I'm having trouble sleeping for a variety of reasons.
I wake up at 2 or 4 and my brain starts ticking and then it's all over.
This too shall pass
These early mornings have become my favorite time of the day. The kids are asleep.
I can read or write or whatever with a cup of coffee and have a moment's peace before the mayhem begins.
I used to love working 12 hr days, if only for the reason that by the time I got home, the Who's would be all a snooze and I'd have a window of alone time before Bruce got home.
A home full of sleeping babies is a wondrous thing.
But now they're Big.
The boys are still up when I walk in the door. They feel the need to catch up on 12 hours without Mom for which I should be thankful i am but I really just want to curl up in bed with some hot wings and a fizzy drink. So at 10 and 13, they still want to tell me about their days, are tempted to follow me into the bathroom when I go to pee they refrain, and want good night hugs.
There are worse things.
Mia, thankfully is usually conked out.
So these early I can't sleep there's too much shit in my head and only half my brain is working mornings are lovely in a way.
I put the insanely gorgeous children picture back up cause it makes me happy.
They are insanely gorgeous. It makes my heart hurt.
They're also awesome and miraculous.
I started reading The Lovely Bones. I've refused to read it for years.
I can handle Dead Kids better than most but there are certain things I can't do.
I can't watch Precious.
The scene in Beloved when Oprah's character is raped by the slave owner and his sons?
Can't do that either.
The girl in Utah. The girl in the tent in the crazy guy's back yard.
Can't do that shit. Makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Which is weird cause before we were cable-less I was totally junked out on Law and Order SVU.
Bruce used to come home and say chica how can you watch this it's so disturbing.
I guess some things seem fake and some things seem are real.
SVU? Hot cops, lots of drama, so not real.
The other stuff? Entirely too real. That's the problem.
So. The Lovely Bones. A good read.
But it's made me paranoid.
I give my kids a pretty long leash. I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to make my kids afraid.
I don't want to think there are dangerous predators around every corner.
Even if there are.
I remember being free as a kid. Out all day in the summer. Wandering in the woods for hours.
You know what I'm talking about.
CPS might totally nail me with "lack of supervision" if given the opportunity, but I want my kids to have as much of that sense of freedom as they possibly can.
Still, it's hard to explain to Mia why she can't go to the park without her brothers, or have a sleepover at just any friend's house.
You know what I mean.
So yesterday morning, Jack leaves for school a few minutes late.
I see him sprint down the block and think god he's so fucking handsome and graceful just like my dad
30 seconds later, I see a gray sedan with BEACON CITY SCHOOLS on the side panel drive by.
We've lived in this town for 6 years. My kids have gone to these schools for 6 years.
I don't ever recall seeing what essentially looks like an unmarked police car claiming to belong to the school district.
Our school budgets never pass the first time around. The district has no money.
School district cars?
Fuck you Lovely Bones. Fuck you for making by brain visit Creepdom at 7:30 in the morning.
What would Jack do if he's running late for school and a car claiming BEACON CITY SCHOOLS pulls up and a guy with weird facial hair wearing a hat and sunglasses says hey, son, wanna ride to the middle school? i'm on my way there
Thank god for texting
Me: U ok? Just got this weird feeling. Txt me back
Me: Sorry.paranoid mom stuff. So not like me. saw a plain grey car with beacon city school district on the side and thought someone was goin all lovely bones on us
Jack: Stop reading that book -_-
All right. Sun is up. Kids are up. Me time is up.
ps. Jack just told me the district has had those cars for 3 years to transport kids to out of district schools.
Cars. Cheaper than buses.
The Board of Ed is now saved from a crazy paranoid email from a crazy paranoid mom
the Universe is Abundant