"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there
Friday, October 8, 2010
Whose ass is that anyway?
Ok. I'm well aware that I'm not fat. But I've gained 12 lbs in the past 3 or 4 months and I'm not sure why. I don't want to sound like an asshole and I'm not complaining. I actually feel way better having more flesh on me. My face is a little softer and I have a more feminine shape. This new feeling of flesh against flesh is actually a little bit yummy and a little bit cozy. Kinda like being pregnant.
For me, anyway.
Right. It's all cozy and yummy until I try to squeeze myself into my previously reserved-for-those-bloated-days pants. Nothing fits my lower half anymore. Not even my stretchy stuff. Not even my yoga pants that used to fall down when I started to sweat. Now I just have a perpetual wedgie.
Mia gave me a hug, pressing her cheek against my left breast.
Mommy. Your boobs are getting bigger!
Sister Adrienne came to visit
You look good she said in a wtf kinda way.
I'm gaining weight. I don't know why. I'm not even eating hot wings in bed any more. Everything's the same. Except I'm putting sugar in my coffee instead of honey.
If one tablespoon of refined sugar vs two tablespoons of raw amish honey a day can add this many pounds of fat to my bottom half, well, that's just fucked up.
Bruce. Seriously. Tell me the truth... He should know me better than to think he's being lured into the Does This Make Me Look Fat girl trap. That's not my style Chica. Your body's just changing. You look fine. Everyone thought you were too skinny before. I think maybe it's just a guilt free way for him to pretend he's grabbing some other girl's ass.
I went shopping for long skirts with elastic waistbands.
I should have paid more attention to Mia's September Vogue.
Long skirts do not exist in 2010. And forget about elastic waistbands.
What does exist is a lot of elastic in the form of super skinny jeans with stirrups.
I got my newly large ass to yoga yesterday and we started class with a Thursday Yoga Overshare.
It was great.
4 ladies spanning more than 3 decades all at different stages of ladyhood.
Maybe my body is changing. I'm almost 47. My cycles are shorter and my period only lasts 3 days.
And I could barely tolerate the heat this summer Maybe its peri-menopause. It could be peri-menopause. I guess. I don't understand what's going on in my body. I might as well be 13 again.
For 30 years, I've known my body.
I know nothing about menopause. Peri or otherwise. All I know is it felt like I had a 5 lb weight strapped to each thigh every time I tried to do a chaturanga.
Aside from the refined sugar thing, the only other change is that my mother died.
I thought a lot about that.
My friend Anouk said it's Happy Fat. When you're stressed out and miserable, the stress eats away at you from the inside out. Now things are good and you can relax and you're able to gain weight.
Like I said, I feel way more comfortable in my body with a little extra padding. I feel softer and prettier. Maybe my issues with my mom were eating me away from the inside. Maybe I couldn't allow myself to be completely cozy and comfy and lovable in my body until I felt ok with my mom. I guess anger and frustration and lack o'love could make a body all pokey and scrawny.
Maybe that's what made me all scrawny.
Or it could just be my skinny genes.
I finally found a few skirts at goodwill. Ty said I look like Nanny McPhee.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"