"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Friday, September 4, 2009

Fragments & Freewrites

Friday Fragments at Half-Past Kissin' Time
Friday Freewrites at Ordinary and Awesome

Fragmented... the way my brain has been feeling for a while now. Many ideas for posts, but not enough ooomph to get much written... and nothing's free... right?
Well, here goes...

There's so much wrong with our culture. Oh... where to begin? How 'bout... the music?? Listening to my kids' favorite station in the car... wait... what are they saying? and two and two and undress you and three and three and undress me and four and four let's freak some more meet me at the hotel motel holiday inn bring your boyfriends and girlfriends... what?? are they singing about orgies??? Even Ty was like eeeww that's gross...Where's Karen Carpenter rainy days and mondays and white lace and promises? Where's Bob Denver filling up my senses like a night in the forest? Where's the innocent sap keeping us innocent?

It took the entire summer, but I finally finished The Poisonwood Bible. I'd taken it out of the library on other occasions, but couldn't bring myself to read about a white missionary family in the Congo. sorry ladies. And Oprah's endorsement was the nail in the coffin as far as I was concerned. Well, my apologies to Ms Kingsolver for underestimating her talent. I loved her essay collection Small Wonders. And when Ms. Moon mentioned The Poisonwood Bible was one of her favorites, I went to the library and checked it out again. Amazing storytelling. I finished and immediately wanted to reread from the beginning, but I had already renewed it twice, and it was overdue by 5 days. I'll have to buy it. If by some miracle you haven't read it yet, you should. It's not a difficult read. It just took me so long because the only chance I get to read is... umm... 15 minutes... umm... every morning... in the bathroom... you know how it is.

On second thought, The Poisonwood Bible is an extremely difficult read. Especially if you're depressed. The funny ha fuckin ha thing about depression is that it completely colors every bit of information that enters your brain. Everything takes on a negative, overwhelming, disastrous, hopeless quality. Everything is futile, every act, no matter how innocent, becomes destructive. So my take home message after finishing this book is that we are all accomplices. We are all guilty. We are all responsible. No one is innocent and ignorance is not an excuse. A prescription for antibiotics for some kid's ear infection? I'm in bed with pharmaceutical thieves. Checking the air pressure in the minivan tires? I think of all the Congolese who had a hand chopped off because they didn't work fast enough on the Firestone Tire rubber plantations. McDonald's because it's just to overwhelming to think about cooking? Oh, don't get me started. All I can think of is the rampant destruction caused just because we want what we want. It's more than a little paralyzing. The more you read, the more you know...

Jack: Mom, it seems like your happy pill is starting to work
Me:  Maybe... I don't know if it's the pill or it's just time or maybe it's both
Jack: Maybe you just think it's the pill, and you let yourself think happier thoughts instead             of shoving them away and you feel... better
I raise an eyebrow at him
Jack:   Yeah, I'm smart that way

And why is it that so many of us are overwhelmed, sad, anxious? What the fucking fuck is up with brain chemistry? Is that really it? I can't NOT think about it cause that's just the way MY brain works. I like answers. I like explanations. If I have to live with that's just the way it is, take the pill and shut up, I will. But it's not easy for me to leave it at that. Is it culture? Is it our environment? Is it genetic? Is it merely that we collectively create our reality and now we have named certain feelings as *dysthymic* *bipolar* *premenstrual dysphoric disorder* *clinical depression* *rapid cycling* *anxiety disorder* *post traumatic stress disorder* *panic attacks*. And prozac paxil lexapro celexa remeron zyban effexor cymbalta luvox zoloft wellbutrin sarafem abilify risperdal zyprexa. Do we conjure them by our belief in their existence? Do the names bestow previously nonexistent POWER? It's hard to imagine it's always been like this, yet it's hard to believe this is a contemporary phenomenon. And it's NOT cross cultural. So what's up with that? 


Well, on a lighter note...
A profound and heartfelt thank you for the comments and love from Ms. Moon, Kori, JAM, Unknown Mami, Nola, BJ Mama, Alicia, Anouk, and my sister Adrienne whose cheeks are softer than the cheeks of my own children. Solidarity is an awesome thing. And the relationships we form in this bloggy universe, assumedly strange and anonymous, are so intimate that we dream of each other and tell each other our dark and honest secret fears and feelings with the press of a button, and get back love and support and laughter and the knowledge that we are not alone. It's an amazing thing.


  1. i'm caressing my own cheeks right now. mmm. delightful.

  2. What's not to love about the orgy music?

    Was in Walmart the other day and heard a snippet of music while in the bathroom. It actually said "back that big ass up, so I can show you what's up." And I thought the people were the most shocking thing about Wallyworld!!


  3. I get so embarrassed for my kids when song's like that come on! Sing about Purple Rain or something, people!

    And I'm on happy pills too. Have been on and off for about 10 years, and I wonder the same thing as you. What the hell? Am I really crazy...or just made to believe that I am?

    Came your way via Mrs.4444. Have a great weekend!

