getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Monday, January 17, 2011

More Early Morning Ramblings


So it's not that early. The sun is coming up. The kids are still asleep.

We all have the day off. I will try to listen to BAI's daylong tribute to Dr. King.
They always do a good one.

I've been away from blogland this week. I haven't even read very much.
There's too much going on in my head and I'm distracted and restless.

Ah lah.

It's all good, though. Nothing too crazy. Just a whole lot of intensity.

And a whole lot of Unbloggable

I'm single. For good.

I've been through far worse. This is OK. Really not bad at all.
It's almost good in a really masochistic fucked up kinda way just kidding
It's actually liberating. I feel a sense of freedom that I've never felt before.
But I continue to ask for understanding and clarity and for the obstacles to be removed.
I try not to push and plow through in order to get what I think I want.
I remind myself to breathe and un-hunch my shoulders and stop clenching my teeth.
Cause that shit's giving me a goddam headache.
Breathe.

For the most part, it's working.

I've been in a fully committed relationship for almost 20 years.
And more than half of it was so unbelievably awesome.
We thought we were invincible. We thought we'd grow old together.
We thought we'd retire and spend our golden years driving around the country in a winnebago.

Seriously. That's what we thought.
We never ever dreamed that life and genetics and brain chemistry could sneak up on us and knock us on our asses and change us to the point that there could be no more Winnebago Dream. No more Chica and Brucie

But we've always been solid solid solid Friends. Really good friends.
Can Tell almost Anything To friends.
We know each other really well.

We are friends again still. And it hasn't taken years to get here. Only weeks.

the Universe is Abundant

Nancy at Away We Go wrote a beautiful piece about The Smog in our lives.

We are the blessed ones for whom the smog illuminates.

Listen to Dr. King today if you get a chance. Streaming on wBAI.org.



17 comments:

  1. Good morning M. Thanks for the link. I was needing something like that today.

    This broke my heart. I can't even imagine what it's doing to yours. But you astound me with your wisdom and strength.
    Thinking of you, and him too.

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  2. Good morning and yes, thank you for the link.

    Sigh to the rest of it. I'm sorry -- love and peace and all that. You are strong. I send you hugs and more love. Strength and courage.

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  3. OMeffn'G!!! I'm so sorry. Maintaining a friendly relationship with your ex will be good for your kids, though. Just be good to yourself first. A happy mama is a good mama.

    BTW, I must have missed that post from Nancy. It's beautiful!

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  4. You're a smart beautiful woman. You will always find your way.

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  5. I have been reading you for a while and felt a need to comment today just to say I'm sorry you're going through what you're going through, your children are unbelievably gorgeous and they have beautiful hearts and its good you can be friends for them, they are so very worth it. And hugs.

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  6. Michelle, sometimes I wish I was a tiny mouse who could find her way into your pocket and be soft and warm there for you to feel against your heart.
    I promise I would not poop too much or eat too much either but would just be there in case you needed me.

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  7. Thank you for the link to Nancy's post. I had missed it.

    Hang in there. I know you'll be ok. It sucks, though. I'll be thinking of you.

    xo

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  8. What a gift to your children that you are already friends again.

    Life throws curveballs. You do your best. That's all you can do. Love your big heart and wise perspective.

    I desperately want to bring you a big pot of soup. Damn several states separating us.

    Thanks for the link. I figured somebody did because I got a bunch of kind, lovely comments all of a sudden.

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  9. Well, I don't know what I could say that doesn't sound like a mouth full of marbles, except thank goodness you are so strong and so wise. And thank goodness you have friendship to ease the transition for the kids.
    I watched my sister's marriage of 25 years unravel and it was not pretty. Everybody thought they were bulletproof, but for the same reasons as yours, things fell apart. It was ugly. There is no speaking, and my brother in law is lost to all of us and it is sadder than a death in the family when someone chooses to never speak to you again. I will never understand it, and I miss him, as he was my friend too. Now that two years have passed, I expect time will not heal this wound.
    So, I am relieved for you that friendship endures. And you already know the most important part, to unclench and breathe. Sometimes the hardest part is recognizing the stress so you can begin to let it go. I believe you will find new and better dreams in the days to come. Hugs.

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  10. I am thinking about you and I love you.

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  11. I've been through many emotional phases with my ex. There were times when we couldn't even email each other. But all in all, we are now in a civil place with each other and we both agree that this is best for our kids. It sounds like you are strong and centered with the changes. I will be thinking about you and wishing you all the best during this transition.

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  12. Damn, that's hard. Keep breathing.

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  13. If you can get through that intact, I think you can get through anything.

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  14. Oh, dear friend, First Blog Pal Who Did Not Already Know Me in Real Life, who read my modest words and listened to my modest music and have always been a sage guide as well as an inspiration: I am thinking of you and sending you love, love, love. Love, love, love.

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  15. I wish you a good transition. So many transtitions in this life. I'm glad you two have remained friends. My ex and I have managed that too. It makes it sometimes hearbreaking and mostly indescribably wonderful.

    I love you. I have been thinking of you.

    SB

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.