I'm having trouble sleeping for a variety of reasons.
I wake up at 2 or 4 and my brain starts ticking and then it's all over.
This too shall pass
*****
These early mornings have become my favorite time of the day. The kids are asleep.
I can read or write or whatever with a cup of coffee and have a moment's peace before the mayhem begins.
I used to love working 12 hr days, if only for the reason that by the time I got home, the Who's would be all a snooze and I'd have a window of alone time before Bruce got home.
A home full of sleeping babies is a wondrous thing.
But now they're Big.
The boys are still up when I walk in the door. They feel the need to catch up on 12 hours without Mom for which I should be thankful i am but I really just want to curl up in bed with some hot wings and a fizzy drink. So at 10 and 13, they still want to tell me about their days, are tempted to follow me into the bathroom when I go to pee they refrain, and want good night hugs.
There are worse things.
Mia, thankfully is usually conked out.
So these early I can't sleep there's too much shit in my head and only half my brain is working mornings are lovely in a way.
*****
I put the insanely gorgeous children picture back up cause it makes me happy.
They are insanely gorgeous. It makes my heart hurt.
They're also awesome and miraculous.
Just sayin'.
*****
I started reading The Lovely Bones. I've refused to read it for years.
I can handle Dead Kids better than most but there are certain things I can't do.
I can't watch Precious.
The scene in Beloved when Oprah's character is raped by the slave owner and his sons?
Can't do that either.
The girl in Utah. The girl in the tent in the crazy guy's back yard.
Can't do that shit. Makes me feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Which is weird cause before we were cable-less I was totally junked out on Law and Order SVU.
Bruce used to come home and say chica how can you watch this it's so disturbing.
I guess some things seem fake and some things seem are real.
SVU? Hot cops, lots of drama, so not real.
The other stuff? Entirely too real. That's the problem.
So. The Lovely Bones. A good read.
But it's made me paranoid.
I give my kids a pretty long leash. I refuse to live in fear. I refuse to make my kids afraid.
I don't want to think there are dangerous predators around every corner.
Even if there are.
I remember being free as a kid. Out all day in the summer. Wandering in the woods for hours.
You know what I'm talking about.
CPS might totally nail me with "lack of supervision" if given the opportunity, but I want my kids to have as much of that sense of freedom as they possibly can.
Still, it's hard to explain to Mia why she can't go to the park without her brothers, or have a sleepover at just any friend's house.
You know what I mean.
So yesterday morning, Jack leaves for school a few minutes late.
I see him sprint down the block and think god he's so fucking handsome and graceful just like my dad
30 seconds later, I see a gray sedan with BEACON CITY SCHOOLS on the side panel drive by.
????
We've lived in this town for 6 years. My kids have gone to these schools for 6 years.
I don't ever recall seeing what essentially looks like an unmarked police car claiming to belong to the school district.
Fuck.
Our school budgets never pass the first time around. The district has no money.
School district cars?
Fuck you Lovely Bones. Fuck you for making by brain visit Creepdom at 7:30 in the morning.
What would Jack do if he's running late for school and a car claiming BEACON CITY SCHOOLS pulls up and a guy with weird facial hair wearing a hat and sunglasses says hey, son, wanna ride to the middle school? i'm on my way there
Fuck
Thank god for texting
Me: U ok? Just got this weird feeling. Txt me back
Jack: Hi?
Me: Sorry.paranoid mom stuff. So not like me. saw a plain grey car with beacon city school district on the side and thought someone was goin all lovely bones on us
Jack: Stop reading that book -_-
*****
All right. Sun is up. Kids are up. Me time is up.
Happy Tuesday
ps. Jack just told me the district has had those cars for 3 years to transport kids to out of district schools.
Cars. Cheaper than buses.
The Board of Ed is now saved from a crazy paranoid email from a crazy paranoid mom
the Universe is Abundant
oh Michelle, you always make me laugh. The text with Jack is so perfect. Love how you used Lovely Bones as a verb and Jack knew just what you meant. Most kids have no idea what their mother is reading. I'm with him, stay away from that stuff that disturbs you, especially right now mama!
ReplyDeleteI think most predators live within the house or at least are related one way or another. In my experience, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI read that book. I will not watch the movie. No.
You are a GOOD mama and those children are lights of love in this universe.
