids and mental health cause after 14 years in pediatrics I've realized that
no one knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to brain chemistry.
Especially with kids.
Figuring out the right diagnosis and the right med is like a goddam game of Pin the Tail On the Donkey

Anyhoo

Dr Rogers/Seeger is brilliant enough and experienced enough to spend 2 hours with us and come to the conclusion
that he's not at all sure what's going on with Mia.
ADHD?
PTSD?
Anxiety?
Depression?
All of the above?
Between what she's experienced and her genetic make-up who the fuck knows what's what.
i declined to include my suspicion that she's carrying so much shit from past lives that her now-mind doesn't know which end is up

So until therapy shines some light, we can keep her chill with clonazepam.
Which is like a long acting xanax.
That's a hard pill for me to swallow.
Jaysus she's having panic attacks.

She's 8. How much does this suck?

So I give her a pill which seems to just take the edge off.
And I think there's gotta be a better way.

She feels afraid.
She feels powerless.
She feels weak.
She feels like she has no control.
i can't calm down mommy i can't i can't get me out of here please mommy get me out of here please

How do you feel protected in the face of the unpredictable?
How do you feel safe when your foundation has crumbled?
And how do you do it when you're a little girl 5 weeks away from your 9th birthday?

ganesh help me

It doesn't matter what I say to her.
You know there's no rationalizing yourself off the panic ledge.
You can't talk yourself down and neither can anyone else.
I can't talk Mia down. i can't help her

i can't fucking see

until I re-hear the words of some power filled women

the strength comes from down deep
Yogini Shannon

i can't see an answer
help me see an answer
goddammit ganesh help me

All This Trouble

Mommy that was awesome I feel so strong I feel like I can do anything

Fierce Woman Warriors

Mia? Remember how you felt after we chopped down that tree?

Ye..ah..???

What if we go to Home Depot and buy you a hatchet and then we go into the woods and you can chop down a tree?
Oh.My.God.

The light that filled her eyes filled mine with tears.


She chose her hatchet.



We went into the woods and found a tree that was already down.



She balanced over a creek on a muddy hillside.

Dusty stood guard and whined when deer came too close.

I stood back.

And she chopped.
Hold the handle at the end honey. Two hands.

And she chopped.

That works better mommy.
And she chopped.
From here honey
I put 3 fingers in a vertical line thru her belly button

Swing

Chop
amazement
She looked at her hatchet and kissed it's flat side



This is your place the strength comes from down deep. Let the extra energy out


And dammit if she didn't chop the fukin shit outta that felled tree.

Then she scaled the muddy hill and disappeared into the woods for a minute.




And came back with the marks of a warrior.


She picked up her trophy and her hatchet and we headed home.





You are so fukin strong baby girl. You can do anything

I can do anything mommy

Thank you, all you Fierce Warrior Women, who share your strength and shine your light.

The Universe is Abundant

24 comments:

  1. Oh my fucking god, Michelle. I want to hold you both in my arms and rock you and croon songs that are born in my womb/heart/bones until we all fall asleep.

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  2. Incredible. You are amazing and so is Mia. I am so sorry that you're having to deal with all of this, too. It freaks me out about the clonazepam -- Klonopin -- I'm all too familiar with that stuff because Sophie was on it. Entirely different reason but that's one evil drug. I wish Mia safety as she chops her way through this -- I wish you courage and strength -- and the memory of how much you have of both of those.

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  3. Ditto Ms. Moon!

    Michelle, I'm so glad you're Mia's mom. And that you're willing to do whatever it takes to help her. I can't imagine how heavy life feels for her every day. She's so blessed you're her mother.

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  5. Oh, your poor baby! It's already hard enough being a tween. I can't imagine having so much chaos on top of it. I sure hope you and Mr. Rogers can help her get passed all this. You are a great mother.

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  6. Klonipin had no effect on my child's panic attacks. Nothing really does.

    "i declined to include my suspicion that she's carrying so much shit from past lives that her now-mind doesn't know which end is up"

    Again, you are my sister in so many ways. Wish we could sit and chat a long while.

    Also, your intervention is kick-ass awesome. xoxoxoxo

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  7. Damn. I am in pieces from reading this. You are amazing. You are doing everything you can and then some. Who the heck knows about this brain chemistry stuff, which is infinitely complicated. I know I'd try any pill to get my baby off the ledge, to calm her down so she can feel safe and strong and loved again. I'll be thinking of you and Mia and your boys, hoping things get easier, hoping the Doc can shine some light, hoping the cloud lifts, hoping you can relax again. Hugs and more hugs.

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  8. I cried when I read this. Mama she will be okay. Just like you. So fierce and strong. No answers, just faith and love and the knowledge that it is all there in us. I love you, warrior woman!

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  9. Very good work, honey!

    Meditation seems to help for me in general. My 7 & 8 yr olds like to try it, too.

    Also, visualization of a stop sign when I start to spiral. Maybe these two tips won't help entirely, but they might be a start.

    At least she is communicating with you her fears. Some folks grow up with these pains and never express them and therefore never feel like they have a team to come back to. Her pain sucks, but thankfully she has YOU.

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  10. tears. what a mother you are. if mia has chosen to deal with heavy past life shit this time around, then she knew what she was doing when she chose you as her mom. you and mia in the woods gave me chills, the good kind. the kind that come from witnessing the warrior's truth. love to you, dear michelle. all of you.

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  11. I think I can speak for us all when I say: We are proud to have you as our friend and our sister. We are certain that Mia was called from the universe to be your daughter, as you were called to be her mother. Speaking for myself, I am at once fiercely proud of you, and humbled in the face of your strength and your own humility. And I love you.

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  12. I agree with what the ladies above me have already said. Thinking of you and your daughter and wishing you all the best.

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  13. I think you're doing exactly the right things for your precious little girl; sending positive vibes your way. ;-)

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  14. Oh Gosh, this gave me crazy goose bumps and made me cry. You are amazing and strong and she is too. I hurt for both of you. I can't even imagine feeling that way at such a young age. I can't handle it now and I am an adult. So so glad for the new guys. It's amazing what a skilled and committed therapist can do. Hang on, keep chopping (I have to say I was happy the tree was already down, but even if it wasn't, the tree would've understood I think).

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  15. Holy fuck woman. I fucking loved this.

    You know you guys are gonna be just fine. I know you know it.

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  16. That is the best way I have ever heard someone love a child.

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  17. This brought tears to my eyes; may I be even one quarter the mother you are.

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  18. I am holding you and Mia in prayer and my heart. I know how hard this is, having Lola go through panic after Ever was born was so painful, so awful for me. You are a wonderful, loving and supportive mother. Just keep telling her ' we will find the answer. if x isn't it, mommy will look for another answer. ' Keep telling yourself. xo

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  19. Man, what a great idea with the tree and the hatchet, Michelle. I had panic attacks in high school, and I was definitely a depressed child. I hold great hope for Mia, especially with a mother like you.

    Love you.

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  20. Dear God, woman.

    I'm in tears. And I don't cry at every little thing that I read.

    This is fucking beautiful. Light comes from this darkness and struggle. And sometimes, you've just gotta hack at a tree. Sometimes you have to hurt to stop hurting.

    I love you.

    Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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  21. That was lovely. Blessings to you all.

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  22. Michelle, I'm so sorry you've been going through this. How empowering, though; to be able to give Mia the tools she needs. Hang in there...

    Do you mind if I link this up tonight? It's really a great idea for a healthy way to deal with stress of any kind (provided you live in the woods, haha).

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.