Blogger ate my post in some weird way so this is amended from yesterday
wine story to follow-too much torture
Absolutely positively under no circumstances will I Mr. Linky this to Unknown Mami's Sundays In My City
WARNING: CONTAINS TOTALLY X-RATED CONTENT
OK. I'll start with Friday's flat tire on the way to work. In the rain.
A morning fully booked with baby check ups and I get a flat.
Did I mention it was raining? And cold?
What a way to start a 12 hour day.
Thanks to Geico, I have roadside emergency service.
And Bruce hadn't yet left for work so he came to rescue me.
And while I was standing roadside in the rain watching my van get towed away, J texts me about a hair dryer
cause it's time to ghetto wrap the windows again and offers me the use of her car for the day.
Because she's awesome like that.
The Universe is Abundant.
So all is well and good. I get to work at 10:45. I see my babies. The garage calls.
964.00 worth of new tires and various transmission-y oily gassy things so the 10 year old van will pass inspection.
Fine. It's only money.
OK. So where's the X-RATED part?
I'm saving the best for last.
So
Yesterday was a beautiful fall day in our little town and I was walking home from returning J's car.
2 blocks from home, I'm on the phone with Mia to see if she wants me to make pancakes and a car pulls up behind me and slows down.
I see a good looking young man leaning toward the open passenger window.
Excuse me. Can you tell me where Kennedy's is?
Kennedy's Chicken?
Yes
Truth be told, I thought this was odd.
Young good looking black guy wearing a black doo rag driving a black car with a baby car seat in the back asking where the fried chicken place is.
shame on me for making assumptions
So being the nice helpful non-judge-y I'm-not-scared-of-young-black-men girl that I am, I start directing him to the chicken place.
I look back at him and he's sucking his thumb
???
And yanking on his big erection
?????
And looking right at me
?!?!?!?!?!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?
Which is exactly what I yelled at him.
I wanted to jump into the car and smack him in the head for being an asshole but thought twice about that.
So instead I yelled I'm calling the police.
Now I can barely make my stupid Crackberry work when I have all my wits about me.
The first number that popped into my head was 411.
nope
So I held up my phone to take a picture of the car and the front license plate but alas there was no front plate
how convenient
so I kept yelling that I was calling the cops and getting his plates and taking a picture.
All the while he's sucking his thumb and whacking off and watching me.
Then he backed his car up so I couldn't see his rear plate and drove away.
PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF
I got home, yelling and screaming, ranting and raving, got in to the van, and went looking for that fucker.
After 10 minutes driving around I gave up and went to the police station to file a report.
Quite a scene.
Me yelling at the cops through the bulletproof window about erections and thumb sucking and fried chicken.
They dispatched a few cars and took my statement.
I'm a weird combination of irate and amusingly astounded.
I know this is twisted thinking but I wanted to slap him and say what the fuck is wrong with you you're a really good looking kid what the fuck are you doing?
I did not feel scared. Nor threatened. Nor violated.
I actually crack up when I think about it. Dumbass Freak
However
I know that a lot of women out there might be traumatized if this happened to them. Or at least grossed out and vomity.
What if Mia had been with me?
Which is why I'm going vigilante.
Bruce said Chica it was really weird but let it go.
No way. I'm gonna find that fucker if it's the last thing I do.
Sign me up for the posse. We just found out that a guy around the corner from us in our neighborhood has a few convictions for trafficking in child pornography. Jesus.
ReplyDeleteThat was, by far, the strangest thing I have heard today. Just today though, cos I see and hear some pretty strange shit living in a big city myself.
ReplyDeleteWTF....
Worse yet, what if he did that TO Mia?! He needs some straightening out!
ReplyDeleteOY - good thing you didn't have the dollar corkscrew in hand when he asked about the fried chicken.
ReplyDeleteI always buy wine based on label attractiveness.
ReplyDeleteI'm buying you a corkscrew, a nice one for Christmas.
Jerk off guy cracked me right up.
