"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

scary mommy

Who's the Scariest Mommy?


Jill at Scary Mommy is hosting a cut throat chew em up n spit em out contest.
If you know me, leave a comment saying how I really am scary and it's not just that I want the cool video camera prize. If you don't leave a comment I'll hunt you down.
Thank you. Have a nice day.

This Scary Mommy has something to say:

on working outside the home

I work because I like to. Not every day. Cause I do really like being home with my kids. Just not every day. I like my job cause I can pee when I need to without someone coming in, or sliding a permission slip under the door, or calling from the other bathroom mommy can you wipe me?

I also like work cause it gives me an excuse to take a shower.

I choose to work 12 hour days cause there's no freakin way I'm gonna see 50 patients then come home and have to deal with homework, dinner, and bedtime forget baths. No. Freakin. Way.

Right. So at the job I give moms the standard he can't go back to school, daycare, whatever until he's fever free for 24 hours. Meanwhile I tell my kids take the motrin and don't tell the school nurse you have a sore throat. I'll bring home some amoxicillin.

on having a 12 year old
aka how to mortify your kid

My oldest is like a perfect kid. No really. Every year his teachers whisper he's my favorite student ever. He's polite at school and has a kick ass sense of humor and is on the honor roll and I've never had to ask him did you do your homework? So when I perceive an injustice is being dealt my extraordinarily perfect messiah-like son, I rant and stomp and threaten I'm gonna send an email. cause emails are the chicken shit way out Mom please don't email the teacher. I'll have to live with it every day. The teacher will take it out on me. doubtful It's bad enough you're "doctor michelle" nurse practitioner for the vice principals' kids.
So I just eat it.

on teaching my children to honor the planet and conserve
aka being cheap

After spending 260$ on roto rooter to root out our 112 year old pipes, a process which caused the entire block to smell like a busted sewage line and sprayed yucky stinky black goo all over the bathroom, I suggested we just run the goo covered toothbrushes through the dishwasher rather than buying new ones.
Those toothbrushes were only a week old.

on teaching my children how to be considerate of others
aka how to be the scariest mom on Main St.

While walking down Main St, we see a charming scary young thug hop off his bike, leave it in the middle of the sidewalk, and go into the pizzaria. Leaving his abandoned bike right in our path. Jack says Mom just walk around it. NO WAY I bang on the pizzaria window, get the kid's attention and give him my best raised eyebrow super mean mommy look. Well. He hops right on out sorry ma'am and moves his bike.

on teaching my children that we're a family and we've got each other's backs
aka kicking ass

When Mia was 5 a big 11 year old was bullying Ty, then 6, on the playground. She put her hand on her hip and gave her best in your face ghetto head wag and said don't you be mean to my brother. That 11 year old totally backed down.
That's my girl

on teaching my children patience and respect
aka don't bug me when I'm on the phone or blogging

Is there blood or fire?
No, Mommy.
Don't interrupt me unless there's blood or fire.

on trust

Ty vomited last week in the cafeteria. He NEVER vomits. I picked him up and brought him home, and he proceeded to eat the entire contents of our refrigerator. hmmmm... The next morning he woke me up and said mommy I just threw up again. hmmm... he looked ok... sniff... he smelled ok. Come closer honey, open wide. I stuck my nose in his mouth. No pukey smell. hmmm...

on food glorious food
aka how to encourage eating disorders in your children

Ty could spout the sins of high fructose corn syrup. Mia looked at me like I had 2 heads when I tried to explain why local organic cow meat means a better life for the cows than conventional cow meat. But mommy, the cows still get their head chopped off. Jack asks why can't we just eat normal food? Well. I let them eat school lunches. But they know it's only cause I'm too damn lazy and tired to make lunches every morning.

I've been known to give my kids apple pie a la mode for dinner. Dinner. Not dessert. What?! Homemade apple pie. Organic and vegetarian. I figure they get fruit servings and the crust might as well be pasta, right? And ice cream equals dairy.

