Contradictions: Evolution vs Reincarnation

Right. So it's all about the woolly mammoth. My favorite saying cause sometimes that just explains it all. It explains why we do the things we do, why we are afflicted in the ways we are afflicted. It lets us off the hook cause we're ONLY human dammit.

It explains away everything. Cause it's all about survival of the most fit.

Why do babies develop object permanence and start crawling at about the same time? Cause if you're 9 months old, and crawling out of the cave, away from your cave mama, you'd damn well better know that she's back there some where before the woolly mammoth comes and gets you...

And when you're REALLY hungry, why do you throw all the most fat, most sweet things into your grocery cart? Cause slain woolly mammoth are few and far between, and your body needs fat and sugar to store for the long haul. It explains why the homeless man in Grand Central chooses Sweet and Sour Pork rather than Buddhist Delight with Tofu. Cause who the fuck knows when he's gonna get to eat again.

The woolly mammoth whispers or screams

fat sugar fat sugar

And why do we want our kids to be the best and the brightest? And why do we get in such a tizzy when maybe they're not? Because being the best and brightest means SURVIVAL. If you're the best at slaying woolly mammoth, you will survive. You'll get the best girl, have the best offspring, and you're DNA will persist. And if your kid is at the top of the class, or the best athlete, or gets into an Ivy League school, or is the best cellist, well, then your kid will have the best chance of success. And success equals survival.

So I've been writing a woolly mammoth post in my head for a few days. Sister Halona commented that I apply the woolly mammoth to EVERYTHING. Then she proceeded to ask me about Vitamin D supplements for her toddler and that dang woolly mammoth raised its ivory tusks and I was off and running again...

But somehow, this week, the woolly mammoth isn't explaining it all. Must be the dark days. I want answers beyond the woolly mammoth cause damn those beasts live in the ice and snow, and I prefer toasty warmth thank you very much. Seems like every year at this time, I start searching for answers. I'm drawn to more spiritual writings. I look for evidence of hope and perseverance and renewal.

Reincarnation

Maybe it's an inherent preparation for spring.

Maybe it explains this ridiculous wallpaper I've plastered on my blog walls.

Sister Adrienne hit it on the head, and unlocked a door to my understanding. 1+1=2

A long, long time ago, I had a "reading". I sat in an Upper East Side living room, and a perfectly average appearing lady with an angel's voice told me about myself. The only thing I told her was my name.

It was astounding.

There is no explanation other than she was authentic. Period.

She taped the session for me, and 16 years later, I still listen to it when I'm stuck and looking for answers. Right off the bat she knew things about me. I can't really say she made predictions, but over the years things she said that didn't seem so important back then have taken on huge significance.

She said that love activates the healing process in diseased cells.

She said it's actually the belief in the ability to heal that allows healing to happen.

Why did she start with THAT?

I was in nursing school. She only knew my name.

She said she saw that frequently, as a child, I was scared to sleep. That I was aware of something in my room. That it was spirit with me, and it scared me.

holy shit how did she know that?

She said that soon I would become much more aware of spirit, and aware of those who had made the transition, and I would understand more and not be so afraid.

A year later I was working in a home for sick and dying kids.

And I began to understand things that couldn't really be explained. And I was not afraid.

And I saw love healing disease.

She said it was very hard for me to be on the earth plane

no shit sherlock

She said I carried the knowledge from many past lives sorry to get so shirley maclaine on you so when I seemed to contradict myself or have certain ideas one day and then very different ideas the next to give myself a break. When I felt conflicted I should just sleep on it and the part of self which needed to come forward, would.

Sounds a little dissociative, huh? You can call me Sybil

So when Sister Adrienne commented on my new look, it was like BAM flash of light.

walmart and farmer's markets

the Luddite with a Blackberry

the shy antisocial girl who lives in the house that sticks out like a sore easter thumb

The Many Faces of Michelle.

That's why I was having such a hard time writing about the woolly mammoth. Cause in these dark days, the woolly mammoth's not enough. It doesn't feel right for it all to be explained by evolution and Darwin and DNA.

