No, I'm talking about a really bad day... because I know there may be some serious shit coming down the pike of my life and it's gonna get ugly. Shit that leaves me with an aching hole in my chest and my heart thudding in my ears... pounding so hard it's drowning everything else out. And the pounding and thudding isn't from sadness or loss or betrayal. It's not from anger or grief. It's FEAR. Not my own personal get over it michelle garden variety fear like ohmygod, if i buy this package of hot dogs or eat this avocado from mexico it'll be the end of life on this planet as we know it. It's Real Fear that things might get crazy again. Fear that it may not be safe. Fear of where it all might end, and fear of the choices that may need to be made. Fear of how it may affect the three most precious things in my life.
Generally, I try to not let fear motivate my life flu shots bah... bike helmets who needs them... tap water fine with me... crazy kidnapping child rapists hiding around the corner give me a break. I'm not interested in the fear. I'm not interested in feeling afraid. But today, I was afraid. So afraid, I could barely breathe. So afraid, I could barely think straight.
So, to get away from the fear, I visited Ms. Moon. And she made me laugh. Loud, raucous maybe a little hysterical laughter. And the laughter filled the hole in my chest just a little bit. And I could breathe just a little easier. And my pounding heart continued to pound, but the feeling was less awful, less devastating, because there was just a little padding from the laughter.
And I went to work, and focused on others. I saw kids that I've taken care of since they were born. And I took a deep breath, and laughed with them not too hard to do, they're all pretty goofy. And I cracked shoot me now jokes with Dr. Tom, and laughed some more. And by the end of the evening, I was breathing more easily. The hole was still there but felt kind of stuffed full of cotton balls. The Thing That I Fear is still a possibility, but the wound that it blew into my chest is packed, and my pounding heart is quiet.
I bet they'll discover that laughter raises serotonin levels or balances dopamine. Today, the laughter got me through the fear. The laughter made me feel better and whole. Thank-you to all who helped me laugh today, especially you, Ms. Moon.