"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Friday, October 8, 2010

Whose ass is that anyway?

Ok. I'm well aware that I'm not fat. But I've gained 12 lbs in the past 3 or 4 months and I'm not sure why. I don't want to sound like an asshole and I'm not complaining. I actually feel way better having more flesh on me. My face is a little softer and I have a more feminine shape. This new feeling of flesh against flesh is actually a little bit yummy and a little bit cozy. Kinda like being pregnant.
For me, anyway.

Right. It's all cozy and yummy until I try to squeeze myself into my previously reserved-for-those-bloated-days pants. Nothing fits my lower half anymore. Not even my stretchy stuff. Not even my yoga pants that used to fall down when I started to sweat. Now I just have a perpetual wedgie.

Mia gave me a hug, pressing her cheek against my left breast.

Mommy. Your boobs are getting bigger!

Sister Adrienne came to visit
You look good she said in a wtf kinda way.
I'm gaining weight. I don't know why. I'm not even eating hot wings in bed any more. Everything's the same. Except I'm putting sugar in my coffee instead of honey.

If one tablespoon of refined sugar vs two tablespoons of raw amish honey a day can add this many pounds of fat to my bottom half, well, that's just fucked up.

Bruce. Seriously. Tell me the truth...
He should know me better than to think he's being lured into the Does This Make Me Look Fat girl trap. That's not my style
Chica. Your body's just changing. You look fine. Everyone thought you were too skinny before.
I think maybe it's just a guilt free way for him to pretend he's grabbing some other girl's ass.

I went shopping for long skirts with elastic waistbands.
I should have paid more attention to Mia's September Vogue.
Long skirts do not exist in 2010. And forget about elastic waistbands.
What does exist is a lot of elastic in the form of super skinny jeans with stirrups.

Very disturbing

I got my newly large ass to yoga yesterday and we started class with a Thursday Yoga Overshare.
It was great.
4 ladies spanning more than 3 decades all at different stages of ladyhood.

Maybe my body is changing. I'm almost 47. My cycles are shorter and my period only lasts 3 days.
And I could barely tolerate the heat this summer
Maybe its peri-menopause. It could be peri-menopause. I guess.
I don't understand what's going on in my body. I might as well be 13 again.
For 30 years, I've known my body.
I know nothing about menopause. Peri or otherwise.
All I know is it felt like I had a 5 lb weight strapped to each thigh every time I tried to do a chaturanga.


Aside from the refined sugar thing, the only other change is that my mother died.
I thought a lot about that.

My friend Anouk said it's Happy Fat. When you're stressed out and miserable, the stress eats away at you from the inside out.
Now things are good and you can relax and you're able to gain weight.

Like I said, I feel way more comfortable in my body with a little extra padding. I feel softer and prettier. Maybe my issues with my mom were eating me away from the inside. Maybe I couldn't allow myself to be completely cozy and comfy and lovable in my body until I felt ok with my mom. I guess anger and frustration and lack o'love could make a body all pokey and scrawny.
Maybe that's what made me all scrawny.

Or it could just be my skinny genes.

I finally found a few skirts at goodwill. Ty said I look like Nanny McPhee.

The Universe is Abundant
And so are my thighs.


  1. God, I've missed you. And I love this post. And I'm sure you're gorgeous, no matter what you weigh. And you make me laugh. And you inspire me. What else? I went for a bra fitting yesterday, and the very younger than I saleslady helped me to try on different bras. I was mortified that she saw my wrinkly, crumpled stomach and said so. She said, "Have you lost a lot of weight and that's just skin?" I almost killed myself right there.

  2. The more to love, that is all. Listen girl, you are beautiful and the body has a mind of its own that has nothing to do with the one we think belongs to us. I gave up a long time ago trying to make sense of it. So go with the flow and love your body, and forget about long skirts and so on.
    As I said, thin is not always better and as Carolina Herrera said: after 50 you have to choose
    between your face and your derriere.