I need some hope. I need some light. I need to believe there's something beyond what can be seen or explained.

Contradiction was a recurring theme in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. Ms. Rand noted that contradictions do not exist. If something appears to be a contradiction, it just means your premise is incorrect.

So when I'm stuck between the woolly mammoth and miracles I tell myself I'm working off the wrong premise.

Now I just have to come up with the right one...

first friday fragments: 2010

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOGLAND

it's gonna be a good year

hope everyone is happy and home and not too hungover

cheers to Mrs 4444

at Half Past Kissin' Time

I won't live in fear. A laugh in the face of pandemics. I scoff at hamthrax, pigeon flu, and germs in general. I've never purchased anything that remotely resembles disinfectant. I resent carseats, seat belts, and being told my 7 year old can't sit in the front seat cause if the airbag deploys she'll get squished like a grape. Terrorist threat? Are you fucking kidding me? Bah! But shit like this scares me. And on top of it, I'm reading a kid's book about this very thing. Maybe I have control issues. Wadaya think?

There's all sorts of wailing and gnashing of teeth at my house. I just announced we're LOSING THE CABLE BOXES. That's it. Only basic cable starting next week. I was ready to can it all except internet of course, cause we realized the ridiculous amount of money we spend on media shit. Phone, cable, internet, texting, netflix. It goes on and on. And I'm so ambivalent about it all. Every other day I threaten to throw the tv out the window. So I was ready to almost totally unplug. Then the nice optimum guy cut my bill IN HALF. It's astounding they can even make a profit. ha ha. Still, Jack is already in a cold sweat and shaking at the idea of no cable.

Rock. Band. So much better than tv. It's really fun, and I'm not even a game person. Beatles Rockband is awesome cause we love the music. Regular Rockband is a hoot cause you make a band and go on tour. We each have our own persona. Jack is a big black dude with a huge afro and an orange pick in it. He's the drummer. Ty's on guitar. He's a big white dude with a blonde mohawk. It's so funny how they see themselves. Same parentage, but identify so differently. hmmm... My character is Chica. Lead singer. Long dreadlocks on top of my head, thigh high boots and shortie shorts. my thighs should look so good. I bought the boots and shorts after we made some money rockin a few gigs. Jack says I look hawt. Our fans love our Hungry Like the Wolf, Spirit in the Sky, and We Got the Beat covers. The band is doing so well we got a bus and have gigs in San Francisco, Seattle, L.A. and Austin. Pretty soon we'll have a Merch Girl. She'd better watch it around my boys....

More sticky stuff spilled on the computer keyboard. So I'm posting from Bruce's laptop. It's a pain cause it's a PC and I'm so spazzy with this stuff anyway. I was up till 3 a.m. redecorating. I'm so gonna regret that in a few hours... Just needed a change of pace, I guess. It's a little over the top. Looks like an easter basket, or grocery store cupcakes, or something else entirely too sticky and too sweet. Maybe the sugar will mask the *f bombs*.

I like a lot of visual stimulation. What can I say.

Almost done shrink wrapping Jeannie's Bottle. If any of you ladies have drafty windows, even a little leak, I highly recommend this. Some parts of our house are tight, but some parts not so much. I keep the thermostat pretty low, but even the kids have noticed a difference. Much more cozy and basically invisible. And super cheap and easy.

Gonna shrink wrap the damn keyboard with the leftovers.

Bruce is home safe and sound. And he reminded me there was ONE New Year's Eve we spent together. 10 years ago. Y2K. I don't remember if Dick Clark's rockin new year was cancelled, but a lot of NYC restaurants closed their doors. Just in case...

We have absolutely no recollection of what we did.

OK. New look for the new year. I'm flip flopping between the ridiculous and the sublime. what else is new? Does it give you a headache? Is it too distracting? Mia loves it of course. Bruce says it certainly demands your attention hmmm... Should I go demure and mature instead?

TELL ME THE TRUTH. My feelings won't be hurt...

