Not really. Let me rephrase that. I'm noticing that I'm getting old.
I can't see for shit anymore. I keep going to the ophthalmologist, and he keeps telling me you're just getting old... this is what happens after 40
Or the gynecologist who tells me that after 40, your periods get shorter and lighter, but it's not menopause until you start skipping months.
Dammit.
Or the partner at the office who tells me that finally, after 12 years, I don't look like a teenager anymore.
Is that supposed to be a compliment?
These days, I look pretty stressed out. Too skinny. Tired around the eyes. My hands look old. Positively weird facial hair that I have quite a time keeping up with. And what are all those blue spider veins doing on the backs of my legs?
So now I'm halfway to 50
is that possible?
Last weekend I was looking through old photos
kiss of death
I came across a packet taken exactly 12 years ago. Jack was just 2 weeks old.
Damn
I looked so happy
And so...
Soft
Full
Relaxed
Wrinkle-free
I sound like a fabric softener
Granted, I gained 56 lbs with that pregnancy. I looked absolutely madonna-ish. Curvy, dreamy. It was the most feminine I've ever felt. Or looked, I think.
That's the answer. I just need to gain weight, and I'll have that full babyface again. The soft curves. The wrinkles will fill in. The eyes won't look so pinched...
Oh. Right. Collagen
After 40, you start loosing collagen. Which explains why my elbows look the way they do when my arms are straight. If you add fat to a body that's loosing its elasticity you just get...
hanging fat
maybe gaining weight isn't the answer...
Back to the pictures
Pictures of me holding Jack... B holding Jack... Grandma Jane holding Jack... Grums holding Jack... John... shit we all look young
then
Susan, my daddy, B's dad, Rich
my eyes start to well up
Susan was my wonderful sister in law, who has been battling depression, OCD, and an eating disorder for years now... it destroyed her family
The grandpas have passed. Such amazingly sweet men. And awesome grandpas. So missed and so loved.
And Rich. Crazy and generous and infuriating. He and B were friends for years. Died assumedly from an overdose 3 years ago.
A waste.
Flipping through the pictures past those loved ones who are gone...
They're all... gone.
And I realized that I'm entering into that time of my life
my body's changing
my life is changing
soon I won't be able to say I have little kids
they're not so little anymore
middle age
how weird is that???
It's OK
It's just kinda strange
It's entirely possible that my life is only half over
So hard to imagine...
what will the next 45 years bring?
I can't stand to watch old family movies. Not only are there so many people in them that are gone but where are those young people, those beautiful people, those babies? Where did they go? I can only cry when I watch them and I can only look in the mirror and say, "This is it. This is what you look like now." And when I am in yoga, doing poses upside down and the skin hangs like a shar-pei, think, "It's better now than it will be in ten years."
ReplyDeleteHoney. It's hard. Enjoy the beauty you have now because when you are my age, you will look back at pictures of you now and think, "My God. I was beautiful."
Trust me.
Enjoy you now because 20 years from now you'll be looking at pictures of you now and think damn I was so young then.
ReplyDeleteIt is funny, I haven't really gotten to this point yet. I am nearing 40, and it doesn't bother me too much. I have some gray, and a few, um, yes, LAUGH LINES (crows feet) around my eyes, but so far, so good. I think that for me it is because I am so much happier now than I was in my 20's. a million times happier now than when I was thin and sexy and all that happy stuff, so I look at those old pictures and just want to cry with gratitude that I am NOT there.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing that keeps me awake at night.
ReplyDeleteWOW! This entry made me a little emotional reading it, because I have been reminiscing through old photos lately myself. There are so many people I miss.
ReplyDeleteLife is so long, but so short. I am only 26 (27 in October), but I swear it was just yesterday that I was in high school. I honestly cannot belive I have been out of high school for nearly 10 years.
Time. I both love and hate it.
Grandchildren; that's what it will bring. A wonderful house full of laughter and skinny kids looking for a nice big grandma lap to sit in and soft, wrinkly hands to hold, and velvety-smooth cheeks to kiss. We're gonna love it. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post!! I love your writing style.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing to be on the "hate" list is when people say, "You're young at heart." Huh? The heart ain't getting any younger. Yeah, all these body changes happen so fast.