Something similar happened to me last year. Had the kids in a hotel on a road trip, LaQuinta or something like that, decent part of town - no worries right? In walks a black dude with his pants on the ground, blinged out, doo rag and two hooker in tow. How did I know they were hookers? Just trust me. They proceeded to the hot tub area and began to have sexual escapades while sucking on those candy pacifiers. I made up some very important reason why we needed to leave and distracted the kids on our way out the door.
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend, the deputy sheriff in small town Oklahoma later told me the pacifier, the public sexual display is all part of being high on meth.
Please Michelle, do not look for this guy. He is fried more than the chicken he was looking for. Have some chocolate wine instead.
Wow. What a story. Be careful trying to look for the guy. Freak probably has a lot more going on than a hankering for fried chicken. Ick.
ReplyDeleteDoes it shock you that this would happen in our upstate version of Twin Peaks? (I said that before and someone got SOOOOOOOO offended "gasp- Beacon is NOTHING like that!") Sometimes I feel like I am part of the Book NO EXIT. Just add it to the list of characters (these are just the ones on the block around the studio):Dude who wears the native american cowboy hat/fedora (EVERYDAY), crazy homeless posse, Princess of WOW (now SHE'S a winner), Old lady on crutches (for no reason) dressed in business attire with big bow in her hair talking on pay phone outside of Rite Aid- chainsmoking ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. Now-pervy, doo rag, thumbsucking homeboy.
ReplyDeleteHe adds to the patina of CRAZY that seems to be Beacon.
I knew that was going to be the story when you mentioned a vehicle slowing down next to you.
ReplyDeleteStrange thing is I have been working on a post of my experiences with these guys--from Calif to Georgia. Sometimes they do approach youngish girls. And no meth was involved. But the thumb-sucking is a new one!
Bravo to you for going to the police. You did good.
OK, I want to think he wouldn't do it if Mia were there (I'm crazy optimistic), but if she were: you would have taught her not to be a victim. That he's a perv because something's messed up with him, and that she doesn't have to put up with that mess. You'd teach her not to react too strongly.
ReplyDeleteThere was a guy who'd go around jacking off in front of little girls when I was in elementary school, and my friends and I talked about how we'd hurt him if he tried anything with us! And I also realized - if he's not touching me, he's not hurting me. I didn't know anything about sex then, but I knew enough to walk away from a mess.
You do what you gotta do, and you'll teach Mia to do what she's gotta do.
My stints (working) in the psych hospital and nursing home have obviously desensitized me to this behavior. In my desensitized state I would suggest you get one of those "God Kills A Kitten Every Time You Masturbate" signs for the next time you see him. You can either hold it up or smack him with it. I'd think it would be easy to get the first shot in, or would that be off? Anyway, a guy who's furiously sucking his thumb and rubbing one out wouldn't have a free appendage to defend himself.
ReplyDeleteEven though I'm hug challenged, I'd offer you one right now. And I wouldn't even touch myself. Until maybe later :o)
oh gosh Michelle, I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. I'm really glad you got pissed and went to the police. Thumb sucking creep. Ugh. Sundays in my city alright. Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteI actually had something like this happen when I was in 6th grade - a man pulled up to me and my bff Amy as we were walking just a block from the school and asked us for directions, but he said it really quietly and asked us to come closer and so we leaned down and started talking into the passenger window and found the guy wasn't wearing pants and most definitely had an erect (albeit small-ha!) penis. We just called him a freak and crossed the road quickly and went to school. I think people who do these things just like to see the reaction and are probably mostly harmless.
ReplyDeleteEspecially the thumb suckers...cause they are too messed up to cause physical harm I would guess.
Oh- and it didn't scar either of us and when I mentioned it a decade and a half later, she actually had no recollection of it!
Ewwww. Be careful, even in mama bear mode.
ReplyDeleteI somehow missed this post. This could only happen to you or ME, Michelle. Laugh.
ReplyDeleteLove you so.
OMG. That happened to me when I was in junior high... Same thing, dude stopped his car next to me asking where something was and as I was answering I noticed he had it out and was stroking it. First time I ever saw one... it was pretty traumatic. As soon as he saw that I saw what he was doing, he drove off pretty fast.
ReplyDelete