Happy Happy Happy New Year

Thoughts on New Year's Eve

I wish I had taken a picture of the moon last night. It was clear and just a hair shy of full. It's been snowing all day, and though it seems to be clearing up, we may not have a good view of this New Year's Blue Moon of the Decade.

regrets

Bruce and I have never spent a New Year's Eve together. Or a Valentine's Day for that matter. I'm a chef's widow. So it's a good thing I don't give a rat's ass about all that romantic stuff, let me tell you.

The first New Year's we were married, I surprised Bruce with a huge sushi boat for 2 and a bottle of champagne. I planned this mainly 'cause I thought I was supposed to do something romantic, being a married lady and all. That shit does not come easy to me. I special ordered the sushi, which was way more than we could afford at the time. Bruce got home from the work at 3 a.m. He was done with caviar and lobster, and had to climb over thousands who had watched the ball drop in Times Square to get the train home. We ate a ton of sushi and drank the champagne and I got sick as a dog. I'm a lightweight. That's the the highlight of my romantic gestures over the past 18 new years.

pathetic

He spent last night at the restaurant in order to start his 19 hr day early.

Home phone rings. Caller ID tells me it's Bruce

me: AAARGH!!!
B: watsa matter, Chica? Is that a sigh of resignation?
me: I can't resign. This is a lifetime gig. There's no one to accept my resignation
B: You can fax it in... didn't you see the fax number at the top of the page?
me: it's all blurry goddammit...

He's having one of his romantic seize the day moments. He called to say he's so glad he found me. He tells me this in his sighing you're my chica voice.

Meanwhile I'm yelling at Ty you cannot put clean clothes on such a dirty body. go take a shower.
Jack's squawking where's my robe... did you wash my robe?...
Yes, Jack, I'm washing your robe cause you haven't taken it off in 2 days.
Never mind the fact that I haven't showered in 3.
Mom, my cell phone is in the pocket.
So I'm holding the phone between my shoulder and my ear, trying to focus on the sweet nothings and CARPE DIEM and rescue Jack's cell phone before the washer fills up with water.

Chica???... you still there???...

shoot me

He says he's driving home tonight, cause he doesn't want to spend another night away. Which is all very well and good, but scares the shit out of me cause its NEW. YEAR'S. EVE. And he has a dark and windy drive home. And people drive when they shouldn't. And it's snowing. And after all we've been through this year
IT WOULD REALLY FUCKING SUCK if some drunk driver squishes him like a grape.

So. On that note...
Have a wonderful New Year
Be safe
And please don't get squished cause I'll be sad

A good day

Bruce and I text all day long cause it's easier than trying to have a conversation

pathetic
though when we're in the same house, we usually use our indoor voices

Bruce: how are u today?
we rarely have more than 30 seconds in the morning to say hi/there's coffee/bye

Me: Just thinking of calling. Spent 3 hrs @ dentist, van is still getting inspected, and I forgot about cello lesson. It's a good day

Bruce: by that i just mean taking everything in, carpe that ole diem. you know


That's the difference between me and my husband. I'm the practical one which is a scary thought if you know me. I'm the one who impulsively buys houses and paints them pink and purple, and had too many babies a little late in life. I'm the one who wants to hang it all up and dig wells in Africa. I'm the one who doesn't even THINK about saving money. I'm the artist. But I'm also the one who takes care of the pink and purple house. And I'm the one who takes care of the late in life babies who share it with us.

Bruce is the the one who gets stressed out over 401ks vs IRAs what the fuck are those? He's the one who said we could never afford a house. He's the one who makes sure we NEVER purchase something we can't pay for. He's the one who wouldn't leave New York because of job security. what??? NY is the ONLY restaurant town on the PLANET??? That's Bruce. But Bruce is also the romantic. He wants to be AWAKE through life. Doesn't want to miss a smell or a taste or a sensation. Wants to experience it all, and then some. He wants LIFE. He wants LOVE. He wants PASSION.

Me. Not so much.

So when Bruce sends me a text asking how I AM, I respond in pretty concrete terms. What's getting done. What's not getting done. Who's not doing what needs to get done. What's going smoothly. Who's melting down.

