She Can Do Anything

Mia is having such a hard time right now.
I think maybe this is the hardest it's ever been for her.
She's scared all the time.
She says no one understands.
She begs me to get her out of the house please mommy please it's not safe.
She wants to shrivel up in a corner and die
please mommy please

She's shutting down at school.

So three therapists one developmental pediatrician and one psych nurse practitioner later,

I've found an awesome child psychiatrist who is a mix of Mr Rogers and Pete Seeger

but Jewish.

I actually think he knows what he's doing.

I actually trust him.

And I don't trust anyone when it comes to kids and mental health cause after 14 years in pediatrics I've realized that

no one knows what the fuck they're doing when it comes to brain chemistry.

Especially with kids.

Figuring out the right diagnosis and the right med is like a goddam game of Pin the Tail On the Donkey

Anyhoo

Dr Rogers/Seeger is brilliant enough and experienced enough to spend 2 hours with us and come to the conclusion

that he's not at all sure what's going on with Mia.
ADHD?
PTSD?
Anxiety?
Depression?
All of the above?
Between what she's experienced and her genetic make-up who the fuck knows what's what.

i declined to include my suspicion that she's carrying so much shit from past lives that her now-mind doesn't know which end is up

So until therapy shines some light, we can keep her chill with clonazepam.

Which is like a long acting xanax.

That's a hard pill for me to swallow.

Jaysus she's having panic attacks.

She's 8. How much does this suck?

So I give her a pill which seems to just take the edge off.

And I think there's gotta be a better way.

She feels afraid.
She feels powerless.
She feels weak.
She feels like she has no control.

i can't calm down mommy i can't i can't get me out of here please mommy get me out of here please

How do you feel protected in the face of the unpredictable?

How do you feel safe when your foundation has crumbled?

And how do you do it when you're a little girl 5 weeks away from your 9th birthday?

ganesh help me

It doesn't matter what I say to her.

You know there's no rationalizing yourself off the panic ledge.

You can't talk yourself down and neither can anyone else.

I can't talk Mia down. i can't help her

i can't fucking see

until I re-hear the words of some power filled women

the strength comes from down deep

hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep let the energy out

Yogini Shannon

i can't see an answer

help me see an answer

goddammit ganesh help me

illumination

power

I chopped down a tree this summer and I felt INVINCIBLE 
See Kate run

I had my own hatchet growing up...It helps if you drag the downed tree through the woods for a while...

All This Trouble

Mommy that was awesome I feel so strong I feel like I can do anything

Fierce Woman Warriors

Mia? Remember how you felt after we chopped down that tree?

Ye..ah..???

What if we go to Home Depot and buy you a hatchet and then we go into the woods and you can chop down a tree?
Oh.My.God.

The light that filled her eyes filled mine with tears.

She chose her hatchet.

We went into the woods and found a tree that was already down.

She balanced over a creek on a muddy hillside.

Dusty stood guard and whined when deer came too close.

I stood back.

And she chopped.

Hold the handle at the end honey. Two hands.

And she chopped.

That works better mommy.

And she chopped.

From here honey

I put 3 fingers in a vertical line thru her belly button

Swing

Chop

amazement

She looked at her hatchet and kissed it's flat side

This is your place the strength comes from down deep. Let the extra energy out

And dammit if she didn't chop the fukin shit outta that felled tree.

Then she scaled the muddy hill and disappeared into the woods for a minute.

And came back with the marks of a warrior.

She picked up her trophy and her hatchet and we headed home.

You are so fukin strong baby girl. You can do anything

I can do anything mommy

Thank you, all you Fierce Warrior Women, who share your strength and shine your light.

The Universe is Abundant