thanksgiving 2010

All week month I've been trying to cultivate conjure gratitude

It has not been easy.

Not only has is it not been easy to not feel grateful see all that negativity but it's even more uncomfortable knowing that I'm not feelin the love.

Before prozac I was painfully aware of all things wonderful in my life.

I was even more painfully aware of my inability to FEEL the wonderfulness.

Then the cloud was lifted the veil pulled away the scales fell from my eyes

and I saw the light

Can I hear an amen sistah?

Well. Once a body truly experiences gratitude and thankfulness and contentment and maybe possibly just a wee bit of joy it really sucks to go back.

Recently I've been Discontent. Edgy. Wanting. Lacking.

Feeling these things in the heart and the body when the mind knows everything is

SO FUCKING GOOD really sucks donkey balls.

*****

A few weeks ago, I was all in a confused tizzy.

I went to yoga to stop my head from popping off. I hung out after class with Yogini Shannon.

I was am in a

what the fuck am I doing? what the fuck am I thinking? what is my problem?

I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm thinking what is my fucking problem?

kind of space

Yogini Shannon looked at me and said your MOM died

And BANG
A flash of light woke me up.
I looked at her and kind of laughed as I burst into tears

my MOM died

FUCK

Shannon saw me and hugged me and felt me dissolve as I sobbed on her shoulder

Oh my GOD Shannon, my MOM died

She said it was like watching a blister pop. She said it was radical.

Michelle, you still have to GRIEVE.

Fuck me

*****

Since then I've been having weird dreams about my folks.

A dream that we're arranging for them to move to a new place and I'm worried my dad will decompensate and

IN THE DREAM I realize he's already dead and I don't have to worry about him.

In the dream I feel relief and gratitude he's already dead he won't suffer anymore thank god he already died

And dreams of my mom. One of her being very present but not being able to speak to me.

And last night an oddly reassuring dream. We were all lined up in a bed head to foot like sardines she loved sardines on saltines or enslaved africans crossing the ocean. I could feel her lying cool and dead on my right and it was ok.

Then energy infused her body and I felt it warm up next to mine and she was alive. Her hand reached for mine and squeezed it it's ok but I could feel her fingertips were still cold despite the warmth coming from her body.

And the coolness of her hand told me it was temporary and then she was gone.

*****

So today is Thanksgiving. I think it was Her favorite holiday. We'll stand in a circle at Sister Halona's and I will remember that last Thanksgiving I stood next to Her, her cool left hand in my right. I will remember that Ted announced there would be a new family member at the next Thanksgiving and I will remember that my mom kept looking at me in disbelief and I was aggravated by her and I will remember saying don't look at me I'm not the one who's pregnant.

But that was before I understood.

And today there is one less and one more.

A new baby is in our circle. A baby she tried to wait for.

*****

I don't know. I'm feeling so off balance and I'm having to re-examine so much.

I just want a more peaceful heart.