"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Thursday, November 25, 2010

thanksgiving 2010

All week month I've been trying to cultivate conjure gratitude

It has not been easy.

Not only has is it not been easy to not feel grateful
see all that negativity but it's even more uncomfortable knowing that I'm not feelin the love.

Before prozac I was painfully aware of all things wonderful in my life.
I was even more painfully aware of my inability to FEEL the wonderfulness.

Then the cloud was lifted the veil pulled away the scales fell from my eyes
and I saw the light

Can I hear an amen sistah?

Well. Once a body truly experiences gratitude and thankfulness and contentment and maybe possibly just a wee bit of joy it really sucks to go back.

Recently I've been Discontent. Edgy. Wanting. Lacking.

Feeling these things in the heart and the body when the mind knows everything is
SO FUCKING GOOD really sucks donkey balls.


A few weeks ago, I was all in a confused tizzy.
I went to yoga to stop my head from popping off. I hung out after class with Yogini Shannon.
I was am in a
what the fuck am I doing? what the fuck am I thinking? what is my problem?
I don't know what I'm doing I don't know what I'm thinking what is my fucking problem?
kind of space

Yogini Shannon looked at me and said your MOM died

A flash of light woke me up.
I looked at her and kind of laughed as I burst into tears

my MOM died


Shannon saw me and hugged me and felt me dissolve as I sobbed on her shoulder

Oh my GOD Shannon, my MOM died

She said it was like watching a blister pop. She said it was radical.
Michelle, you still have to GRIEVE.

Fuck me


Since then I've been having weird dreams about my folks.

A dream that we're arranging for them to move to a new place and I'm worried my dad will decompensate and
IN THE DREAM I realize he's already dead and I don't have to worry about him.
In the dream I feel relief and gratitude he's already dead he won't suffer anymore thank god he already died

And dreams of my mom. One of her being very present but not being able to speak to me.
And last night an oddly reassuring dream. We were all lined up in a bed head to foot like sardines she loved sardines on saltines or enslaved africans crossing the ocean. I could feel her lying cool and dead on my right and it was ok.
Then energy infused her body and I felt it warm up next to mine and she was alive. Her hand reached for mine and squeezed it it's ok but I could feel her fingertips were still cold despite the warmth coming from her body.
And the coolness of her hand told me it was temporary and then she was gone.


So today is Thanksgiving. I think it was Her favorite holiday. We'll stand in a circle at Sister Halona's and I will remember that last Thanksgiving I stood next to Her, her cool left hand in my right. I will remember that Ted announced there would be a new family member at the next Thanksgiving and I will remember that my mom kept looking at me in disbelief and I was aggravated by her and I will remember saying don't look at me I'm not the one who's pregnant.

But that was before I understood.

And today there is one less and one more.
A new baby is in our circle. A baby she tried to wait for.


I don't know. I'm feeling so off balance and I'm having to re-examine so much.

I just want a more peaceful heart.


  1. Wow, that was powerful. Oh my gosh, the last dream! I'm wishing you a peaceful heart Michelle, today especially. Happy Thanksgiving.

  2. My dreams of my dead loved ones are not peaceful or comforting. I wish they were.
    I wish you had a peaceful heart, Michelle. Your mother would want you to. I know she would.
    Sending so much love...M

  3. Oh, Michelle. You're such a beautiful woman with the biggest dang heart. You will balance out again. You will.

    Happy Thanksgiving -- I'm thankful that I know you in some small way.

  4. You know the stages of grieving, flow with them. Let yourself be unsettled because you are, you are now for the first time "seeing" that she is not here, that she is gone and that your life will never be the same because of it. Don't fight it or ignore it. I believe that is the reason why your heart is not peaceful. Wrap yourself in her death and begin anew to be one with her spirit, as once you were one with her flesh.

    It took me twenty years to finally truly fall apart after I lost a child and to cry for my Mother in a way I was unable to cry for her
    before. Once that happened all that was making me "unfeel" the world, my life and those who loved me, fell apart like some old walls that could no longer hold the weight of my denial. Don't wait that long, let yourself feel the pain and loneliness, and once they are accepted within you, slowly you will once again rejoice in the fact that you knew her, that she gave you and that now she is a part of the Universe and you will find her everywhere if you allow yourself to look.

    Wishing you peace, love and Light and all the things that in this world of noise just bring music to the spirit.

  5. Does it help to know that she no longer suffers with pain? At least, that's what gets me through the days.

    Holidays in my family are weird, too. It's like we still haven't figured out how to "do" them now that my mom is gone. Of course, she was unavailable several years before her death do to her illness, so the holidays have been haphazard for awhile. Still, her loss is always felt.

  6. You always stun me. Your writing hits me at the core.

    Grieve, lady. Doesn't it feel good to pop that blister? And horrible? But so necessary.


  7. Well, I can only reiterate what others have said-you have to wade through the messy, ugly emotions in order to that peaceful heart. I can't speak for you but I know for ME, when my mom goes (in a long time, I hope) I will not only have to grieve the loss itself but also sort through the horrible stuff (you know our relationship is colored by all sorts of ugly childhood/adulthood heartaches), and it will be like grievinf a lifetime of loss. Just-thank god for prozac and people who love you, and just let yourself feel what you feel. I send hugs.

  8. That's an amazing dream. So much part of the process.

    And just amazing writing. xoxo

  9. This really moved me. I wish you peace today...

    I'm going to link this up on Saturday. Okay?

  10. Michelle, I'm wishing you peace. I'm still looking for my own kilter since my Dad died. I think it's strange that as introspective as I am, I have no idea how I really work on an emotional level. It takes a long time to figure it out and let myself feel my feelings. I'm a control freak with baggage I'm trying to ignore, so it's all more complicated than it should be. I'm hoping things get less complicated for you. It's good you popped that blister. Now put some salve on it and let it begin to heal. Be nice to yourself, OK?
    Your writing just blows me away. I'm so grateful you put it out there for us to share.

  11. this made me feel like crying. to accept the brutal reality of death when it's so close is a hard job for mind and heart. keep sharing with us. i'm sending love to you. xoxox

  12. And I wish you peace, babe. You are loved.


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.