  4. Great FF!

    There is a lot of mental illness in my family, so I wonder the same things you do. I really lived it with my parents growing up, because my mom is bipolar. I believe it is an actual chemical imbalance and I do also believe these conditions are pre-genetic dispositions. I think trauma can create certain illnesses, like multiple personality disorder, though. The world of metal illness is a large one with very little answers, I think. I know there are studies and proofs about it being chemical and genetic, but I think there is so much more do it.

    Happy FF!

  5. I agree with Sara Elizabeth- we just don't know. I have so many theories on why so many of us now need these pills. But I don't really know shit. I do know, however, that we don't live in the world we have evolved for. That's just a fact. I think this has something to do with it.
    And part of the depression/anxiety thing is trying to figure everything out and MAKE IT RIGHT WITH OUR VERY OWN BRAINS which are the problem, after all.
    I take my pill and try (TRY) to accept its need, its worth.
    I am sending you love.

  6. I've picked up the Poisonwood Bible twice but never read it. You may have inspired me to try it. And I agree with the Oprah recommendations.

    I have a theory. I believe each person born with a predisposition for a variety of things -- and depending on environmental, physical and chemical happenings, they either manifest or not. I'm probably COMPLETELY wrong and deluded but I hate to think everything is just that random. I find that a bit too scary.

    I've become very attached to the blogland and all the beautiful people I never would know or meet otherwise. It IS an amazing thing.

  7. I think about it too but then think that for me, depression is like alcoholism; you don't need to know why you have it and someone else doesn't, because it doesn't matter what CAUSED it-you can't go back and fix it. So you move forward and sure, yeah, you might gain some insight and figure a few things out, but I really think that we aren't ever going to really know.

    The bloggy world is crazy wierd on the surface, but just underneath is what it is really about: people who can say "Oh my god, I GET this," and offer their support. It's sometimes just enough to keep a person going.

  8. I'm with you on the music thing, too. I have my Ipod and my cell phone loaded with the stuff that makes me happy, including the Carpenters, John Denver and my current fave, The Mamas and the Papas (how can today's crap compare with Dream a Little Dream of Me?)

    This bloggy world amazes me, too. I sometimes think we are finally ourselves here, where people allow us to be.

  9. I swear lyrics are getting worse and worse these days. And I don't even have kids! haha! Don't even get me started about "disco sticks" and "if you seek amy!"

    I find it hard to actually take the medication prescribed to me. Maybe it's because I've taken just about every one of them but what if our brains know we're taking something new and therefore changes how we feel, so it's not the pill changing us it's our brain. So then I start thinking that I can condition my brain to perform the way it would if I was taking a happy pill... I think I've read too many studies on the placebo effect.

    Happy Friday!

  10. Well, I'm just so glad I found you in the blogosphere. I can relate to so much of what you write.

    The more I discussed my "mental" issues with others the more I realized that I was not alone, in fact there is a huge crowd of us. So what is causing it because it's a pandemic? Is it our lifestyles? I don't have the answers, but something stinks in Denmark.

  11. Oh, my God. You've spoken the thoughts in my mind.
    And when I think those things and feel all of that, I wish that there were someone who would reach out, put his/her hand on the top of my head and say, "Rest. Be at peace." (That never happens). So, I say it to you (without the hand on the top of your head).

  12. I don't get the lyrics of recent 'kids' music, either. I wonder how bad it will be when Princess Nagger is old enough to be filling an iPod or MP3 player with her favorites.

    Jack is smart like that, isn't he? ;)

    Happy FF a day late! :)

  13. Although... I have to admit. I would sing "Afternoon Delight" and "Super Freak" when my parents were around. I had no idea what I was singing for a very long time LOL

    I still think 70's and 80's music is the best :)

  14. Yes, the power of comments (and the hearts behind them) is incredible; I love it. People who don't blog just don't get it sometimes, and I'm done trying to convert them. It's just the best kept secret, I guess :)

    I agree that it seems depression is rampant these days. I love that you and your son talk about it. There is certainly no shame in it, and you are teaching him compassion for others, as well. I wish I knew the answer.

    The Poisonwood Bible, huh? Guess I'll add another to the ever-growing list!

  15. Not really a comment about this post. I was just checking in on you. You were in my thoughts. Hope you are doing well and that things are looking up. Hang in there.

  16. OMG - yes the songs nowadays are insanity. i cant even TALK about, let alone have DONE, the crap these teenage kids are singing about. Its wrong on every level of wrongness... and Im actually not that straight-laced of a person.

    Secondly, WHY in Gods name are you reading the poisonwood bible when youre feeling depresed woman?!?! that book will CREATE a full blown Depressive Disorder! It took me a billion years to get through it, as it did for Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer too, which i abandoned after 7 false starts. It IS a good book, but its long and tedious and infuriating and a tough read and God that mother was hateful... or at least that was MY take.
    Well girl... take care of yourself. That's all you can do. Just take it day by day. Minute by minute even. You can get through hard things. You're a Mom. You can DO hard things. You can get through this. For reals :)


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.