getting my house in order

getting my house in order
it's a jungle out there

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

For Ms. Moon

Today started out as a bad day.  Not the kind of bad day where the dog poops in the playroom and one kid is crying all morning and I get a flat tire on the way to yoga and my cell phone is dead.

No, I'm talking about a really bad day... because I know there may be some serious shit coming down the pike of my life and it's gonna get ugly. Shit that leaves me with an aching hole in my chest and my heart thudding in my ears... pounding so hard it's drowning everything else out. And the pounding and thudding isn't from sadness or loss or betrayal. It's not from anger or grief. It's FEAR. Not my own personal get over it michelle garden variety fear like ohmygod, if i buy this package of hot dogs or eat this avocado from mexico it'll be the end of life on this planet as we know it. It's Real Fear that things might get crazy again. Fear that it may not be safe. Fear of where it all might end, and fear of the choices that may need to be made. Fear of how it may affect the three most precious things in my life.

Generally, I try to not let fear motivate my life flu shots bah... bike helmets who needs them... tap water fine with me... crazy kidnapping child rapists hiding around the corner give me a break. I'm not interested in the fear. I'm not interested in feeling afraid. But today, I was afraid. So afraid, I could barely breathe. So afraid, I could barely think straight.

So, to get away from the fear, I visited Ms. Moon. And she made me laugh. Loud, raucous maybe a little hysterical laughter. And the laughter filled the hole in my chest just a little bit. And I could breathe just a little easier. And my pounding heart continued to pound, but the feeling was less awful, less devastating, because there was just a little padding from the laughter. 

And I went to work, and focused on others. I saw kids that I've taken care of since they were born. And I took a deep breath, and laughed with them not too hard to do, they're all pretty goofy. And I cracked shoot me now jokes with Dr. Tom, and laughed some more. And by the end of the evening, I was breathing more easily. The hole was still there but felt kind of stuffed full of cotton balls. The Thing That I Fear is still a possibility, but the wound that it blew into my chest is packed, and my pounding heart is quiet.

I bet they'll discover that laughter raises serotonin levels or balances dopamine. Today, the laughter got me through the fear. The laughter made me feel better and whole. Thank-you to all who helped me laugh today, especially you, Ms. Moon.

4 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness. Well, you know, lately I've been feeling like the blog obsession is getting to the point where maybe it's not so healthy. And like, "Who the hell cares what I think?"
    And then I read something like this and all I can think of is- wow.
    I am so glad I made you laugh when you needed to.
    I hope the fear dissipates and turns into ashes that blow away in a breeze.
    Thank-you.

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  2. as my friend elizabeth says, faith and humor. That is what gets her through. I agree. I have always said, if I weren't laughing, I'd be crying. And better to laugh.

    OK. My turn to breathe. I've got you covered.

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  3. oh, michelle.

    i'm so so sorry. you are the LAST person in the world i want to see having THIS kind of hard day.

    last, like...i want the really scary shit as far away from you as i want it to be from nai and peanut.

    it's scary. it is.

    but definitely i, and i'm guessing ms moon, laura, and a host of folks out there are going to keep cracking jokes in the face of fear, and soy beans, and genetically modified food starch, and all of the things that go bump in the night...

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  4. i have sgt. B's direct line and a birdseye view -come over for a cocktail (and bring binoculars cause i'm using mine!) that'll surely lift the spirits :)
    j

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so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.