If I didn't laugh I'd cry. OK maybe I cried anyway

So today started as a perfectly lovely day.

There was no 2 hour delay despite the goddam fuckin forecast

uh oh michelle's cursing...

kids go to school=mommy goes to yoga

Yogini Shannon focused on the 3rd chakra and the core

i hate core work

She kept saying hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep let the extra energy out

After yoga I was off to therapy mostly so when people say oooh that must be so hard are you talking to anyone about it?

I can say yes instead of punching them in the head.

lalalalalalala everything's good everything's fine i feel so free lalalalalalala

then Lunch With The Ladies

lalalalala

and

BANG

The Unbloggable rears its Ugly Head

and I get so. fucking. pissed. off.

you know how they say you see red?

I saw red

When Michelle sees red Michelle does not play

Michelle holds her space holds her place digs way down deep

and then

when Michelle gets done not playing

she sobs

and sweeps

and sobs

and sweeps

and sobs

and dust busts

and sobs

and the sweeping and dust busting is a lot like shoveling snow

illumination

Michelle only gets angry when Michelle feels afraid

fear morphs into anger and anger helps Michelle take care of business

in an oh she is not playing kind of way

hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep

this 3rd person thing is a little psychotic, no?

Well. It takes a lot to dispel all that extra energy masquerading as anger

So.

What else am I angry about?

Snow

Ice

The snow and ice on the porch roof that is now caving in and leaking.

The possibility that the porch roof will come crashing down on one of the kids.

Or the babysitter.

Or the babysitter's kid.

goddam fukin snow on goddam fukin porch roof

For 2 days I've looked at the snow and ice piled up on the porch roof up to the dormers.

I've thought about who I could call to get the fucking snow off the fucking roof before the fucking thing falls down and squashes someone like a fucking bug

those cracks were not there a week ago

and you can't even see how

the fukin thing is bowing and rippling

FUCK IT

Last time I was really angry Mia and I chopped down a tree

mommy i feel so strong that was so awesome i feel like i can do anything

you can baby girl you can do anything

Jordana moves big rocks around when she's pissed

She's also been known to weed wack my entire backyard

I've heard that knocking down walls with a sledge hammer works too

I have no rocks, no sledge hammers, no walls to come down

at least not the plaster and sheetrock kind

So god fukin dammit I'm gonna get that fuckin frozen snow off the roof

goddammit

And I get even more pissed because today started off a balmy 34 degrees

but while I was not playing with The Unbloggable

a fuckin artic wind came in and fuckin froze everything that was maybe a little bit melted and a little bit shovel-able

ok

so

we have no tools

we have one shovel

we have one tiny dormer window in the bathroom that looks out at the snow n ice covered porch roof

I tried poking the snow with a broom handle but that shit would just did not budge

what do we have?

I was gonna use the butt of Jack's old Red Rider rifle but thought the neighbors might misinterpret things and call the police

I trekked across the fucking ice n snow covered backyard to get to the garage to search for tools

There was too much ice n snow to open the garage door but not enough ice to keep my ever expanding ass from breaking through and ending up fat ass knee deep in snow.

Despite my favorite Sorel Joan of Arc boots.

fuck me

what do we have?

what do we have?

what do we have?

fuckin A the only thing we have are kitchen utensils

CHEF TOOLS

big pizza spatula thingy

chicken breast or veal fillet pounder thingy

something else sharp

diamond dust covered knife sharpener thingy

goddam if that fillet pounder thingy didn't smash up that icy snow

it's a bit like a sledge hammer

And the pizza spatula thingy? a bit like an ax

Perfect for slicing and dicing right through the ice and it worked great as a shovel

Cleared that fuckin ice n snow right off that fukin roof

I'm sure I looked like a lunatic

I stood on the toilet and hung out that damn bathroom window by my hips

My big fat ass held me tight and steady

I tucked my damn core up and in and held on

And I chopped and fillet-d that fuckin snow right the fuck away

The whole thing left me sweating and beggin for more

Just like when Mia and I chopped down the tree

mommy what else can we chop down?

I feel better now.

I let the extra energy out and I am holding my place.

And now I can have a reasonable conversation.

So.

Now I'm gonna go drink some wine and make some banana bread.

And have a conversation.

Amen