Early this morning my sister calls, and I sing hellloooo into the phone
Meesh... uhh...ummm...is...are...are you OK?
Yes I sing all my kids are going out for the day, and they'll be out tomorrow...
and its sunny...and I'm going to have almost
two whole days alone...
I'm so glad when they're going to be out of my hair...
leave me alone... so much to do...
I always feel a little guilty in my excitement to be unencumbered
And yet, when they're gone, I end up at a loss.
I wander around the house.
I'm never as productive as I plan.
I'm unable to relax the way I hope.
I feel untethered. Ungrounded.
After 11 years 10 months and 13 days of being a mom,
I still feel as though I've forgotten something,
or I'm missing a limb or a head
when they're away from me
Remember when your infant was old enough
to be away from you for a time?
Remember standing on line for a bagel, or at the bank, or the DMV and...
even though your arms were empty?
Remember their first day of school,
how scary and weird it was?
Or their first sleep over, or your first night away?
And even though it's a relief for them to be gone
oh the joy when they return... back to your arms
I've realized, it's not all about the food,
it's not all about anything
everything that is meaningful to me
everything that moves me, or makes me angry
every justice or injustice
every single decision I make every single day
is all about THEM
They are my motivator. They are my conscience
Despite the imaginings of a different life, a freer life,
a life of fewer responsibilities,
it would be a life of empty arms and phantom rocking
From the day each one came into my life
it couldn't have been any other way