That's my life.
That's what dictates how I AM

Dentist check extra bonus points cause i got a cleaning too
State motor vehicle inspection check it's a miracle it's not 3 weeks overdue
Screwed up cello lesson despite the fucking blackberry goddammit that's supposed to tell me when I'm late rescheduled for tomorrow cause the cello teacher's awesome

Sometimes, I do get restless. Aggravated. Frustrated. I think about what might have been, but is not. But mostly, I feel like I still have time to dig wells in Africa. Or travel across country in a winnebago. Silly me. I still have time.

Bruce always feels like time's a wastin'. It's slippin' away. SEIZE THE DAY

It's kinda funny.

So although it's pedestrian, provincial, and pathetic, it's OK. Cause it's all about the wooly mammoth. i'll explain that one tomorrow.

I don't need over the top or larger than life. My life is quite large enough most days thank you very much. I just need to feel like I'm not spinning my wheels, getting ripped off, or sacrificing my kids to this insane culture.

Ms. Moon talks about feeding the chickens and kissing Owen and the live oaks. And let me tell you, that lady's no schlump. That's what it's all about. The simple stuff. Life in a bowl of soup, or a new inspection sticker on the minivan. Or no tears at the dentist. That's my life.

Keep it simple.

Anything more than that and my head's gonna explode.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear...

Seems like a lot of folks had their

Best Christmas Ever.

It was certainly the best Christmas

I've had in a long time.

Might be the little blue pill likely.

Might be my healing family most definitely.

Might be my daddy who every year when asked

only wanted peace on earth for Christmas

may be sending his family peace from the flip side...

it was good

it was lovely

happy christmas kids

this was breakfast

courtesy of The Kitchen Witch

she's really smart and funny

I subbed mini chocolate chips and sour cherry preserves

for the raisins

my kids hate raisins

this is Ty having a weird-off with himself

it's a cool hologram thing

the frog is inside the disk

but looks like it's sitting on top

I guess he wanted to lick it...

two words...

Beatles Rockband

we always have SO MUCH FOOD

we love to eat

and eat

and eat

roast lamb and pork shepherd's pie

get it?

shepherds, baby Jesus, farm animals

huh? huh?

get it?

my sisters are SICK of me

Santa stopped by

that was a great treat

these are the cousins who weren't freaked out

by the big man in the red suit

We had a good time. A lovely time. Lots of laughter. Very little stress and storm. Which is an amazing thing. There are A LOT of really intense personalities in our bunch. And it's been a rough year or two. Lots of falling outs, and hurt feelings. Lots of loss. But it was still really good. Despite the shitty stuff.

Somehow we all just felt good, I think.

It was a good time. A lovely time.

Friday Fragments-Saturday Edition oops, now it's Sunday

still playing catch up

still a little behind schedule

blogland was where I really wanted to be all week

but Christmas called...

go visit Mrs 4444

tell her Michelle made you late

This week's fragments consist of all the "almost" posts that never quite came to a boil over the last two weeks

things I wrote on line at Walmart

things I wrote on line at Target

on line at Stop N Shop

or sitting in the minivan in the Home Depot parking lot

Sunday

I actually made a list and checked it twice. I plotted out a schedule mon - thurs and all the things I have to get done. In nice neat rows. All organized-like.

Some of you are probably like ...so ... does she want a medal?

Fuck yeah!

For me this is a big deal cause I deliberately keep our lives as simple as possible
Cause I'm not a fucking circus clown goddammit and I HATE juggling. The last time I had a "schedule" I was in grad school. A VERY long time ago. And can I tell you something about schedules? THEY WORK!!! When I laid every thing out in front of me I realized it wasn't so bad at all...

Monday

I got everything crossed off. Check. Check. Check. What a sense of accomplishment! Hosting Christmas? fa la la this was gonna be easy peasy...

