COUNT. WITNESS. BREATHE. or at least give it your best shot

Sigh...

I've been writing for days and the words just aren't coming out right.

Sigh...

I'm in that place of heaviness again. It's not so bad. But I'm there. And I could blame it on this or that or the other but the bottom line is it's just those pesky brain chemicals.

goddamfuckers

I'm in that place where it takes extra energy to smile. Extra energy to breathe. That place where it's easiest to be at the bottom of an exhale. And just stay there.

stupidfuckingserotonin

oh well

Last week Sister Halona reminded me of the importance of gratitude. Especially when you're not feeling it so much. Those are the times we you really need to count our blessings.

Now is one of those times. I'm not pookie or angry or anything. Just feeling kind of sad...

So Sunday that's what I did. I looked at the backyard and thought

this is as good a place as any to find some miracles and blessings...

my own jungle

my own heart of darkness

what a mess

So I pushed the lawn mower back and forth. breathe. In and out. breathe. One foot in front of the other. breathe. Count the blessings. breathe. Witness the miracles. breathe.

the roses are blooming, Angie

count

witness

I think of Ms. Moon and Allegra Smith who count their blessings and bear witness to the miracles in their own backyards every day. And I think about the beauty and comfort and peace I get from their words. I think about Allegra's natural habitat. I would love to do something like that. It would be really cool. I just need a water feature i've said that before. The backyard chaos attracted hummingbirds and butterflies last year with barely any effort at all. Think of what a little planning could accomplish. And then maybe I wouldn't resent the goddamnfucking groundhog so much cause he would be part of the habitat

I can smell these roses as I type

count

I need to paint the garage

sigh

blue false indigo

witness

the previously fungi infested peach tree

which rose from the dead

and now is bearing peaches

count

I've been watching the birds. They start singing before 5 a.m. and just go all day long. Countless sparrows and chickadees. There has been a pair of cardinals swooping through the backyard for a few weeks now. One day I caught a glimpse of an impossibly blue bird flying low into the lilacs. Last week I noticed a nest being knit together by a pair of robins in the branches of the small japanese maple.

But the red headed couple who nested in the hanging fern last spring had yet to be seen. It seemed to be a weird freaky fluke last year. Why would birds nest so close to a houseful of loud crazy humans anyway? And besides, I had never seen that species around before. My SIL said they were ruby throated or purple headed something or others but I don't remember now.

do you see the mama robin's eye?

she's sitting in her nest

right in the middle

looking straight at you

click on the picture

and

witness

I decided to take down my big blue balls and move my indoor plants to their summer home on the porch. It's a lovely spot

Up and down the ladder. In and out the front door. Count the blessings. breathe. Witness the miracles. breathe. Hang the ferns...

I hear the easytalk between Bruce and Mia as they make dinner together.

tilapia. we'll make a lemon butter sauce for it

what's this, daddy?

caponata. eggplant and other stuff and some very special olives from Italy. i brought home extra for you honey cause i know you love black olives.

these are the best olives i've ever had daddy.

They're Cherignola olives. they only grow in one small town called Lanciano. In the province of Cerratina. In Italy

daddy, can i help you grate the lemon and garlic?

And this blessing that I count and this miracle that I witness is the one that allows me to feel the gratitude. And we eat a yummy dinner and I think it's true what they say about baking and breaking bread together. And even though I don't feel like I can eat at all, I take a bite of the local rainbow swiss chard and the onlyfromatinytowninItaly caponata and I break off a hunk of farmer's market bread and I breathe.

And I count the blessings and witness the miracles and I feel the gratitude.

no more big blue balls

the boys are ecstatic

count

And after dinner, as Bruce cleans up oh yes he did I go back to check out the porch. And I see something flitting around the big japanese maple. And it flies over and perches on the hanging fern that has only been there an hour. A small brown bird with a reddish head. And his mate. Scoping out real estate

they're back

witness

And I count the blessing and witness the miracle and I feel the gratitude

And I breathe