And they still don't see they're the luckiest kids with the coolest mom in town. harumpf

on not squelching creativity

This summer Mia made a remarkably pornographic but completely innocent sand sculpture. Wanna see? click here. Jack was like jeez mom why didn't you destroy it? What if people SEE? I couldn't knock down her sand castle. It was her creation. I couldn't hang it on the refrigerator, so I left it for all to admire.

On personal responsibility and honesty
aka trying to scare the pants off them

Fine. Eat all the Halloween candy at one time. We have an appointment with the dentist next Tuesday.

Fine. You're sick? If you're sick you might need a strep test. Or a blood test.
This threat is basically unspoken and always on their radar. They know where I work. They say I come home smelling like shots and finger pokes.
oooh entirely too scary.

on the really scary shit
aka is my kid broken?
aaka am I a good mom?

I used to drive two hours once a week and pay out of shallow pocket to take Jack to an awesome dysfluency specialist. I did this to help the above mentioned extraordinarily perfect messiah-like son deal with his pretty significant stutter. I did it hoping that as he gets older, having a stutter won't define him, or limit him, or dim the bright joyful light in his eyes. Then a year into therapy we chose to move to a place where there is no awesome dysfluency specialist. So I hold my breath and watch the light in his eyes and hope it will all be OK

Knowing my 7 year old will probably at some point be diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And trying to figure out if the best thing for her is a pill now. Cause now she struggles. And the world is a heavy place for her. And is it fair that a 7 year old should struggle because of her genes and brain chemistry? But a pill? She's only seven. So I hold my breath and watch for the sadness and hope it will all be OK

Who's the scariest mom? I sing
You are Jack sings back


  1. Don't forget ladies.
    Tell them how SCARY I am.
    hee hee

  2. That was one of the best posts ever. In fact, I might even say, scary good."
    I said the same thing to my kids- do not interrupt unless someone is bleeding or on fire. Ha! Must be in the genetic Mother's Handbook.
    And I used to give my kids strawberry shortcake for dinner when the berries were fresh. They grew up and remember that as one of the coolest things EVER! Yours will remember your pie the same way.
    Great post.

  3. Ah, you scare the hell out of me. Because compared to you I totally suck at this parenting gig. Totally.

    Though even better than pie ala mode is...well, I can't htink of anything better, actually. :)

  4. This was an A+++ post! You have a great mix of being in touch with your kids without losing yourself.

    And in our house, banana splits totally rock for supper every now and then.

  5. I have to agree, that was a scarily magnificent post. I love knowing you, and I miss seeing you. And you were a lot scarier when you couldn't post these scary posts and were scarily silent about scary stuff :-)

  6. Scary fucking awesome you are!

    The toothbrushes? OMG I see myself in that. Frugality vs. germophobia? Who will win the battle?

    Scary, scary - even to random strangers. Awesome.

  7. Hey- here's another way you're scary- you tell your kids to JUST EAT IT which is the same exact thing Michelle Obama told kids gathered at the White House yesterday. Did you hear that? It was great. She was saying, "We don't want to hear you whine about eating your vegetables. Okay? So JUST EAT IT!"
    I cracked up. I wonder if she reads your blog.

  8. Well done!

    Thank you for the link to the sand sculpture. I missed it the first time around and it cracked me up.

  9. Oooooo! You are SO SCARY!!!! If you were a movie you would only be allowed to play late at night when there were no children around to see. If you were a house kids would dare each other to ring your bell. Maybe I'll go as you for Halloween! Scary scary creepy time gal mommy.

  10. This post was fantastic!!! And homemade apple pie for dinner? Can you be my mother? :)

  11. I loved this over and over again and again. This was a great piece of writing that had me laughing and shaking my head because I identified so well with a lot of it!

  12. You are scary as hell, my scary friend. [Trembling.] Stellar post.


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.