"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Expired Patient: Part IIl
So if you need the backstory go here for Part l and here for Part ll.
A few days ago Brandon's baby brother Christopher popped into my head. I haven't spoken to mom since the evening she came to see me after I found out Brandon had died. The last time I saw Christopher, he was brought by his grandparents.
After all these years I know that when a patient randomly pops into my head in THAT way, I'm gonna be seeing them real soon.
So I get to the office this morning and there's a phone message from Brandon's/Christopher's mom regarding some medication he was prescribed. And though these random or not so random premonitions are pretty reliable, I still find myself thinking wow that's so fuckin weird I was just thinking about her.
I'm reminded of her every day. Brandon's funeral card is in a basket on my dresser. Every single morning I see it as I'm putting on deodorant or choosing earrings and every single morning I think of her. But this other kind of thinking about comes from the outside and knocks me upside my head with no warning.
So baby brother Christopher was in the office twice yesterday and in the ER last night.
Half the little ones in the county have it. Easy peasy. It's ok. Not too serious. It just sounds bad.
But Mom was worried.
Now I've known this mom for 14 years. She is not a worrier.
Even when Baby Brandon got his chest cut open, she did not freak out.
But can you imagine your favorite child dying? It's ok don't feel guilty we all have a favorite.
And then can you imagine how astoundingly terrifying it must be when your remaining child is ill?
The fear of randomly losing another child must be overwhelming.
I could see how it might fuck a usually chill mom up to the point of 2 office visits and a trip to the ER within a 12 hour period.
So I called her.
She sounded good
I said are you ok?
She said she was good, and then told me about baby Christopher.
I reassured her. She felt better. Oh thank you michelle I feel so much better now that I've talked to you you saved him i wouldn't have had him for 13 years you took away his pain
I asked again are you ok?
Yes. I'm ok. You know today was Brandon's birthday so I went to the cemetery my sister came with me and I said what I needed to say to him and I cried a little but I'm ok.
And I understood why this extraordinary mom had been in a panic over her sick baby. It was the day before her dead son's birthday.
I told her where I keep Brandon's funeral card.
I told her that I think of them both EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Because I do.
Oh my god michelle thank you thank you so much that's so beautiful thank you
hail mary full of grace
Now although this wackadoo synchronistic shit happens all the time, especially with patients who are dug deep into my heart, part of me is still astounded when it does.
And I am left knowing again that my patients do far more for me than I do for them.
"it occurred to me that the only real sin you can commit as a mother is to deny your children's right to be who they are and what they want to be and that the only real sin you can commit against yourself is to deny who you truly are and prevent yourself from being who that is"