Tuesday

I am NOT ONE OF SANTA'S fucking HELPERS! My grinchy grinch feet hurt. And just when I decided to treat myself to a new pair of uggs the pipes backed up again. I threw a load of laundry in while I was making breakfast and soon smelled that smell. Ty was brushing his teeth ..mom???... the drain in the bathroom???... it smells again...I ventured down into the basement which had morphed into the laBrea tar pits. A pond of thick black stinky stuff was all backed up out of my 116 year old pipes. Fuck me. So. Called the guy with the really long snake. An hour later my new uggs and $216 were circling the freshly snaked drain. And that shit wasn't even on my list to give me the satisfaction of crossing it off...

Wednesday

And then coming out of the bedroom I kicked my

most favorite rechargeable handheld device

down the steps. Noooooo I cried in slow mo watching my day spiral down the newly snaked drain...
Thank my lucky stars it came to a clattering stop at the first landing.

I use that thing every day. Sometimes 3 times a day. Except the days I'm at work cause by the time I get home I'm just too tired.

But man, what if it's cracked? Will it still work?

Will it get the job done?
How will I get through the holidays without it? And the last thing I want to do is drag my kids out to shop for a replacement...
All these thoughts raced through my mind as I ran down the steps to assess the damage.

Flip the switch...
Music to my ears...the reassuring hum... the weight of it in my hand...

Dustbuster. This girl's best friend.

Christmas Eve Morning

I'm trying to cultivate a serene holiday vibe. Cooking. Decorating. I have our iPod Christmas playlist going. But I also have 4 loud boys in the house. With Nerf guns. Fake rifles. Pow Pow Pow 4 boys running through the house, pounding up and down the steps, slamming doors, shooting guns, barking military commands. All to the tune of "Oh Holy Night". I feel like Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now...

Christmas Eve evening

My sister calls. Mommy's going to the emergency room. She's not feeling well. She thinks her potassium is high...

My first reaction is to laugh out loud

maybe a little inappropriate

But damn! It's Christmas Eve! And high potassium doesn't feel like anything until it's high enough to short out your heart. So WTF? Honestly. I think she does it for attention. Kinda sick huh? When I tell Bruce he says umm... Chica?... have you noticed she does this every holiday... I don't want to sound critical or anything, but she does this every holiday...

I laugh out loud again yeah, Bruce, I've noticed.

I wonder if they're gonna admit her. She was really sick last time. I wonder if it's gonna fuck all 17 of us up for Christmas.

I wonder if she's really sick this time.

What I realized over the last two weeks is that I work best under pressure. And something crazy like hosting our family's Christmas isn't so crazy at all. The house is really clean well sort of. The decorations look good. And I didn't get all tense and crabby. The clog didn't put me over the edge. The pow pow pow in my kitchen didn't put me over the edge. And the possibility that my mom would be hospitalized on Christmas Eve didn't put me over the edge.

It was actually kinda nice.

And my mom was here on Christmas day in all her glory.

Deck the Halls with Giant Blue Balls fa la la la la

Jack catches me muttering to myself...

Me: I want big balls. How'm I gonna get big balls?
Jack: Balls, Mom?
Me, totally distracted: Yeah. Balls. Blue ones.
Jack: You want big blue balls?
Me: To hang. Off the porch
Jack: Mom...you want your big blue balls to hang off the porch?

Bwa ha ha

Seriously. The shit I put up with...

before

after

I love my big blue balls

Sundays in My City: Late Edition

the beautiful and talented

Unknown Mami

hosts

come fly with us

Alicia Keys rocks when she sings

about this town

we trekked through the snow and

met up with my youngest sister

and her family

for

DIM SUM

yum

Chinatown

dim sum guy

dim sum

and more dim sum

a few of our happy children

post dim sum

stuffed like shrimp dumplings

then uptown for

holiday lights

Mia loved the Sephora windows

Saks Fifth Avenue

more Saks

and more

kinda weird, huh?

six red gowns at Saks

this one was Mia's favorite

Valentino

of course

silver and gold at Rockefeller Center

ice skaters

the spires of St Patrick's Cathedral

these streets will make you feel brand new

big lights will inspire you

let's hear it for New York