"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn

"ignore the story. see the soul. remember to love. you will never regret it" --- Seane Corn
it's a jungle out there

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Not Happy



My hormones are raging and when that happens one little blue pill is not enough to keep the PMDD beast locked away in the basement

Flooby Nooby Cristin, who is without a doubt one of THE FUNNIEST bloggers around, gave me a Happy 101 award. She said my posts make her happy. Which is a damn good thing cause I'm not feeling the happiness these days. But it's good to be reminded that sometimes I can bring a smile.

Just not this week.

My Ovaries, My Ovaries, why have you forsaken me?


I've been trying to collect my award with grace and appropriate modesty. Because that's what it deserves. But I just can't get it together. I can't turn my frown upside down. I can't shake this feeling.
Just have to wait for it to pass...

This morning Mia was on the verge of one of her meltdowns. Had something to do with wanting to paint her nails black instead of getting dressed and eating breakfast. And absolutely NOTHING in the 6 dresser drawers and 2 baskets of clean laundry was acceptable. She tried on 3 pairs of jeans before one felt OK.
She's got issues. She's difficult

And it takes all my energy to hold it together and speak in a calm voice and not snap at her. Cause if I hold it together, she can hold it together. I see her trying so hard to not LOOSE HER SHIT when she feels like NOTHING IS RIGHT. And then it passes. And I walk her to school and stay calm and she's able to kiss me goodbye and walk into the building.

Which is quite an improvement from the way it was a few months ago. Several mornings a week she would be clinging and sobbing and crushing me with her Mia Death Grip. And the aides would have to peel her off me and take her to class.

THAT sucked the big one.

Then, as Bruce was running out the door, he says and why do they think they can leave all their stuff lying around like this? why don't they ever pick up their shit

What he's really saying is Chica, you shouldn't have to do all this

But what I hear is you haven't done a very good job teaching them to be responsible and respectful and neat and tidy

fucking ovaries
fucking serotonin

I kept my mouth shut thankfully but oooh the shit that was going through my head and beating on the back of my teeth screaming let us out!

I have really strong teeth
the universe is abundant

Bruce calls me later. Chica, next week when I'm off, I want you to just stay in bed and I'll get the kids off to school. I can always go back to sleep if I need to.

He's a good guy.

But I'm still aggravated. Still waiting for this mood to pass. It's giving me a headache. I ate 3 fortune cookies, a cup of coffee, and half a xanax for lunch but I still feel like my head's gonna explode can't imagine why.
Dammit those fortunes just sucked.

And where's the rest of my sidebar? What the fuck is up with Blogger?

the bathrooms are dirty
the bedrooms are dirty
we have guests coming for the weekend
Haiti is... Haiti is...
shoot me

I am so not happy today

Next Tuesday the clouds will lift

fucking ovaries

And thank you Em, Emmy Carroll, Cat, May, and Steph for your sweet chocolate covered indulgences.
That made me happy.


  1. I think your lunch was a perfectly acceptable option. I should have had that myself today. Although I might have added a glass of wine.

    Feeling you, girlfriend. We are gonna be okay.


  2. I sometimes feel the exact same way. Especially when my husband says crap to me that makes me so angry I just seethe the rest of the night but I always try to keep my words behind my teeth because I really don't have the energy to deal with him and the kids and everything else that life throws at me

  3. Your blog makes me happy, too. Huh, go figure. Maybe it's all the flowers. Maybe it's how beautiful you are, how beautiful your family is. Maybe it's the love in your heart that I can feel even when you are angry, even when you are blue. I think it makes me happy just knowing you exist, Michelle.

  4. I agree with May. Of course. And if you read my blog this evening, you know I know. I know, I know, I know. And dammit, I don't even HAVE hormones. Maybe that's the fucking problem.

  5. Hope things swing up, toots. It's all gray here, too.

    Love you.

  6. Hormones are the WORST! And shouldn't be allowed. At all. Except for the good kind.

  7. Oh, I am right there with you, my own raging hormones, my miserable, inexplicably complicated little girl with her own raging hormones, the mornings from hell when nothing is right, not breakfast, not the clothes, not the hair.... oh, could we compare notes. it is hard somedays to not feel like the worst woman/wife/mom on the planet. They have not yet made the pill to set this right....
    At least we have each other.
    Any my little girl is so happy to meet yours and have a blog friend! Thank you both!

  8. Feeling your pain. You need a glass of wine to help relax you as well.

  9. SO, I know that when women live together their cycles are the same...is it possible that women who BLOG together have this happen too? Because...

    And it is awful. It is DARK. And even thought you KNOW it is hormones, there is NO controlling it. And Bruce's comment pissed ME off because I ALWAYS hear what Nick says as a criticism towards ME and the BAD job I am doing.

    Just gotta ride this one out...but I'l be thinking of ya today....

  10. I hope by the time you read this, things are better. Chemicals are real, and hard. I'm sorry things have been challenging.

  11. I feel the same way when Jeremiah complains that the kids don't clean up after themselves. He worries that I'm going to get burn out and I I can think of is that I'm not doing enough...

    Ahhhhh...and so it goes on and on.

  12. Oh girl, I wish you some peace through this yuckiness. And, as much as you hate your ovaries now, remember they gave you those dreamy little children, right? Even though your daughter is testing your limits... :) i think mia and my little "Pink" would get along just swell.
    We've all been there. You'll ride the storm. for now, just vent on your blog and we'll all be here to give you a virtual hug :)


so... wadaya think?

Your fairy is called Columbine Icedancer
She is a bone chilling bringer of justice for the vulnerable.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the bees swarm and the crickets chirrup.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has icy blue butterfly wings.