happy happy happy

Yesterday morning, Mia crawled into bed with me and whispered in my ear with her awe filled baby girl voice. You know, the voice that whispers mommy... it's christmas... do you think santa came?

Yesterday she whispered mommy... it's your birthday... happy birthday... you're fifty six today

?????

fifty-six???

I guess to a seven year old there's not much difference between 46 and 56. Either way it's an unimaginable amount of years. I remember when I was a kid I figured out I'd be 37 in the year 2000 and wondered if I'd make it to the millennium cause 37 was old and I might be dead by then.

My 46th year has been the year from HELL.

Hellish, hell filled, helly hell hell. It didn't just suck.

It was soul wrenching, tragic, devastating, scary as hell, hell.

When I think of all that has come to pass since my last birthday, most of the time I just can't wrap my brain around it.

But now it's better.

And I believe it's better because I believe there is a force that comes into our lives that can repair and heal us. It's the force of miracles.

Some call it God. Some call it gifts from the Universe. Some call it grace. Some call it luck. Some call it love. Some call it help from those who have passed on.

I call it all of the above.

Life is hard. That's all there is too it. Sometimes are harder than others. And in my experience, the not hard times have been fleeting. I've been extraordinarily fortunate in my life. I have never been hungry. Or homeless. Or SICK. Or alone. Or unloved. I have always had everything that I need. But life is still hard. Life is heavy. Life is a weight.

I've had really good stuff in my life. But even the really good stuff is hard. The good stuff never comes easy. Peace and contentment do not come easy. The BEST stuff never comes easy. Like babies. So NOT easy. But babies are the BEST. Or a good marriage. So NOT easy. But when marriage is GOOD, it's the BEST.

And I think it's this all of the above force that makes it possible for things to be GOOD. Or get BETTER. It makes it possible for us to keep on keepin on. It keeps us afloat and stops us from drowning. It sets us up so when the shit is hitting the fan, we know ONE person who can part the sea for us and get us to safety. It moves us to start a blog at the very moment we need to find ears and hearts that HEAR US. It provides us women friends and men friends who save our fucking asses when we need saving.

It makes it possible for love to be rekindled when we think there's no love left.

It fills our lungs and hearts.

It heals us.

It makes miracles.

In my 46th year I have witnessed MIRACLES.

I've witnessed them before, but the miracles of this past year have KICKED ASS.

So although the past year has undoubtedly been the most difficult of my 56... um... 46 years, it's also been the most amazing in many ways.

A rebirth of faith, hope, and love.

This morning Mia whispered in my ear

mommy... it's your second day of being fifty six

Time sure does fly when things are good...