Not really. Let me rephrase that. I'm noticing that I'm getting old.
I can't see for shit anymore. I keep going to the ophthalmologist, and he keeps telling me you're just getting old... this is what happens after 40
Or the gynecologist who tells me that after 40, your periods get shorter and lighter, but it's not menopause until you start skipping months.
Or the partner at the office who tells me that finally, after 12 years, I don't look like a teenager anymore.
Is that supposed to be a compliment?
These days, I look pretty stressed out. Too skinny. Tired around the eyes. My hands look old. Positively weird facial hair that I have quite a time keeping up with. And what are all those blue spider veins doing on the backs of my legs?
So now I'm halfway to 50
is that possible?
Last weekend I was looking through old photos
kiss of death
I came across a packet taken exactly 12 years ago. Jack was just 2 weeks old.
I looked so happy
I sound like a fabric softener
Granted, I gained 56 lbs with that pregnancy. I looked absolutely madonna-ish. Curvy, dreamy. It was the most feminine I've ever felt. Or looked, I think.
That's the answer. I just need to gain weight, and I'll have that full babyface again. The soft curves. The wrinkles will fill in. The eyes won't look so pinched...
Oh. Right. Collagen
After 40, you start loosing collagen. Which explains why my elbows look the way they do when my arms are straight. If you add fat to a body that's loosing its elasticity you just get...
maybe gaining weight isn't the answer...
Back to the pictures
Pictures of me holding Jack... B holding Jack... Grandma Jane holding Jack... Grums holding Jack... John... shit we all look young
Susan, my daddy, B's dad, Rich
my eyes start to well up
Susan was my wonderful sister in law, who has been battling depression, OCD, and an eating disorder for years now... it destroyed her family
The grandpas have passed. Such amazingly sweet men. And awesome grandpas. So missed and so loved.
And Rich. Crazy and generous and infuriating. He and B were friends for years. Died assumedly from an overdose 3 years ago.
Flipping through the pictures past those loved ones who are gone...
They're all... gone.
And I realized that I'm entering into that time of my life
my body's changing
my life is changing
soon I won't be able to say I have little kids
they're not so little anymore
how weird is that???
It's just kinda strange
It's entirely possible that my life is only half over
So hard to imagine...
what will the next 45 years bring?