"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

If I didn't laugh I'd cry. OK maybe I cried anyway


So today started as a perfectly lovely day.

There was no 2 hour delay despite the goddam fuckin forecast
uh oh michelle's cursing...

kids go to school=mommy goes to yoga

Yogini Shannon focused on the 3rd chakra and the core
i hate core work

She kept saying hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep let the extra energy out

After yoga I was off to therapy mostly so when people say oooh that must be so hard are you talking to anyone about it?
I can say yes instead of punching them in the head.

lalalalalalala everything's good everything's fine i feel so free lalalalalalala

then Lunch With The Ladies
lalalalala
and
BANG
The Unbloggable rears its Ugly Head
and I get so. fucking. pissed. off.

you know how they say you see red?
I saw red

When Michelle sees red Michelle does not play
Michelle holds her space holds her place digs way down deep

and then
when Michelle gets done not playing
she sobs

and sweeps
and sobs
and sweeps
and sobs
and dust busts
and sobs

and the sweeping and dust busting is a lot like shoveling snow

illumination

Michelle only gets angry when Michelle feels afraid
fear morphs into anger and anger helps Michelle take care of business
in an oh she is not playing kind of way
hold your space hold your place the strength comes from down deep

this 3rd person thing is a little psychotic, no?

Well. It takes a lot to dispel all that extra energy masquerading as anger

So.
What else am I angry about?
Snow
Ice
The snow and ice on the porch roof that is now caving in and leaking.
The possibility that the porch roof will come crashing down on one of the kids.
Or the babysitter.
Or the babysitter's kid.



goddam fukin snow on goddam fukin porch roof


For 2 days I've looked at the snow and ice piled up on the porch roof up to the dormers.
I've thought about who I could call to get the fucking snow off the fucking roof before the fucking thing falls down and squashes someone like a fucking bug



those cracks were not there a week ago
and you can't even see how
the fukin thing is bowing and rippling


FUCK IT
Last time I was really angry Mia and I chopped down a tree
mommy i feel so strong that was so awesome i feel like i can do anything
you can baby girl you can do anything

Jordana moves big rocks around when she's pissed
She's also been known to weed wack my entire backyard
I've heard that knocking down walls with a sledge hammer works too

I have no rocks, no sledge hammers, no walls to come down
at least not the plaster and sheetrock kind

So god fukin dammit I'm gonna get that fuckin frozen snow off the roof
goddammit
And I get even more pissed because today started off a balmy 34 degrees
but while I was not playing with The Unbloggable
a fuckin artic wind came in and fuckin froze everything that was maybe a little bit melted and a little bit shovel-able

ok

so

we have no tools

we have one shovel

we have one tiny dormer window in the bathroom that looks out at the snow n ice covered porch roof

I tried poking the snow with a broom handle but that shit would just did not budge

what do we have?

I was gonna use the butt of Jack's old Red Rider rifle but thought the neighbors might misinterpret things and call the police


I trekked across the fucking ice n snow covered backyard to get to the garage to search for tools
There was too much ice n snow to open the garage door but not enough ice to keep my ever expanding ass from breaking through and ending up fat ass knee deep in snow.
Despite my favorite Sorel Joan of Arc boots.
fuck me

what do we have?
what do we have?
what do we have?

fuckin A the only thing we have are kitchen utensils

CHEF TOOLS


big pizza spatula thingy
chicken breast or veal fillet pounder thingy
something else sharp
diamond dust covered knife sharpener thingy



goddam if that fillet pounder thingy didn't smash up that icy snow
it's a bit like a sledge hammer

And the pizza spatula thingy? a bit like an ax
Perfect for slicing and dicing right through the ice and it worked great as a shovel

Cleared that fuckin ice n snow right off that fukin roof

I'm sure I looked like a lunatic

I stood on the toilet and hung out that damn bathroom window by my hips
My big fat ass held me tight and steady
I tucked my damn core up and in and held on
And I chopped and fillet-d that fuckin snow right the fuck away

The whole thing left me sweating and beggin for more

Just like when Mia and I chopped down the tree
mommy what else can we chop down?

I feel better now.

I let the extra energy out and I am holding my place.
And now I can have a reasonable conversation.

So.
Now I'm gonna go drink some wine and make some banana bread.
And have a conversation.

