"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

my undisciplined soul is still here

that's why your soul picks this time to come
because in the discipline that it takes for you
to keep on keepin on
it's a discipline that your soul requires

that's what she told me
20 years ago
dang that angel lady gail was right again

A few weeks ago Dr Jim another crazy doc whom i absolutely adore
asked me if I have another job on the side or run a not-for-profit or something


it just seems like you're the kind of person who would be doing all sorts of amazing things really well you're like a power house


are you fuckin kidding me?

Jim. I am the least disciplined person you could ever meet. If I didn't have a load of external pressures I'd be sitting home watching tv all day long drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes in the morning and drinking wine and smoking cigarettes in the evening.

you smoke?

I think he missed my point.
But I sure have him fooled.


So. After 6 months of trying to close on a new house it's fukin beautiful we're almost there.
Sanctuary. Me and the kids.

Are we packed yet?

No we are not.

I keep telling myself we don't have a lot of stuff we don't and the tenants for the pink and purple house aren't moving in till May 1
so I have 6 weeks oh now it's 3 weeks of overlap.

So every Tuesday and Thursday for the past 3 months I've chosen to go to yoga then chat with Shannon then meet Jordana for lunch then do a little grocery shopping maybe and cook something from scratch which the kids will refuse to eat instead of packing.

I have plenty of time.
We don't have that much stuff.


Today I decided to exercise some discipline.
Texted Shannon no yoga this-week packing.
Texted Jordana gotta be productive this week and get some stuff done.

There. I said it. It's out there. Now I have to get down to business.

Forget that I forgot Mia had a class trip today and needed to pack a lunch.
Pack a lunch?
No peanut butter.
No turkey.
American cheese and jelly eeewww
Mommy can I take pancakes?
How bout leftover mac n cheese?

I nuked the mac n cheese and wrapped it in tin foil.
Mommy it has to be small enough to fit in this bag.
She showed me the tiny gift bag that had held her birthday present from The Most Awesome Babysitter Amy.
Honey? Where's the gerbil?

last week Mia concocted all this weird goo stuff with cornstarch and water and food coloring.
It was really fun to play with and maybe the gerbils would like to play in it too.
So when she came down and asked if she could clean the gerbils I thought she was asking if she could clean the cage.

I'm a trifle deaf in one ear.

gerbil + cornstarch glue + gerbil bath = hypothermic gerbil which I did my best to revive = dead gerbil


She wrapped him in a little blue blanket.
Damn if he didn't look just like Stuart Little.

Honey? We have to bury him.
No mommy I want to keep him with me forever it's all my fault that he died.
Honey you can't keep him. We can bury him here or we can bury him in the new house in your garden patch.
You don't have to decide right now, but you have to decide soon.

She fell asleep with him on her pillow.
I moved him to the bedside table.

The next morning she put on her coat and grabbed her backpack and put him in the tiny gift bag and looked at me with defiance.
Honey. You cannot take him to school

glare. defiance. try to stop me. glare

Mia. Trust me. If anyone finds out you have a Dead Animal at school they'll take him from you.
It's a Health Code Violation trust me honey he has to stay here

I guess possibility of the Department of Health putting the school on lockdown was enough for her leave him home.
She popped him in the freezer.
All swaddled in blue, resting in the gift bag.
Next to the toaster strudel.

That was 10 days ago

So today as I'm putting the mac n cheese cause we have no turkey and no peanut butter cause i totally lack discipline and we have like 150 tortillas but nothing to make a sandwich with in the tiny gift bag and trying to convince Mia to wear a rain poncho cause it's raining out and they're going hiking in a swamp and she looks at me like I have two heads rain poncho are you kidding me? and dons her leopard print short stylish trenchcoat and I want her to wear her snow boots and she says no way ok maybe the rainboots which she agrees to because I can even make rainboots look good i say where's the gerbil?

Ty says he's in the freezer in a brown paper bag

OK. Fine.
As long as he's in the freezer and not on a kitchen counter or her dresser or something.


So. Time to be productive. Time to pack.

I walked back and forth from room to room looking for the goddamfuckin duct tape that I told the kids they had to put back in the drawer so when I started packing I could find it.

No duct tape.

fuckin fuckin fuckin goddammit. i hate this shit.

Well. I actually got some stuff packed.
A few more boxes.
A few more bags of shit to throw out.
A few more square feet of cleared space in the attic.
A few more loads of laundry.