So sorry about the sleep disruption. It will only fuel the paranoia! There are some books that although were good reads I wish I hadn't read and Lovely Bones is one of them. I've read every true crime/serial killer book on the library shelves, but that was before kids. Now, I can have a panic attack wondering if random psycho is going to try to get one of my babies.
ReplyDeleteI keep wondering if they should take self defense classes, carry pepper spray, that kind of thing. Not yet, but maybe before they go off to college. What did I do before I turned worrying into a vocation?
My babies don't sleep much anymore and I can't stay awake like I used to. Some nights, I just want them to go to bed, please, so I hear you.
I'm glad you put the gorgeous photo back up, it's my favorite. I'm glad you have some quiet time to gather your thoughts and share them.
Hugs.
I can't sleep exactly right myself these days. Weird. But I'm not manic. I think it was just Christmas. It was fine this year but Logan was absent and that really worked me over more than I'd like to admit.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading again. I stopped for a long time but I've been trying to ease back into it and television, if you can believe it. I read Lovely Bones a few years ago. I couldn't put it down. But Lord knows, I can't watch Titanic at all.
Better to be paranoid than sorry.
ReplyDeleteyou are so right (back by popular demand)...their beauty sinks into each and every pour like honey soaking into clouds.
ReplyDeleteyou have a way of writing that feels as if we have been talking forever.
could share anything.
even the dark side of
a sleepless night.
this alone makes you a gift...
That book was gut-wrenching. Thank goodness for technology like texting so you could reach right out to Jack.
ReplyDeleteI remember liking that book. But I'm with you. I can't pay attention to, or read about that sort of thing. At all. It freaks me out, and it hits too close to home due to all the work I do w/ trauma history kids. Ack.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have some peace in the morning. Makes me feel like I should try getting up earlier (usually 5:15).
Also - Hi Darcie!! (friend right up above in your comments)
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteI read the book and saw the movie. It scared the crap out of me. The movie, in this rare case, was nearly as good as the book.
You are absolutely right to watch over the kids closely. If I had kids, I certainly would. Sadly, the world is not like it was when we were kids.
You have been in my thoughts. I love you.
Happy New Year!
SB
I can't handle that kind of thing either. They are insanely gorgeous. I also have the paranoid plus long leash thing going. Mindfulness can help get you back to sleep if you so wish. But the alone time sounds too wonderful by far to miss out on.
ReplyDeleteMy twin girls were born just before Elizabeth Smart was abducted. I was crazed with the thought of someone taking them. Or perhaps just taking one, as if I had been blessed with one too many (Raising Arizona).
ReplyDeleteI went insane for the first few months in a paranoid state of mind, sleeping on the floor near their cribs. All I can say is - girlfriend, never stop questioning those cars or friendly looking people walking up your street because these sick bastards are really good at what they do.
You did the right thing. You were wise to question those cars. I loved Jack's response to your text. I love it when my kids think I've gone to far. It means we are on the right track.
Listen to the sounds from your heart and to your own words - the universe is abundant - and ALWAYS trust your instincts.
I am doing the early morning thing now too. It has made such a difference in how I view my day.
ReplyDeleteBefore kids, I read it all. I used to teach units on the Holocaust and slept just fine. Now, with kids, it's real. I can't even go there.
I will never watch Precious. Too hard.
I owe you a TON of comments, and a bunch of love to cover my holiday and vacation-induced silence. The short version? I read you on my phone and constantly think about how much I love you, admire you as a person, a mother, and mostly as A WRITER. You're a gift, and your writing is a stream of gifts. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteLove, love,
Angie at Eat Here
Hi Michelle, first time here and I can see I will be back! Fun blog, totally agree it's a straaaaange world we're living in these days.
ReplyDeleteI loved that book. Even though it broke my heart.
ReplyDeleteI'll never see the movie.
I never watch the news. Or read the paper. Ever.
Gorg*/e*ous kids.
ReplyDeleteI can't do books about dead, kid+
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last comment courtesy of Boy playing on my laptop while I checked on breakfast....
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, dead, kidnapped, and especially custody issues/custodial kidnapping stuff freaks me out. Can't do it.
the lovely bones text cracked me up. of course, I kept myself & my son paranoid while he was young. I'm texting him stuff like that now while he's in southeast asia, LMAO
ReplyDelete