Amen


32 comments:

  1. I feel like it's always me against the snow. Me against the snow.....every single snow storm. Glad our roof isn't caving though......

    Prayers for sunny skies and unseasonably warm weather sweeps across the entire region.

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  2. I like your site. Thanks! Here is a true story in return.

    WARM HEARTED HAND
    The cattle truck showed up an hour late but at least it did finally arrive. We grabbed a long strong rope, some feed and a four-wheel drive Ford Tractor that had a bucket loader on the front of it.. The man in the truck followed us over to the other barn which was across the road from the main barnyard.

    The bull that we were after was almost as big as the tractor but he was white with some light brown spots and the tractor was blue. Many men have been mauled and even killed while trying to remove a bull from a pasture but this bull was good natured and like all cattle, loves feed.

    Coaxing cattle with feed is an old trick and more often than not it serves the purpose perfectly. I've seen whole herds of heifers chase a quad down the road when a man sat on the back with a five gallon bucket of feed for them follow.

    But, we weren't driving cattle this time, so we tried to lasso the bull and separate him from the heifers. The man who brought the truck was following the bull around a feed trough that was out in the middle of the pasture while trying to toss the looped end of the rope over the big bulls massive head. The first attempt failed because the rope only grabbed one-half of the bulls head so we had to wait for the beast to shake it off before we could try again.

    The idea was to lasso the bull but to let the rope go once we did. Once the rope was finally around the bulls neck, the plan was to recapture the loose end of the tether and tie it to back end of the tractor while the bull was being preoccupied with the feed. It would have worked if the rope had fell just right on the first try but since it didn't the bull was spooked and wouldn't come close enough for us to try it again.

    One has to be calm and quiet around cattle because they can spook easy. Seeing that we had no chance of capturing the bull under the circumstances we decided to relocate the feed trough and get a longer rope. We moved the trough from the pasture up to the lower level of the old barn and started shaking the feed bucket again. The cattle answered the dinner call and as fortune would have it the bull went into the barn behind a heifer whereupon we closed the two in by shutting a metal gate.

    Once inside the barn, the bull was preoccupied with eating feed so we were able to lasso him correctly this time. The bull was tied close to the back end of the tractor and then led to the cattle truck which was parked down by the road. I held the tether tight while another fellow operated the tractor. I rode on the tractor by standing on a running board and secured the animal by wrapping the rope around a solid bar that was attached to the tractor.

    The bull came quietly but at one point it seemed like the bulls massive head was going to get jammed in between the back tire and the tractor's frame so we halted and readjusted the rope. The ramp up into the cattle truck was already down and the side gates had been attached so we pulled the bull up to the ramp, loosed the rope and prodded the bull up into the truck.

    Well that was one down and another to go. The second bull was back in the main barnyard. So we repeated the process again, over there. The second bull was younger but he seemed to be more dangerous which is unusual because generally it's the other way around.

    I was the youngest of our crew of four. George was the oldest at 88 years old, his brother Bob is 84 and John is about 70 years old. I am 55. Bob has breathing problems and he can't walk around to good so he operates the tractor. Bob has poor circulation also. I took my glove off and held his frozen left hand in mine for a moment so that it would warm back up. I overlooked the snot that had been wiped off onto the wrist and grabbed it anyway.

    We all know how cold noses can run in the winter time. It was zero today.

    ReplyDelete
  3. but i do like that you held his frozen hand in yours to warm it up

    despite the snot

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  4. I think you would have moved that snow today if you only had your bare hands. Digging down deep.

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  5. I chopped down a tree this summer and felt INVINCIBLE. And the kitchen tools re-purposed? You're fierce, woman!

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  6. I am in awe of you. But when illumination strikes, I plan to get the fuck out of your way. Or help you chop down a tree. You cry. Then you get the fuck up and attack transform create turn chef tools into might axes. You're my hero.

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  7. a little psychotic yes. but you come by it honestly. hold your place, Stand Firm.

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  8. I love this post. It may be my favorite.

