"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there
Monday, October 25, 2010
I'm crabby and impatient and intolerant and all around lacking in compassion today
Not a way I like to feel
So this morning, I'm in a room seeing one of my regular families, and what Jack would call old white guy republican thoughts are going through my head.
I don't want to even notice that all six kids have different last names.
I don't want to think about the fact that this lady has 5 kids between the age of 8 month and almost 7. And they all have different last names.
She hasn't gotten the baby the antibiotics the ER prescribed cause she has no way of getting to the pharmacy.
The 12 year old is asleep with his head on the exam room desk, snoring away at 9:18 am.
He still wets the bed so mom asks if "They" will pay for adult diapers.
She wants him to have a sleep study cause he snores.
And she wants vitamin prescriptions for all 6 kids because "They" will pay for it.
I don't want to have judgements. I don't want to be judgemental.
But... As in grinch butt
Who the fuck is "They"?
I am "They".
Somewhere along the line, in the last 6 years, there have been at least 5 different men in this woman's life.
Why can't they buy some vitamins?
Or pitch in for the adult diapers? Or go fill the babys prescription goddammit?
And why does she keep having babies anyway?
I'm all for socialized medicine, but when I have grinch butt its not so easy to stay in a place of compassion. The damn wedgie is distracting me.
So I force myself to focus on how cute the baby is and how smart the two year old is and how much it must suck to be 13 and still wetting the bed.
And having grinch butt is not nearly as bad as being the mom of 6 and not having any front teeth.
But still. I have grinch butt.
I've bought 6 packages of different sizes and styles of underwear and not one goddam pair is comfortable too tight across my fat ass too low a rise too high a rise bikini brief boy brief what the fuckin fuck brief and my period which has been coming every 26 days is now at 30 and refusing to make its presence known thankyouverymuch. I bought pantyliners just in case along with another package of underwear and the underwear comes up over my bellybutton ugh and the pantiliners are more like oceanliners damn they could be inserts in Bruce's size 12 sneakers
So that's why I am Completely Lacking Compassion Today
On days like this I think of something I read a long time ago in The Temple of My Familiar.
The way I remember it, one of the characters says she became a massage therapist because she realized if she didn't physically put her hands on people and literally feel their pain, she'd fucking kill them out of aggravation.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"