Why is it that we/I need to do it all?
I know y'all have asked yourself this question before.
Why do we feel like we have to be totally self sufficient super women?
not ask for help
have everything perfect
be that Enjoli Woman you have to be at least 40 to know about enjoli
I'm having a moment.
I'm having a minute of a moment.
I work full time. Really hard
I take care of our kids.
And the house.
And the pets kind of
And I try to take care of myself.
Something's gotta give
It's so much better now that I have my awesome functioning loving healthy husband back.
A husband who cooks really good food on the weekends
A husband who has ALWAYS changed diapers not that there are diapers to be changed anymore but you know what I mean
A husband who would do ANYTHING for me.
But a husband who works really hard too, and is away from home 70 hours a week
OK. It is what it is. So this is my point
I scramble every week to get everything done on my "time off"
I try to keep the house clean
I try to cook a good dinner that my kids will eat
I try to keep up with the laundry and bills
I try to go to yoga twice a week
I try to spend time in blogland which always draws me away from all those other trials.
Blogging shares the Blue Ribbon with Prozac in the What Keeps Michelle the Most Sane competition.
But every week I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Mainly because house cleaning is way at the bottom of my list of priorities. But seeing yuck and dirt and baskets of cleandirty laundry every where puts me over the edge. Not to mention the drifts of pet hair that accumulate despite sweeping and dustbusting three times a day.
YUCK.
I'm that fucking hamster goddammit
So. I took the plunge. I called the most Awesome Cleaning Lady in the county to resume her twice a month magic here.
So why am I so ambivalent? Why do I feel guilty? Like a failure?
Why does the voice in my head say if you can't keep the house clean, you have no business going to yoga or sitting at the computer or sitting on your ass.
Last year when the shit was hitting the fan, I let Awesome Cleaning Lady go cause I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to pay our mortgage. Having someone come clean my house has always been the epitome of self indulgence. I couldn't afford to be self indulgent anymore.
But things are different now. I increased my hours, got a big fat raise, and Bruce is back doing his thing.
So why do I feel like it's a cop out to have someone come and clean my bathrooms and floors twice a month?
Is it the money? The thought that it could be put to better use elsewhere?
Is it the idea that I SHOULD be able to do it all myself and if I CAN'T, well then, I must suck?
What is it?
God knows I'm not a high maintenance kinda girl. No mani-pedis. Back to dreadlocks cause I just can't be bothered with the hair thing. I'd wear Goodwill sweat pants to work if I could get away with it.
But I'm not willing to give up yoga, blogging, or gardening once the weather gets nice. I keep thinking I'd like to start drawing again. If I let someone else clean my house, I could do more of the things that might keep me healthy and happy for my family. And myself. But why is it so hard to just do this one thing that would make everything else so much easier?
Do I sound like a whiny spoiled girl? It's ok to kick my ass and tell me to get over it.
And why is it that only those of us with girlie parts are like this?
Is it a recessive x-linked trait?
Is it cultural?
Why do I expect to be able to do it all?
Why do we expect to be able to do it all?
Did women's lib shoot us in the foot?
What gives?
I just read an article about society's expectations and how women view themselves. It has truth to it, although I hate reading these kinds of things because they make me angry.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.prospect.org/cs/articles?articleId=10659
Get that cleaning woman, lady. Fuck guilt.
The reason why you don't want to DO IT ALL, including cleaning your house is because YOU'RE EVOLVED. That's why.
ReplyDeleteDo what you love. Help others. Help yourself. Some people love cleaning and that's fine. For those who don't and can afford to pay someone to do it, that's fine, too.
And now I've got Enjoli stuck in my head...
I hear you, I have tremendous guilt getting help with the house too. I don't work anymore, but neck and shoulder problems and pt pain almost pushed me to the breaking point because I couldn't keep up. And lord the bigger the kids get, the bigger the piles, the messes, the more dishes, and the furry dog too.....
ReplyDeleteI am partly too frugal to enjoy writing the check for hired help, too anal to let anyone see my house untidy, too strangerphobic to let cleaning services in without crying in the other room, and yes, too guilty to accept that I can't get it all done. I'm learning to adjust my standards and my expectations, but fantasize all the time about having it cleaned for me.
I hate to clean, and I hate to do laundry and dishes and I'm not sure I like cooking, so I'm in quite the snit. Hope you don't feel like you have to do it all, you work and have 3 kids for goodness sake!
And I admit, blogging costs me some housework, but it keeps me from crying into the dishes!
Enjoy your cleaning lady and your clean house. Doing it all is overrated!
Just take it one day at a time and one step at a time.....You will always come out ahead.
ReplyDeleteFuck guilt. We're here for a few fleeting decades, if we're lucky. Support the economy, support your life, support your happiness.
ReplyDeleteIt's a win-win-win. :)
Are you feeling guilty about helping someone pay for their mortgage? Why don't you look at it that way and forget about useless guilt. What is it good for? Use the time you would waste feeling guilty giving yourself a facial, or reading a good book. And buy that good lady a bunch of daffodils once in a while to make her feel great and appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI cannot begin to tell you what that did for my old housekeeper. Bless her soul, I still miss Rhonda something fierce. And I never felt guilty because I knew we were helping each other in our own ways.
You are amazing beyond my wildest dreams of accomplishments in one day, nevermind a whole week and over and over. Please, yes, give yourself some kind of break and let someone else help. Your kids and hubby also need you to do yoga and have the little bit of down time you do have. You are a person, not a robot. I applaud you.
ReplyDeleteHere are the things I know:
ReplyDeletemama you rock.
guilt is built into our DNA.