At some point it occurred to me is it really weird that I let Mia take her lunch in the bag that's been holding her Dead Gerbil for 10 days?
Is that problematic?
Poor judgement?


11 a.m. and Jordana tempts me with lunch.
She is the Eve to my Adam and lunch at Max's is the Goddam Fuckin Apple.
AND she knows how extraordinarily undisciplined I really am.
She had a good laugh this morning when she drove past and saw the Christmas lights and Blue Balls are still hanging on the porch.

Inasmuch as I'm going to lunch instead of packing I might as well write. Right?

Completely undisciplined.


  1. I am glad you mentioned the same bag asn the dead gerbil was in, becuase the thought had crossed my mind, too, but only briefly. :) Glad to hear someone else is as undisciplined as I am, only at least people don't think I am a powerhouse. I send hugs.

  2. Things seem pretty normal there to me!
    So excited for you and the new house, hooray for sanctuary. I understand the lazy/procrastination gooey center hidden under a crunchy overachiever looking exterior. We are multifaceted, yes?
    Sorry about the gerbil, I've been there with the nothing for lunch fail, sorry about that too! But so lovely to read a post from you, glad to know you are still hanging in there, keeping on. Hugs.

  3. I want pictures. I have to be able to imagine your new space, your sanctuary. I have to.
    I love you, Michelle.

  4. Oh darling, I want to have children just to let them come live with you as the opposite of uptight me. You crack me up!

  5. Im waiting for you to take the gerbil to lunch with you by mistake one day. Wouldn't that be funny? Or is it just me?

  6. Screw pics of the new house. I want pics of the Stuart Little look-alike!

    We WERE about to embark on the pet bunny trail. Even had a guy lined up to build a hutch. Not so sure now. Thanks.

  7. Yeah, photos would be good. I've not ever written my dead hamster story.

    Moving is so not fun. Will be thinking of you. xoxoxo

  8. not sure what I love more about you
    the fact that you are not freaked about a dead animal somewhere in the house
    or the fact that you have yet to see how disciplined you truly are
    because really, I like to think that being AWARE of needing discipline is half the battle

    and I kid you not...no idea what happened to the dead hamster here

    I will offer up my entire day today as a prayer for you and a day full of discipline
    because I have never been more certain in my life...without discipline there can be no happiness
    if I did not take ten minutes a day to sit in silence
    eat right
    and work out
    I would be as dead as your gerbil, and if not dead like him, at least lost like him
    and cold
    I am always cold

    I am always falling, you know
    every single day
    I fall
    and I can not get up

    well,not alone, at least
    discipline in my spiritual, physical and emotional life is key to my getting back up on my own two feet

    loved this post
    can ya tell??
    I can't shut up

  9. But I LOVE the pink and purple house! If we lived closer, I sure as hell would want to rent it from you.

    I love you, Michelle. I hope you know that.


  10. The gerbil story made me laugh. Sorry.

    Only you, Michelle. Or me, if I had kids.

  11. O M to the effin G. Sounds like a typical morning in my house. It is gut wrenching, really it is. I love your humor but I know you are going to miss those blue balls. And btw, Dr. Jim is right. Absolutely correct! You inspire and enchant and teach us with this blog - you can do all that shit for realz man.

  12. I am glad the hugs made you smile. And you are going to be just fine, just fine. Seeds coming and flowers will grow and everything will unfold as it should and before you know it you will be in a new chapter inside the new home making it yours and the children's nest. All I want to wish you is not discipline but a good memory, one that remembers only good things. Hugs from here, to make you smile.

  13. If I didn't already love your blog, this post sure would have done it. Dead gerbil bag indeed. I have zero discipline as well. I sympathise completely.

  14. It's really my best comment on your blog:

    Do Anything Michelle Does or:


    I'm wishing you happy trails.

  15. I think the doc was right. You ARE an amazing person, who does amazing stuff all over the place, all the time. You don't have to be disciplined for that: it comes from inside you, it's how you're made, it's how you're hard-wired, my friend. Amazing stuff. All the time. Who cares about packing boxes in an organized fashion? And who doesn't hate that shit. I hate that shit.
    But I love you. From far away, from unknown places and unseen everyday faces, I'd know you anywhere, undisciplined friend. I love you.


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.