    Your ass is not fat.

    xoxoxoxo

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  9. Well. I'm damn tired of the snow too. My porch isn't buckling, but the icemelt from the clogged gutter on the roof is making my front door an ice slick. It's too high and I'm not as brave or as pissed as you, so my ice is just hanging there. But you, my friend, took that sad and afraid and boiled over anger and you worked it out. I love that you used the chef tools, ironic, yes? I hope you got a little peace beyond the rescued porch from your efforts. I say whatever it takes. Whatever form it takes, whatever works for you.
    I'm sending you a hug and a huge question mark ? about Ed's unusual comment.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I had my own hatchet growing up. Trees did not quake and tremble at the sight of me but I did some damage. It helps if you drag the downed tree through the woods for awhile and then chop it into firewood and kindling bits. Goodness, that hatchet probably saved more than one life.

    I like it. This. The chef tools vs. the snow. Yes. That's good. As good as a hatchet. Also, I hope one day to get a story in MY comments.

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  11. God damn but you are strong! Ah, baby. Just don't hurt yourself in it.
    I wish I was there to rub your hands for you. I know they could use it.
    Love you...M

    ReplyDelete
  12. You should have charged money for the show!
    I'm laughing MY fat ass off at this post. With some tears, too. I wish I could have helped you with that. I would have -- really. I am very strong, you know -- and my ass would probably have melted that snow if I'd sat in it.

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  13. I am struck speachless (commentless?) by the awesomeness of this post and you.

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  14. *chef tools into mighty axes.

    although "might" works too. and maybe that was one fuck too many. but you are awesome and i hope today is a peaceful and maybe even an illumination free day.

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  15. You are mighty strong. scream those screams. angry, fierce, joyful,beautiful, mama. I am in awe of your YOUness.
    Love you crazy amounts!
    (BTW- maybe tomorrow we will soften the fierce and melt into some grace :)Backbends, maybe?

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  16. God, I love this. I love how your channel that energy. I love how you use CHEF TOOLS.

    I love everything about you.

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  17. Goddamn, I love you. That is some triumphal (is that a word?) shit. Yessiree.

    Fuck winter. My fat ass has fallen down twice now on the ice. Good thing I got padding. It makes me feel like a damn 80 year old though. I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! Remember that commercial? It was a classic.

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  18. You. Are a fucking rock star.

    And? Posess some scary ass kitchen utensils.

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  19. Beyond unique blog. I have never ever before seen a post with soooo many GD's and F-bombs only to end with an "Amen". LMAO!
    I live in an older clapboard gingerbread house...your looks older as well. I worry too about the ice and snow and am always waiting the add-on bedroom to fall off when it's roof is heaped with snow.
    bitch of a thing- that fookin' snow.

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  20. Well shit, after all that, no wonder you are a little Ok ish. I don't know why I don't just come here first to see how it's all going. And to think I could have borrowed your snazzy tools to combat the ice on our roof too. probably work better than the motorcycle sidecar that's in our barn. Love you, hang on in there, as the Sandanista candidate in Bluefields, Nicaragua said " Everything will be better" . Got to love that promise. xxxxxxxxxx

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  21. Michelle, ain't it some shit how things all come at once? Within a period of just a few months you've lost your mother, become single, and had to look at scary cracks in your ceiling. Like the others who read your always-remarkable writing, I'm sending love and comfort wrapped in awed admiration for the channeling of energy you manage, turning something that's really total bullshit into a fine example of the sacred in everyday life. I love you.

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  22. Girlfriend, you crack my ass up. I have this picture of you hanging out the window with your Ginsu knives chopping at the ice and snow like Edward Scissorhands. Crying is good, but pissed off and breaking shit is far better!

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  23. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I love this SO much. I've been wondering the same thing, how to get the snow off the roof. All my neighbors husband's are out doing it with their special tools and ladders. I don't have either. But nothing is buckling or cracking so I'm not in the same place as you. But woman you are my HERO, with those crazy kitchen tools and hanging your beautiful, crazy (in a wonderful way) self out that window. You astound me. And inspire.
    Amazing writing, 3rd person and all.

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  24. i love you in or out of any window.
    i do. you are irresistible.

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  25. just stopped by to say whenever i see your profile pic next your comment somewhere, it makes me happy, because you look happy in it like a kid is happy, hands together and full of glee.

    wishing you lots of happy today.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I wish I had read this before I tried to shovel the ice off of my driveway.
    Never thought to get out the spatula


    you
    me
    warm climate
    and a big fat margarita
    that's what I say

    ReplyDelete
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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.