Fantasy vs. Reality.
It's a load of bullshit.
I've been caught off guard by remarkable sadness this weekend. Profound loneliness.
It's short lived and a fully reasonable way to feel in the midst of the Unbloggable.
But the feelings still caught me by surprise.
I'm a Big Girl.
I have a good job and a good paycheck.
I have my kids.
I have my friends.
I have my family.
I have blessings and miracles in my life too numerous to count.
So how, even for a minute, can I feel so alone?
Fantasy vs. Reality
The Fantasy was that I was in a partnership. That I had someone to lean on.
That I wasn't doing it all on my own.
A long time ago, that was the Reality. And it was awesome.
But for quite a while now, the Reality has been that I'm flying solo.
Maybe that's not accurate.
Maybe that's not really how it is was.
But that's how it feels felt.
That's my perception.
So when I get slammed by feelings of fear and inadequacy how can I do this on my own? I have to get a grip on myself and say ummmm.... excuse me.... nothing much has changed in terms of your day to day life, michelle. It's pretty much the same as it's been for a long time.
But now it has a label.
Single Mom again
Don't get me wrong. This isn't a pity party. You know that's not the way I roll.
This is me telling myself to suck it the fuck up
It all depends on how you look at it. Right?
It's just a perception.
Like last week's Snowmageddon II.
The snow did not make me happy.
Though it did provide a snow day, giving me 10 days straight home with the kids.
A mixed blessing to say the least.
I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow.
So. Snowmageddon. The storm brought me the opportunity for a Reality Check.
The Fantasy being: I'm an Awesome Mom
The Reality being: I Suck.
Why do I suck?
Because every year I wait until the first really big snowstorm hits to outfit my ever growing children with new snowboots and appropriate snow gear. And then we can't get to the store because we're in the midst of a really big snowstorm.
Wailing and gnashing of teeth ensue because dammit mom it's snowing and we want to go sledding and our boots from last year don't fit this year.
So. It's all how you look @ it.
Alter the perception.
My kids have gigantor feet. I'm a 9. Ty's feet are the same size as mine. Mia is a size smaller. Jack is a size bigger.
A Sucky Mom would NEVER let her kids wear her Most Special Boots sledding.
But an AWESOME Mom would.
fleece lined black leather uggs
Sorel Joan of Arcs
brown leather furry Earth boots
3 sets of mommy boots
fitting 3 kids with
really big feet
All of a sudden, I don't suck anymore. And the kids can go sledding.*
So when the Reality of Separated and Single Mom sneaks up and kicks me in my ass I realize that it's only my perception that's changed. The Reality is the same as it's always been.
And the only reality is... it's not so hard to re-frame an idea and change a perception.
I do what I do.
I go to work.
I take care of my kids.
I take care of me.
That's my Reality.
That's my Life.
It's full and intense and makes my heart swell.
I kinda like it that way.
Fantasy is where the magic lives.
Fantasy is the smattering of bubbles that float through my days.
Little bubbles of happiness just for me.
Bubbles that touch my heart with magic and hope and light.
Bubbles impervious to stress and time and homework and dishes.
Bubbles to remind me that life is not all work and kids.
Bubbles to remind me that life is a miracle.
Bubbles where the sky is so fucking blue and the leaves are so fucking green that it makes my eyes hurt.
Bubbles where namaste lives.
Blogland is a bubble.
A place of questionable Reality which is oh so real because it's where our hearts are.
My job brings me bubbles.
Babies are magic. Sick kids are magic.
I look in their eyes as I do my thing and feel the magic. they call me the Baby Whisperer
I look in their eyes and they look in mine and I see the eyes of my Ganesh looking back at me.
So they say the thing about Fantasy is that it's not real. It's not attainable. It's naive.
It's NOT REALITY.
It's all about perception. It's all how you look at it.
It's about making things happen and seeing the magic.
There are so many magical things in our lives. Anything is possible.
Miracles happen every day.
20 years ago, I started seeing Miracles. Seeing Magic. I saw Fantasy kick Reality in it's ass.
You can read about it here.
Ms. Moon made me think about it when I read this. `
So. I believe that anything is possible. Anything is attainable.
We can make miracles for ourselves.
We can make a bubble of magic and light and joy.
*ok. So I didn't really let all 3 kids wear wear all 3 of my most prized and special footwear.
J saved my Sucky Mom Ass with boots for the boys.
Mia wore the Joan of Arcs.
She looked damn cool.
But I WOULD HAVE let them do it. That counts for something, right?