  3. How did I get so lucky to know such smart and funny ladies?

  4. I am a bit younger than you but have been in full on peri menopause for a few years....my body seems to be doing it's own thing...if it weren't so infuriating it could be sorta interesting. However, the insomnia and hot flashes are just pissing me off. I'm sure you look lovely. Xo

  5. im going through perimenopause so my metabolism has slowed down considerably. i am turning 47 this november..i have always been tiny, but lately i gained about 25 lbs...crummy eating habits paired with no exercise, and the fact that i live in scrubs for work and home masked this for a bit. Two and a half weeks ago hubby and i started a low carb, NO SUGAR, high protein diet. i have lost 11 lbs and feel fantastic, i have more energy than i have had in the last 20 years. i intend to drop another 5-10 and keep up with it...were also exercising and lifting weights in the evening together as well...call it a midlife crisis if you like, but mommas liking looking hot!..i also notice LESS hotflashes!

  6. Dear sweet woman - I am your newest follower. I just turned 47 in August. Peri menopause is the last cruel joke we get to endure before our bodies let go of menstruation. It is a bitch, hormonally speaking.

    I love your blog. I share so much with you, a dead mother who was never affectionate, a desire to not be like her with my kids, a love of being pregnant and the overwhelming sadness when I knew I had just given birth to my last child (children - two for one).

    Don't worry about the weight gain. You are surrounded by love and vibrant color. Buy new clothes that reflect that and for the love of all things good and holy, do not dress like Nanny McPhee.

  7. Hey. Didn't I already comment here?

    Anyway. Just saw your review little lady. I soooo knew it was you even before I figured out it was really you.

    Well done you.

    I might try my luck over there again with the new blog... maybe improve on my tree stars, though I doubt I'll score the IFLY like little old you. NICE!!

  8. YES! We know our bodies so well and then dammit! Everything changes! Without our permission!
    Oh, Michelle. I know.
    It seems highly unfair to me that we women, gifted beyond everything with the ability to CREATE LIFE AND NURTURE IT with just our bodies (and yeah, a little help from the manstuff) have to go through all of this physical and mental turmoil. Really? THIS was intelligent design?
    Enjoy your new shape.
    Everyone else has said it already but I'll say it again because I must- you are so beautiful and always will be. In every sense of the word.
    And hot? Did I mention hot?

  9. My body became a stranger at 43 and I said the same thing as you - hadn't felt that odd since 13. In fact, peri and menopause make more sense to me when I remember all the puberty madness. I started having many of the same issues pop up, and did not like having to change out half my wardrobe to accomodate the extra 9 or 10 pounds I'm packing. My boobs look great, too bad they're so ambivalent about being fondled these days. They're tired and confused, like the rest of me.
    Good luck with this transition. Puberty was easier, maybe because I was becoming, not unbecoming something. I'm 7 years down the road from the beginning of the strangeness, and I'm finally making some peace with myself again. I've started walking and biking and trying like hell to sleep, and that helps some.
    Oh, the last time I went looking Dress Barn could they have a worse name!?!?) has great looking skirts with elastic waists, not so nanny looking. I always secretly moo on the inside when I walk in, but it's not a store for cows or large ladies. Look what I found online for under 20 bucks, it made me smile to think of you swishing around in it: http://www.vanitrends.com/servlet/the-989/indian-long-skirt,-ethnic/Detail
    Hugs, Mel

  10. I like my women plump. I don't have any women but if I did, I'd want someone who had some meat on their bones.

    I'm still TOO plump but I'm working on it. I'm sure I'll hit menopause as soon as I accomplish my goal. I feel for the thin. It's seems so easy to gain weight but I have friends who struggle so hard to gain a half a pound. I think it just goes to show we are all in it together.

  11. LOL! I love you AND your extra pounds. I'm sure you're rockin' it.

  12. I'm sure you're a hot mama. I remember being pregnant and learning my body way better than I had known it before. I guess there's another similar experience to look forward to...


so... wadaya think?

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