getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Them

Early this morning my sister calls, and I sing hellloooo into the phone
Meesh... uhh...ummm...is...are...are you OK?
Yes I sing all my kids are going out for the day, and they'll be out tomorrow...
and its sunny...and I'm going to have almost 
two whole days alone...

I'm so glad when they're going to be out of my hair...
leave me alone... so much to do...
quiet... rest
I always feel a little guilty in my excitement to be unencumbered

And yet, when they're gone, I end up at a loss. 
I wander around the house.  
I'm never as productive as I plan. 
I'm unable to relax the way I hope. 
I feel untethered. Ungrounded.
After 11 years 10 months and 13 days of being a mom, 
I still feel as though I've forgotten something, 
or I'm missing a limb or a head
 when they're away from me

Remember when your infant was old enough 
to be away from you for a time? 
Remember standing on line for a bagel, or at the bank, or the DMV and... 
...rocking... swaying... 
even though your arms were empty?
Remember their first day of school, 
how scary and weird it was?
Or their first sleep over, or your first night away?
And even though it's a relief for them to be gone
oh the joy when they return... back to your arms

I've realized, it's not all about the food, 
it's not all about anything
but them
everything that is meaningful to me
everything that moves me, or makes me angry
every justice or injustice
every single decision I make every single day 
is all about THEM
They are my motivator. They are my conscience

 Despite the imaginings of a different life, a freer life, 
a life of fewer responsibilities,
it would be a life of empty arms and phantom rocking

From the day each one came into my life
it couldn't have been any other way

9 comments:

  1. oh, meesh...

    yes yes yes.

    that's exactly why i have turned into such a banshee/siren/she-devil

    why i have become so rigid in needing just dealings and so pliable when it comes to treats after vegetable-less dinners

    and perhaps, why my life has become headless, phantom rocking...

    i'm not a lunatic; i'm a mom.

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  2. After thirty three years (in three days, anyway) of being a mama, I still phantom rock, I still feel untethered. I still feel it all. I don't think you ever don't.

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  3. Ladies: SO good to know I'm not the only one. And a weird kind of comfort to know that feeling won't go away

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  4. I sooooo feel this! I was just away for 4 days in colorado and despite my preliminary excitement of being able to pee alone, sleep, read and shower uninterrupted (with the exception of a few sexual advances by my husband which I'm obligated to take care of)... I found myself not only missing my girls profusely, but missing the part of MYSELF I loved the most. the part of me that was unabashedly "Mother." Swaying with empty arms. Worrying and loving 4 little souls across the states... across the time zone... you can't turn THAT off. no matter how far away you travel. :) I even missed yelling. I didnt yell for 4 days. it just didnt feel 'right.' :) LOL!

    another great post. you are on FIRE :) love to visit :)!!!

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  5. Dr. Mom: you're cracking me up! I DID think of you as I was writing. Hope you had a good time

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  6. My two oldest were gone all last week...a trip to Oregon with my husband for his mothers funeral. I was left with two little ones. And it was the strangest week ever. The work load was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay less. And I loved THAT. But yes...the lack of yelling...at each other, up the stairs, across the back yard...it was so darn quiet. It was awful.

    And the rocking? Yeah. Um. Still do it. As if there is a baby strapped to my chest.

    We are lucky to have such full arms. That is the very first thing I think of when I hear of a mommy losing her baby. Her arms must feel so empty.

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  7. Isn't it amazing how much meaning they give us? My life isn't ALL about my kids, but damn, when they are gone I sure miss them. Very well-written and eloquent post! And man, they are GORGEOUS!!!!

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  8. Not to be a downer, but my best friend Molly lost her son Ryan in October. Your post reminds me of her suffering. She says she feels like her chest has a huge, gaping wound in it. It's a very long story...

    Back to the post. I have always had no problem with the kids being gone, except overnight. My husband and I both pine for them, I think because we know it's only a matter of time before they are gone for good. Our son is going to camp for FIVE weeks this summer (he's 17; he'll be a counselor). I don't know how we'll survive it! :)

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.