my undisciplined soul is still here

that's why your soul picks this time to come

because in the discipline that it takes for you

to keep on keepin on

it's a discipline that your soul requires

that's what she told me

20 years ago

dang that angel lady gail was right again

A few weeks ago Dr Jim another crazy doc whom i absolutely adore

asked me if I have another job on the side or run a not-for-profit or something

????

it just seems like you're the kind of person who would be doing all sorts of amazing things really well you're like a power house

????

are you fuckin kidding me?

Jim. I am the least disciplined person you could ever meet. If I didn't have a load of external pressures I'd be sitting home watching tv all day long drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes in the morning and drinking wine and smoking cigarettes in the evening.

you smoke?

I think he missed my point.

But I sure have him fooled.

*****

So. After 6 months of trying to close on a new house it's fukin beautiful we're almost there.

Sanctuary. Me and the kids.

Are we packed yet?

No we are not.

I keep telling myself we don't have a lot of stuff we don't and the tenants for the pink and purple house aren't moving in till May 1

so I have 6 weeks oh now it's 3 weeks of overlap.

So every Tuesday and Thursday for the past 3 months I've chosen to go to yoga then chat with Shannon then meet Jordana for lunch then do a little grocery shopping maybe and cook something from scratch which the kids will refuse to eat instead of packing.

I have plenty of time.

We don't have that much stuff.

*****

Today I decided to exercise some discipline.

Texted Shannon no yoga this-week packing.

Texted Jordana gotta be productive this week and get some stuff done.

There. I said it. It's out there. Now I have to get down to business.

Forget that I forgot Mia had a class trip today and needed to pack a lunch.

Pack a lunch?

No peanut butter.

No turkey.

American cheese and jelly eeewww

Mommy can I take pancakes?

How bout leftover mac n cheese?

I nuked the mac n cheese and wrapped it in tin foil.

Mommy it has to be small enough to fit in this bag.

She showed me the tiny gift bag that had held her birthday present from The Most Awesome Babysitter Amy.

Honey? Where's the gerbil?

backstory

last week Mia concocted all this weird goo stuff with cornstarch and water and food coloring.

It was really fun to play with and maybe the gerbils would like to play in it too.

So when she came down and asked if she could clean the gerbils I thought she was asking if she could clean the cage.

I'm a trifle deaf in one ear.

gerbil + cornstarch glue + gerbil bath = hypothermic gerbil which I did my best to revive = dead gerbil

bummer

She wrapped him in a little blue blanket.

Damn if he didn't look just like Stuart Little.

Honey? We have to bury him.

No mommy I want to keep him with me forever it's all my fault that he died.

Honey you can't keep him. We can bury him here or we can bury him in the new house in your garden patch.

You don't have to decide right now, but you have to decide soon.

She fell asleep with him on her pillow.

I moved him to the bedside table.

The next morning she put on her coat and grabbed her backpack and put him in the tiny gift bag and looked at me with defiance.

Honey. You cannot take him to school

glare. defiance. try to stop me. glare

Mia. Trust me. If anyone finds out you have a Dead Animal at school they'll take him from you.

It's a Health Code Violation trust me honey he has to stay here

I guess possibility of the Department of Health putting the school on lockdown was enough for her leave him home.

She popped him in the freezer.

All swaddled in blue, resting in the gift bag.

Next to the toaster strudel.

That was 10 days ago

So today as I'm putting the mac n cheese cause we have no turkey and no peanut butter cause i totally lack discipline and we have like 150 tortillas but nothing to make a sandwich with in the tiny gift bag and trying to convince Mia to wear a rain poncho cause it's raining out and they're going hiking in a swamp and she looks at me like I have two heads rain poncho are you kidding me? and dons her leopard print short stylish trenchcoat and I want her to wear her snow boots and she says no way ok maybe the rainboots which she agrees to because I can even make rainboots look good i say where's the gerbil?

Ty says he's in the freezer in a brown paper bag

OK. Fine.

As long as he's in the freezer and not on a kitchen counter or her dresser or something.

*****

So. Time to be productive. Time to pack.

I walked back and forth from room to room looking for the goddamfuckin duct tape that I told the kids they had to put back in the drawer so when I started packing I could find it.

No duct tape.

fuckin fuckin fuckin goddammit. i hate this shit.

Well. I actually got some stuff packed.

A few more boxes.

A few more bags of shit to throw out.

A few more square feet of cleared space in the attic.

A few more loads of laundry.

At some point it occurred to me is it really weird that I let Mia take her lunch in the bag that's been holding her Dead Gerbil for 10 days?

Is that problematic?

Poor judgement?

Whatever.

11 a.m. and Jordana tempts me with lunch.

She is the Eve to my Adam and lunch at Max's is the Goddam Fuckin Apple.

AND she knows how extraordinarily undisciplined I really am.

She had a good laugh this morning when she drove past and saw the Christmas lights and Blue Balls are still hanging on the porch.

Well.

Inasmuch as I'm going to lunch instead of packing I might as well write. Right?

Completely undisciplined.