No matter how much you sleep you are always tired.
Lots of red wine tastes really really good....but even better when you have worked your ass off to earn it.
Yoga is not a luxury it is a necessity.
Gardening keeps you grounded.
blogging and prozac...well (no need to say more)
It is your job to show Mia how important it is to lead a balanced life. I wish my mom had done that for me. I think it is super brave AND selfless to let your kids see you love yourself and take care of yourself.
You're an inspiration!
Fuck YES women's lib shot us in the foot. Oh hell yes.
ReplyDeleteDarling- as I was reading this, I thought to myself, "She needs to hire someone to come in and clean," and then I got to the part about Awesome Cleaning Woman.
Do you realize you just added to her income? Do you realize that you have benefited her and her family? Do you realize that taking care of yourself is taking care of your family? Your kids are not going to remember how clean the bathrooms were or who cleaned them. They are going to remember your smiling, happy face.
Or. Your scowling unhappy face.
Which one do you want them to remember?
That's all I have to say about THAT!
Love...MM
I'm certifiably insane and like cleaning. I would however hire someone to cook and shop and take care of the kids, so I have more time to clean and blog.
ReplyDeleteI have that Enjoli song going through my head now, thanks so much. "She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan...." And I dont know that answer to your question, really. Because I am the same way about things, too, although if I could afford a person to come clean I don't think I would feel guilty, just relieved. I mean, I get what you are saying, like I said I have other things (like me paying for a full year of Curves after I got my taxes, because that $500 could have gone to LOTS of other things, should have), but the housecleaning would simply make me happy.
ReplyDeleteYou do not have to do it all, and you can ask for help. In fact, that's the clever thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI think it's definitely cultural. I say that because I have lost that feeling. I don't do it all and that's okay. I have time and things for myself. And that's necessary.
It's worth thinking about that. A lot. It's okay to make husband do the bills or cleaning, and it's okay to pay someone to clean. It's more than okay. You are entitled to some happiness and me-time, too.
(I'm a bit evangelic when it comes to this topic. Long live mindfulness!)
I keep having this conversation with my husband because I want to hire someone and he says no -- he'd rather do it himself than give someone else money to do it. (Nevermind that I'm the one working, but I won't dare say it's my money.) But he doesn't do it. Well, he does once every few months when it's gotten so bad that none of us can stand it anymore.
ReplyDeletelord have mercy. when did we start justifying asking for help based on how it would benefit someone else?
ReplyDeletedon't get me wrong, i love all the comments made here, but
miche, you're a great wife & an AMAZING mother. stop. and. breathe.
maybe you SHOULD get a mani pedi
actually, i have a gift certificate for a massage. it expires in june. it's yours if you want it.
I think said cleaning lady's husband left her in the doodie a while back, so you are really doing the right thing. There, now you can feel doubly good in a clean house .. for now...
ReplyDeleteNo one can do it all... there's too much to do. God knows we try, but like you said, it's a never ending list.
ReplyDeleteWomen's lib and I aren't always on the best of terms. I'm firm believer in delegating. Taking care of yourself and pampering yourself is an investment in the lives of your children as well. Although you are naturally so beautiful your hair must look awesome in the dreadlocks.
ReplyDeletethink about it as being on strike. no guilt. no hard feelings. simply making a choice to stop. STOP!
ReplyDeletehaving a cleaning lady rocks. you're house is going to look so PURTY:) and you'll be HAPPY and your guilt will become completely and utterly obsolete. you'll have more time to feed your children better (or blog more, hmmm...).
for those of you who don't know me, i also encourage pill popping, drinking, spending outside your means, tattoos, loud music, flipping the bird and unattached sex.
I'm old enough to remember the Enjoli commercials. Jesus.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shame in hiring someone to help free up some of your time. I did it myself for a time, and it was a huge help, and I was much happier for having that help. May you be as well.
Sending love to you.
SB
And to Jordana,
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I know I like you. Your comment made me smile.
SB
You are a SuperMama! I second everything that everyone has already said, but also I want to point out that getting someone else to do something is still getting the job done. Are you keeping the house clean? Yes. Whether you do it or someone else does, no matter. Clean house, happy Mama, happy kids, hurrah! Job well done.
ReplyDeleteMichelle, why do you want to do it all? A clean house is awesome, but cleaning it at the expense of doing other more pleasurable/important things is not so awesome. If you can afford to have some one clean it then you are doing even more good than if you cleaned it yourself. You are helping someone make a living, you are helping yourself free up some much needed time, and you are teaching your daughter that she does not have to, nor is expected to do it all when she grows up.
ReplyDeleteMs.Moon, as usual, is brilliant. What she said.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid to call my cleaning woman, because I haven't cleaned my kitchen floor in weeks. There-I said it. Why do you think we bought tile that hid dirt so well? (FYI, I do sweep/vacuum weekly and wipe up spills, but that's all I find time for.) I'd have to clean before letting the cleaning lady come.
Someone said to me once, when I was in mid-freakout, trying to clean my always dirty AND messy house before a party, "You know, they're not coming to inspect your house. They're coming to see you." And somehow, it was like a bell was ringing in my head. Ever since then, I just haven't worried about it. I always think, "They're not coming to inspect my house," and remember how much I'd rather be doing something else. As a person in a workplace, you understand how much work can be done by a normal person in a 40-60 hour work week, and how much canNOT be done, so you have to apply those same rules to yourself.
ReplyDeletePS - I have your CD at work, AND your snail mail. All I have to do is find an envelope, and I can brighten up your late winter. I'll do it this week.
Love, love.